Unequal inheritance

[Pansyblue]

I know i have no entitlement to an inheritance, but am looking for views on whether this situation is generally considered “fair”.

Basically, my DPs have given significantly more money to my DSis than me to date (they are still alive). Think enough to buy a small house, plus they have gifted her 2 rental properties they previously owned. I have been gifted a deposit for a flat (roughly same value as one of her 3 properties). The rationale for this is that DSis suffers from a chronic illness and does not work (although she has never worked, even before she got ill, she basically struggled to find her way at after uni). I understood this, I want her to be well off financially.

However, I have recently found out that my parents also intend to leave the majority of their will to my DSis (think 75/25 split). I am struggling with this, as although I am well off, I have 3 children, work long hours and live in an expensive area (all my choices I know). A 50/50 inheritance would give me a much better cushion and choices with how much I work. I also think my DSis already has more than enough assets to support her for life (she has no kids and unlikely ever to given age). It’s also honestly not all about the money - it’s also about how valued (or not) it makes me feel.

Although I am well off now, there is no guarantee for the future (I have just lost a friend at 40, so the risks of this and potential impact on my children feels very real to me right now). I know it’s my responsibility to have insurance for this eventuality (which I do have).

I haven’t said anything to my parents as I don’t want to fall out with them. But I am struggling to shake the feeling that I’m just not valued and that my children aren’t valued either?

normally I’m in the camp of it’s their money but given your sister is ill and unable to work, these actions keep her self sufficient and not relying on government hand outs. Trust me, I’d rather be well and have 25% than unwell and get 75%

Oh I completely agree re more important to be well. I know I am very lucky. I think I am mainly sad that there hasn’t been more thought to my children in this and all the things that may happen in their lives (again I know this is my responsibility, maybe I just expected my DPs to think about it too).

I'd feel the same, OP. The two rental properties plus a small house seem enough to ensure your DSis a confortable life. Presumably she gets PIP too. It would be fair to split the remaining 50/50.

Also to clarify - many people with my DSis condition do work. So I feel some of her position is a choice not to work, partly enabled by the knowledge she has already had all this help and will get more.

However I feel sorry for her either way. And of course it’s entirely possible she has a harder time with this condition than many others (and in any case would be unlikely to be able to find a job now with c20 years of unemployment (of which 12ish she has had this condition).

She actually doesn’t get PIP - she hasn’t applied but said she felt she was unlikely to get it

Would you swop?

(Useful question in many 'unfair' situations I find!)

Would you swop?

No, I definitely would not, for the reasons outlined above. I know I am lucky and am also proud of the life I have built!

Initally I was very much in the their money their choice camp. But I am finding myself ruminating on it now from time to time and it does grate.

I agree with you OP

It's not about you being luckier in the health lottery, it's just an acknowledgment of the value of you and your DC

Your DSis already has more than most healthy/working people will have in a lifetime and she has no dependents.

I think the weight of gifting up till now is understandable, but I disagree that she now needs the bulk of the inheritance.

One 'not working adult' (who already has three properties) does not need three times the amount of one working family with DC (if you are being mathematical/clinical) about it.

I'd be disappointed. Is it something you can discuss with your dsis to see how she feels?

I can understand you feeling undervalued, but I do think a chronic illness or disability is pretty much the only reason to leave unequal inheritance.

You seem slightly sceptical about your sister's health, I suspect your parents' interpretation is different. None of us can say who is right or wrong of course.

If one of your DC were in her shoes, would it give you comfort to know they were settled?

I have a chronic illness, I find working very hard but hey, needs must. I am not well off and will get zero inheritance. Also don't own a property. Could be worse

Yes, you do seem undervalued. Is your sister nicer than you? Does she get on better with your parents?

It sounds like your sister has been well provided for, and the remaining inheritance should be split 50/50. I'm not sure what you can actually do about it though.

Will never understand why parents do this- equal shares would always be the fairest split in my pov.

I think your DPs are doing inheritance share by financial need instead of by merit/value. You need to decouple thinking that the amount of inheritance is linked to your value to them as a daughter.

They likely think your DC will also inherit from their father as well as you AND will likely be able to support you a bit in old age if needed.

Your DSis is disabled, unable to work and will have no adult DC to help her in her old age. Your DPs likely don’t want you to end up being a 50-70yr old nursemaid to your sister, so the extra financial help from them is to liberate you from that obligation imho.

Yes, you do seem undervalued. Is your sister nicer than you? Does she get on better with your parents?

This is exactly the type of question this is causing me to ask - I would always have said I have a really good relationship with my parents (live far away, but regular visits in both directions and lots of phone calls). But one of the things I have been ruminating on now is whether this is really true (there has never been any indication of anything else before this though).

