Unequal inheritance

[Pansyblue]

I know i have no entitlement to an inheritance, but am looking for views on whether this situation is generally considered “fair”.

Basically, my DPs have given significantly more money to my DSis than me to date (they are still alive). Think enough to buy a small house, plus they have gifted her 2 rental properties they previously owned. I have been gifted a deposit for a flat (roughly same value as one of her 3 properties). The rationale for this is that DSis suffers from a chronic illness and does not work (although she has never worked, even before she got ill, she basically struggled to find her way at after uni). I understood this, I want her to be well off financially.

However, I have recently found out that my parents also intend to leave the majority of their will to my DSis (think 75/25 split). I am struggling with this, as although I am well off, I have 3 children, work long hours and live in an expensive area (all my choices I know). A 50/50 inheritance would give me a much better cushion and choices with how much I work. I also think my DSis already has more than enough assets to support her for life (she has no kids and unlikely ever to given age). It’s also honestly not all about the money - it’s also about how valued (or not) it makes me feel.

Although I am well off now, there is no guarantee for the future (I have just lost a friend at 40, so the risks of this and potential impact on my children feels very real to me right now). I know it’s my responsibility to have insurance for this eventuality (which I do have).

I haven’t said anything to my parents as I don’t want to fall out with them. But I am struggling to shake the feeling that I’m just not valued and that my children aren’t valued either?

Yes, I do think too much was done for my DSis before she became ill. But I know in spite of my parents best intentions it didn’t actually help her in the end - instead I think it knocked her self confidence and made her feel she couldn’t achieve anything on her own. Thinking about it, I probably believe this is partly why she doesn’t work even now, as well as her illness. Benefit of hindsight I guess!

Thank you to everyone who has replied. It is helpful to understand a range of views and also to understand my feelings re not entirely unjustified

I've come across threads like this before, where the parents give/will be giving more to the child who is deemed to be less capable. Which is, I think, unfair!

There was another thread recently about parents who wanted their deposit back plus the qualifying equity boost since their gift! Imagine being that child.

You sound like you are a loving family and I believe an open discussion with them about how you feel would help you all.

You say Sis doesn't get PIP? So she applied and was turned down? If not then she should apply. What about ESA? If she cannot work due to illness then she is entitled to benefits for this. I feel like you are a bit disappointed in her and the way she lives her life? I guess you see it as being rewarded for not really making any effort. But she is unwell. I'd rather have zero in the bank and my health to be honest.
Your parents may well not even have much money left, who knows what might happen. One or both may need a care home. I really don't think there's much you can do about this as confronting your parents would almost certainly be a bad idea. They perceive her as having more need than you, not that that they love you any less necessarily.

@Pansyblue I totally agree with OP! the parents doing this makes the not so golden child feel quite unloved and it is not right for any parent to do that to their child. it does not matter if sis has a chronic illness or not, she should not be left more than a sibling!!

my sis got the house and everything in it down to the last tin of beans in the cupboard! I got 10k!! the first photographs i have are of my wedding because niece went into house and binned everything! all my growing up pics, school pics, the lot!!

I have had a similar experience but my sister was not suffering in any way from a chronic illness, she did live with my mother towards the end and the lions share of the inheritance went to her (which she pissed up the wall as she is an alcoholic). It really hurt. I kept asking myself if we were loved unequally as as it was never discussed with me I came to all sorts of conclusions in my head and tortured myself about it for years. In the end it wasn’t really about the money but the unfairness of treating children differently. I would urge you to talk to your parents while they are still alive and try and see why they are making this call, may be other factors involved that you haven’t thought about and may help you come to terms with it or they may even change their mind once they hear how you feel. Communication is key, while you have the chance!

Personally I think it's unfair. No one has a crystal ball, you could get a terminal or life limiting illness tomorrow, or your partner/husband may leave you or have a massive brain injury. Nothing is guaranteed, making decisions about inheritence at this stage is premature, both your circumstances may change dramatically at anytime.

While it’s definitely their money in their choice YANBU to feel a bit undervalued. I would feel similar to you that the houses make sense because they provide her income. Even a less unequal split for example 60:40 ish would be understandable. 75:25 is unnecessary, especially when they have grandkids.

