Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DD to stay away from this kid?

29 replies

PaperDoIIs · 19/02/2024 08:08

Background: In the summer holidays DD lost her friend group. Long story short, she didn't toe the line , so she got called names, was left out, got threats and even the girls not directly involved were pressured to drop contact with her, which they did. We're on the other side of this, DD has settled well at secondary, has a new group of nice friends and all these girls are blocked. There's a lot more to it, but basically she's doing well, and out of the drama, at least on her part.

One of the ringleaders keeps asking DD(through others ) to unblock her. I've heard she might be having a hard time, and not getting on very well with the girls , but I don't trust this kid as far as I could throw her. Some of the girls have done this before, apologising, pretending to be nice for a day or two and then exploding all over DD once again.

DD asked what to do , as she veers between being worried something starting at school (I've alleviated these fears) or feeling sorry for her in case she is lonely/miserable (I told her it's not her problem). Basically, I told her not to unblock her and ignore, she's out of the drama and she needs to stay out. They're all at the same secondary and only y7, so it could be years of this.

Internally, I'll be honest, I don't give a shit what the situation really is , even if she is genuinely reaching out , DD is not some kind of emotional support animal and she (all of them really)did this to herself.

It also annoys the shit out of me that it's been months now and they still pop up like an unwanted rash .

OP posts:
Snugmummy · 19/02/2024 08:11

Absolutely tell her to ignore. Learning to stick to your boundaries is a great lesson. She owes the girl nothing and I’m a great believer in you reap what you sow- teenage girls can be ruthless.

Badgerandfox227 · 19/02/2024 08:11

I don’t blame you and I’d encourage the same. Girls can be so mean and manipulative. I remember a similar situation when I was at secondary, the ones who tag on give the ring leaders power, they have no backbone and could easily switch back. So not worth your DD letting them back in IMO.

GRex · 19/02/2024 08:23

School years are long. The year group can't realistically be big enough for her to entirely ignore them. I also wouldn't guarantee that behaviour age 11-12 is a good predictor of future behaviour. Your DD will need to balance keeping up her new friendships with not antagonising (and ignoring is antagonising to young girls) the old bunch. Even the worst of them probably does feel genuinely sorry at times, then their controlling meanness will pop back out again. The last thing you want is for your DD to be a target for teasing when the group has issues.

I would try to look for a middle ground here. The new friends are the best friends, who should be proritised and the only ones she actively hangs out with, but letting an ex friend chat and sound off about the old group is ok too. Friendly, rather than friends. Never agree nor comment anything except "oh that's a shame / hope you are OK".

Validus · 19/02/2024 08:38

They won’t have changed in any meaningful way.

They need to stay in time out. If they’ve matured by year 9 then your DD can reassess then. Unblocking this soon would be an invitation to abuse her again.

Original poster
PaperDoIIs · 19/02/2024 08:41

GRex · 19/02/2024 08:23

School years are long. The year group can't realistically be big enough for her to entirely ignore them. I also wouldn't guarantee that behaviour age 11-12 is a good predictor of future behaviour. Your DD will need to balance keeping up her new friendships with not antagonising (and ignoring is antagonising to young girls) the old bunch. Even the worst of them probably does feel genuinely sorry at times, then their controlling meanness will pop back out again. The last thing you want is for your DD to be a target for teasing when the group has issues.

I would try to look for a middle ground here. The new friends are the best friends, who should be proritised and the only ones she actively hangs out with, but letting an ex friend chat and sound off about the old group is ok too. Friendly, rather than friends. Never agree nor comment anything except "oh that's a shame / hope you are OK".

There are 8 forms in her year. She's not with any of them, in fact only 2 are in her year group half, none of them in her sets and only sees the two in PE. They take the train, she takes the bus.She'll say hello if they do, or answer a question, but that's it. That door is shut and I think it would be stupid to open it again, especially when she's still getting dirty looks sometimes or they got their new friends to pick on her too when she was still being friendly. Ideally , they'll eventually get bored and forget all about her.The lack of contact would help with that.

OP posts:
SpacePotato · 19/02/2024 08:42

If it was my DD I'd tell her to ignore thi girl tbh. Not to get sucked back in.
Either the main bully has picked a new victim or and this girl is genuine, or they are still trying to target your DD and this is a means to an end.

Also make sure she never gets involved with slagging off the old group as anything she texts etc will no doubt be screenshot/passed along and used against her when this girl is back in the gang.

Lifebeganat50 · 19/02/2024 08:45

I’d also encourage her to keep her distance…it would be inviting trouble and issues for your dd to allow this girl back in. It’s harsh, but actions have consequences and the other girl is well old enough to learn that

pinkstripeycat · 19/02/2024 08:48

I think you’ve answered your own question OP.

guitarpluckingchicken · 19/02/2024 08:50

We teach people how to treat us, if we allow them to treat us like shit and keep letting them back into our lives, they will still probably treat us like shit. Boundaries and good and healthy and these girls need to know that they can't behave this way and retain friendships otherwise their behaviour will never change.

This is the difference from primary where they fall out and make up again by lunch the next day. But secondary they need to learn you cannot behave appallingly toward someone and expect them to still be your friend. Plus primary is what, 30 children to choose from for friendships and secondary is hundreds, far more choice allowing children to choose who they want to be friends with rather than stuck with people in primary.

So I wouldn't unblock her and I would tell the messengers why, she treated me appallingly and I don't wish to be friends with her.

