MIL thinks I don't ' put the kids in the clothes she gives them '

[rantyMIL]

MIL and my mum gift the kids a lot of clothes. I also buy my fair share of clothes for them when required.

I graciously accept the gifts for birthdays and Christmas etc. but seeing as there are a lot of them- I just put them in the cupboards and use them as I see fit.

I remember who gave maybe 5 percent of items.

I love the clothes she buys for my kids. But she's somewhat possessive about when and how the clothes are worn.

Sometimes she'll give stuff and says they should wear it for special occasions like Christmas or birthdays.

She photographs everything she gives us and then asks if things have been worn.

I also recently found out that she told my mum that I don't use the clothes she gives us. It's absolutely not true. She sees the kids once every couple of weeks, so she just doesn't know what they wear day to day.

It's really irked me because I always felt like she thinks I'm being spiteful in not putting the clothes on my kids, but to have it confirmed, has enraged me slightly.

There are lots of things like this. Recently I posted about a birthday card situation and how she picked out birthday cards from her and her children and displayed them in my house ( after I had tucked them away in an obscure kitchen cupboard ).

She just gives me bad vibes. Like she thinks I'm spiteful, when I'm not. Just because I don't act exactly like she thinks I should.

Going back to the clothes - I really do use them and I am super miffed she complained to my mum that I don't.

Whenever she comes over or I see her, I have this knot in my stomach. I just get bad vibes.

Who has time for stuff like this? Surely saying thanks at the time the clothes are given is enough? Different if it was now and then but not if it is a large amount of clothing given frequently.

Can you just say when you receive them 'thanks, I'll not have time to keep taking photos but I will make sure the kids get a chance to wear them.

Too much time on her hands I think

Oh my goodness OP. I'd be tempted to just stop accepting them since they are causing such angst.
Absolutely don't start pissing about taking proof photos. That's just pandering to the crazy, she will smell blood and start pulling your strings over the next damn thing.

She has a delusion that she's dressing her own children.

You need to point out that the children are yours, that she had her chance to dress children when hers were small, thank her for her generosity, and remind her that giving a gift means giving an jtem to someone else to use as they please. You cease to own the gift once it's given, and you don't get to dictate how the recipient uses it. As to in effect choosing what your children will wear for Christmas or birthdays - that's a huge no.

You should get your husband to have this chat with her, actually. It's his mother and his children, and he dresses them occasionally, right?

Yep, ‘had her turn’. Back in your box MiL.
If she never visited or bought clothes or presents you would be on her whining about that instead I imagine. How hard is it to make sure she sees the DC in an
outfit, or gets a photo. Do you really not take photos all the time? Most GPs I know get pretty much daily photos.

It’s not about the time it takes to take/send a photo it’s the unreasonableness of it. It would take 30 seconds to message her every time you made a cup of TV in the new teapot she bought you, or whenever the kids had a bath using the bubble bath she bought them, or every time you read a chapter of the book she gave you for Christmas. It’s the fact it’s an unreasonable request and a bonkers level of controlling.

If this is the caveat for the kids getting a few T-shirts from Primark then I would rather she didn’t bother at all. All it is is an ego trip, giving presents expecting a specific amount of thanks and gratitude rather than just giving things as an unconditional gift. It’s beyond tacky.

You see when I first read your angst about MIL's opinion, I thought you must be a SAHM for you to feel totally responsible for how your children are dressed, but now it turns out that you work fulltime, so why is it solely your problem how they are dressed?

The mil has form for treating OPs house as if it's her own and trying to dictate even the cards OP keeps and displays.
This isn't as simple as sending her a photo and moving on - the mil keeps attempting to assert control. Some people do need to be put back in their box, be a their behaviour is generally unreasonable.
Some people won't be content with one thing, so you can't appease them by indulging ridiculous demands.

What a nightmare MiL..

Next time she moans reply that you don’t have time for this silly behaviour, and cannot remember who bought every single item your children own. If she can’t simply be happy to gift something then maybe she needs to not bother at all.

I have no time for this nonsense and would be telling her so loudly.

Fuck that. Have your husband take a photo every day and send it to her to remind her his hands didn’t fall of and he’s capable of dressing his children too.

Um, I do that, make a little note as presents are opened so I can both send a specific thank you text later on and also dress the kids in the clothes that particular relatives have bought them.

it really doesn’t feel that onerous, I’ve always done it and I just assumed everyone else does!

@Summergarden I don't do that. You sound really organised.

I'm not like that. I struggle with things like that in general ( even paying bills on time ). It's just not something I have mental space for at all.

I will thank people when they hand over a gift and make a big fuss. But I would never write down what they gave me / my kids.

You shouldn't have to OP. If you've thanked them at the time, that's good enough.
Gifts aren't gifts if they come either a list of instructions and obligations. If she carries on like this, tell her not to buy anything else.
You do have your get better at standing your own ground thigh and being more direct with her yourself.

This. You need to step WAAAY back and let your husband deal with this.

Stop phoning her or texting her, let him do it . let him send photos if he wants to.

Stop confronting her - you are playing right into the role she has cast for you of bitch DIL.

Stop visiting her - make some polite excise and you your husband can go on his own or with the kids.

Ditto when she comes to your house.

You are not going to change her or her personality. All you can do is opt out of it all.

Let this be his problem to deal with. Which will probaby result in him deciding to see her less. A lot of these weak men have got in the habit of stepping back from the front line, letting their wife take the flack and then wringing their little hands and simpering pitifully

” I just wish everyone could get onnnnn”
” she’s old, why can’t you just be nice to her “.
“ She doesn’t mean it, that’s just what she’s like “
” what do you want me to doooo? Oh this is all so stressful”

While their wives desperately try to change the unchangeable and maintain the family boundaries against the invader.

You must be kidding?

Grandparents getting photos daily? From busy parents?

Maybe in a world where nobody works and children are treated like little clothes horses...

No, in the normal world where ‘busy’ parents ( aren’t all parents busy?) find time to post several times a day on Mumsnet. And the children are not clothes horses, but they do wear clothes. I knit for my friends’ grandchildren and always receive photos on Whatsapp of the children wearing the gifts. Because it’s normal these days.

There'd enough to do raising a family without having to pander to the generations before it over shite like this.

My own dm will say things like "have the kids made their cakes yet??" A day after she gifts them a cake making set. Literally 12 hours have passed and 10 of them they were sleeping.

It adds another dimension to stuff, pointless stress, and is all to satiate their own ego "I give the best gifts" vibe.

Tell your dh to have a word.

Yeah, nobody does it that I know of. A lot of grandparents on here realising how high maintenance they are so are fighting for this nonsense to be seen as good manners.