I completely understand your feelings. It's not about the money but the fact they see you as less important,loved less than your sister.
My sister in law will be left my FIL's house when he passes. My husband will get nothing. It does upset him when he thinks about it :(

I do think it is highly unfair and inheritance should be 50/50. However you made a point that you feel as though your children haven't been considered in this? If your dsis is unmarried with no children of her own, maybe you parents have presumed your dc will inherit from your dsis as welll, so will be provided for. Obviously that all depends on your dais's will but I can kinda see their thinking. She's on her own and needs more support to live well then yourself who will possibly also inherit from your dh's side. But you will also be your dsis's next of kin so your family (children/grandchildren) will still benefit eventually.
I think you need a gentle conversation with the whole family

It’s also honestly not all about the money - it’s also about how valued (or not) it makes me feel.

That's exactly what it's about. I once heard that with inheritance/money disparity, switch the word money for the word love and you get to the root of why people are so upset.

I'd feel undervalued too, in your position and I think you should tell them. Diffisult conversation, but worth having if you generally get on well.

I'd say, There's something preying on my mind and I need to discuss it with you. I've realised I am deeply hurt by the way you have always given DSis so much more money than me. I know she is ill, but I feel less valued than her. I am exhausted from work and raising children. If you had chosen to share your money equally, I'd feel less stressed about the future. But also, equally loved and valued. I am not proud of this feeling and have tried to shake it off but I can't. It feels as though you think l my life is stress free and financially solid but I work so hard to make that happen and the cost of living keeps rising. I can't help wishing you would consider my needs as well as hers and not assume I have none.

It would take courage to say something like that but it would then be out in the open.

I think there is one massive difference here. OPs Dsis has already been gifted far more than most healthy working people could hope for in a lifetime. She has THREE properties - she is more than adequately funded. I do think that the division of assets to date has been understandable, given DSis condition, but the main inheritance should be 50/50. OP has children and is also their daughter. That should be recognised.

OP, I actually think you should speak to your DSis about this rather than your parents. How does she feel about it?

Think I'd have to talk with your parents..........could start with similar approach to how i did with a boss many years ago when I found out he was paying the men more than me. I was the only female and essentially organised the men and worked same hours.
I asked him casually if he valued the men more than me, he looked shocked and started waffling how of course not, I was highly valued and couldn't manage without me........when he finished blustering i said well why are you paying them more than me?!.......took the wind out of his sails, he visibly gulped as didn't realise what was coming but it was rectified (this was in the day before equal pay for women was law).

As you say it's not the actual amounts but how it makes you feel of less value than your sister and less loved.

For me this is all about what could happen in the future. It’s great that your parents have set up your sister with a home and an income and that you are doing well at the moment but your circumstances could change in the future. It would therefore be fairer to treat you equally in the will.

I often don't weigh in on these things b/c I think people have their reasons, maybe not known to posters. I also as a parent of dc with disabilities will need to do my will differently to the average/norm and I know that.

Having said that, this seems deeply unfair in light of the fact she also has rental properties and a home. In addition you have dc and like many have said you just never know what happens in the future.

I think I'd chat with them, gently and just let them know how it is making you feel. You can say you really don't want this to come between you and that you've thought about it and it's unsettled you to the point you want to talk about it. I'd focus on feelings rather than accusations, or perceived accusations.

considering your DS has a property plus rentals, best have an honest discussion with your parents and explain that you feel hurt by their favouritism.

I think it's worth an open conversation with your parents to understand why if only for your own peace of mind.

My mum has an unequal will, I get the largest percentage on the basis I have had the least financial support, then it's my nephew as he only has 1 grandparent which is her then my brother and the rest split between remaining 4 grandchildren (2 mine, 2 DB so half siblings of DN).

I have zero issue with my nephew getting more then my children I completely understand why and he is the one who will struggle the most. DB has tens of thousands over the years. I did say to my mum that it was best if she spoke to him about it and to her credit she did and explained it to my DB and her reasoning.

Chances are one of the DPs might end up in a care home so inheritance might not be that great.
And if DSis has no children yours are likely to inherit from her.
You said you were doing ok- I would leave it be and the fact DSis has money to pay for herself and care she may need leaves you without responsibility.
Hopefully no cocklodger comes along to benefit from DSis riches, -perhaps suggesting that she could be vulnerable to that might deter DPs from their present plan.

Thank you all - some really useful replies, especially the person who took the time to write out what a potential conversation could look like - thank you so much, it has really helped to have some outside perspective on this

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Did anything come of this, OP? I wondered if they were thinking you'll inherit all your sisters things anyway? Not that it is likely to work out that seamlessly.