Redlarge · 19/02/2024 08:54

Keep her blocked. She was happy to isolate your dd when she was having a hard time. Dd owes her nothing and needs to concentrate on her new friends.

Seagrassbasket · 19/02/2024 08:54

God yeah keep her on ignore. Teaches the girl she can’t behave like that and a nice lesson in boundaries for your DD!

pizzaHeart · 19/02/2024 09:04

Well , if she wants to be friends again she can do this without phone involved can’t she?
She can see your DD at the canteen, between classes, in the library and show her friendly attitude. Why should their relationship start from unblocking?

I think you are right OP 100% . However this girl might change in the future so I wouldn’t exclude your DD being friendly with her later on e.g if they will be at the same GCSE group

EMUKE · 19/02/2024 09:12

Please please please ensure your DD sticks to ignoring and being blocked. They chose to do what they did to her and no one should be allowed in your life to create stress. Block block block. She has been segregated away from the group and she would be silly to allow herself to get back in contact: grow and move forward. I hope her current school know of the prev situation to ensure this certain group/ ring leader is being looked out for reoccurring behaviour. Our kids mental health needs to be watched so carefully now days with social media ect.

Sodndashitall · 19/02/2024 09:12

Could a compromise be that she unblocks but mutes or hides (depending on social media) and therefore doesn't actually interact. This may be useful if she's worried that these girls will escalate if they are continuing to be blocked. She could alternatively offer them one social media unblock eg Instagram but keep them blocked on WhatsApp.
Being able to hold people at a distance is a good skill your DD is learning. I think you are right to warn her against trying to fox this girls problems even if genuine.

Original poster
PaperDoIIs · 19/02/2024 09:56

pizzaHeart · 19/02/2024 09:04

Well , if she wants to be friends again she can do this without phone involved can’t she?
She can see your DD at the canteen, between classes, in the library and show her friendly attitude. Why should their relationship start from unblocking?

I think you are right OP 100% . However this girl might change in the future so I wouldn’t exclude your DD being friendly with her later on e.g if they will be at the same GCSE group

This is my way of seeing things. Why does it have to be on her phone or on specific accounts?
She can always come and say hi or talk during a PE lesson.

It's not a forever "ban" as who knows how things and people will change , but this soon and after everything that went on it just isn't an option. I've worked really hard to help DD to find her voice, have good boundaries in place etc. as she was a very quiet/shy child that tends to go with the flow for an easy life.

OP posts:
Original poster
PaperDoIIs · 19/02/2024 09:57

Sodndashitall · 19/02/2024 09:12

Could a compromise be that she unblocks but mutes or hides (depending on social media) and therefore doesn't actually interact. This may be useful if she's worried that these girls will escalate if they are continuing to be blocked. She could alternatively offer them one social media unblock eg Instagram but keep them blocked on WhatsApp.
Being able to hold people at a distance is a good skill your DD is learning. I think you are right to warn her against trying to fox this girls problems even if genuine.

I don't want any of them on her phone for various reasons, the main one being that the worst stuff was online.

OP posts:
TheaBrandt · 19/02/2024 10:03

God no way. You need to help your Dd with her boundaries. Dh always been very hard on this with ours if a friend is persistently unkind that’s it. There are enough nice people in the world.

Similar happened to Dd - ostracised lied about all instigated by one girl. She later admitted it was because she was bored and jealous.

DD rebuilt and is now incredibly popular and well connected and this girl…is not. Incredibly this girl whined around asking for an invite to a party. We all had a good laugh about that. Err fuck off love.

JCLV · 19/02/2024 10:27

PaperDoIIs · 19/02/2024 09:57

I don't want any of them on her phone for various reasons, the main one being that the worst stuff was online.

Show quote history

Quite right. Kids using social media and texting can be toxic. If the girl wants to be friends it doesn't have to be on line. Don't open that can or worms.

EmailMyHeart · 19/02/2024 10:30

It’s brilliant that your DD has extricated herself from these horrible bully ex-friends. I (like so any others) got bullied by my so-called friends and it led to awful depression, suicidal thoughts, etc. You’re doing the right thing telling her to keep ignoring them. It’s lovely she has a new group to focus on now.

Namechange1253467 · 19/02/2024 10:36

Always always stand up to bullies. Never let them win

Sodndashitall · 19/02/2024 10:52

PaperDoIIs · 19/02/2024 09:57

I don't want any of them on her phone for various reasons, the main one being that the worst stuff was online.

Show quote history

Understood. Then have her tell these mutual friends that her mum has prevented it and that solves the problem

Thelnebriati · 19/02/2024 10:56

Give your DD some simple phrases like ''stop running messages for her'' and ''I already said no, don't ask again'' to use with the girls who are running messages for the bully.

5128gap · 19/02/2024 11:23

You need to help your DD reach her own decision on this, as just telling her won't have the same impact as coming to her own conclusion. Get her to talk to you about the pros and cons for her of responding to the girl. Why is she considering it? What are the positives, or the risks she sees in ignoring her? Get her to imagine likely future scenarios if she allows contact to resume and if she doesn't. What's the best outcome? The worst? The most likely?

ilovebreadsauce · 19/02/2024 11:36

If she's on y7 she is 11 or 12.Get her off SM

PleaseStopEatingMyStuff · 19/02/2024 12:01

Tell her to keep them blocked OP. Please! This group sound awful.