My DSis does live much closer to them.

I understand why they'd want to set her up but it does feel very unfair, especially as she chose not to work after uni before she became unwell (not sure how many years passed between those two events), and as you put it, she already has enough to support her life. Will she need a lot more support as she gets older? Is it likely to worsen? That can be very expensive, and the rental properties would a way of securing your sister's future in case of her needing care.

Not sure if it's possible, but as she has no children (and no DP?), could you ask that one of the conditions of the inheritance is that when she dies, the money goes to your DC?

I think inheritance should be based on who’s already got what and why.

I could never imagine not splitting my assets equally between my children. Why would I want to give one more than the other? If one is struggling before I’m dead then I’d help out as much as reasonably possible while I’m alive.

I wouldn’t leave my dying wish as ‘give 75% to one child and 25% to the other’

and I would hope that I’ve brought up my children well enough to understand that I love them equally and that is what is reflected in my will..

id feel pretty shit if I wasn’t treated equally OP. I don’t think you ABU

What would your life be like without all the financial help your parents have given you so far?

Every situation is unique and I wonder if you have worked in areas or even witnessed hardship and deprivation. The world is not a fair place and you have been dealt a good hand so far.

I am a true believer in being grateful for what you have received and inheritance is not a right in the UK it’s a gift.

You can either ruminate on this and sour the relationship you have with your generous parents or move on. 25% of something is better than nothing.

What would your life be like without all the financial help your parents have given you so far?

This is a fair point - certainly it would have been harder for me to buy my first flat (not impossible, but harder). But it is the inequality that I am having an issue with - particularly given the amount of help already given to my DSis. If my parents had nothing left to give, I wouldn’t have an issue.

Could you start a polite discussion next time they bring it up.
Such as.
You know I'm very thankful for the start you gave me in life, the leg up to the property ladder and for all the ways you continually support me.

I would not challenge any Will you make but I will state my opinion and that is that I feel less valued and that my children are not important when you gift my sister so much more than me.
And then leave it for them to decide. It is only fair to be honest, given that you have a good relationship with your parents.

It is only fair to be honest, given that you have a good relationship with your parents.

I have been wondering about this. I feel I missed the boat at the time they initially told me - I wasn’t really thinking and just said it was up to them what they did. So they think I am completely fine with it, which I agree is my fault. I just don’t know how (if) to bring it up again as it doesn’t really just come up in conversation!

When my mum died, she left her mortgage free house to one of my brothers as he would never be able to get a mortgage due to a serious life long health condition and his work situation wasn't stable.

Me and my other brother got some money from a life insurance type policy. The value of our inheritance vs his was the same sort of split although on a smaller scale.

Do I begrudge my brother? Absolutely not, he's had to deal with things I'll never have to.

To answer a few other questions - Dsis condition could get worse in future yes, although it hasn’t in the 12 years she’s had it to date (but no guarantee of future I agree). There were 8 years between finishing uni and getting ill, in which she definitely could have worked but didn’t. We all really tried to support her into work during that time, but nothing seemed to help.

I completely understand how you feel and agree with some others that you should bring it up, lightly, somehow. @user1492757084 had a good starting point. Maybe get something in about inheritances being a known source of future arguments/resentment. Watch a film about family and inheritance or something and use that as a starting point..? They may well be surprised - if they are of the impression that you have no issues, then it might be difficult for them but give them a bit of time (like you've had).

Reading your further update I'm thinking that your parents may have done your sister a disservice but helping her 'too much' during the time when she should have done something worthwhile/something to give her an income, before she got ill. Have they helicopter parented her too much?

My mother was given much, much less than her brother. She did ok at school (not fantastically well), her brother struggled massively. They gave him the family business in the 70s which allowed him and his family to have a great lifestyle, my parents were ok but never had as much (they did better later). Mother got £1000. It definitely made her feel less valued and it has made her 100 % fair to me and my sister: I have done much better and would have NO issues with sister getting more, but my mother doesn't want any possible resentment between us to originate in anything she does. It is very, very different telling your parents 'please give sibling a bit more' than being told 'we're giving your sibling more'.

(I didn't know the thing about her inheritance/uncle's inheritance until I was an adult and grandparents long gone, she didn't let that influence our relationship at all.)

No it's not fair. I would never do anything other than leave equal shares to my dcs regardless of their personal circumstances.

An inheritance is about more than money and it's difficult not to see a smaller 'share' as a reflection that you were less loved.

Also, people's circumstances can change after a will is written. The person with the bigger share might marry someone wealthy. The well-off person might fall on hard times through job loss, divorce, illness etc