Payrise and maintenance

[Lillo7]

Keen to hear people's opinions about this.

Two DC, father is married with more children. Mother is single.

Father is not on a great wage however his wife has received several payrises in the years they've been together and works in a professional career which means as a whole their household is quite well off and can afford quite a lot of luxuries.

Maintenance is paid by the father based on his low wage. Mother is struggling a little as also on a lower wage.

Mother argues that they should pay more as a household instead due to wife's higher pay, obviously not officially through CMS as they don't take new partners into account, but morally. Wife disagrees and says what she earns is nothing to do with the mother and is for her household/children/ stepchildren when there, not at their mums.

Father stuck in the middle a bit.

Random poll options

YABU - wife should subsidise higher maintenance.

YANBU - Mother and father should care for their children on their own respective wages and what wife earns is nothing to do with the mother.

Fair enough OP, you need to tell her to just leave it. If your husband is still working then it’s not up to you to top up CMS or contribute from your new pay rise. Like you said your step children are benefiting from activities and holidays with you and your husband. If it was his increase in wage then it would be a different story.

His wife doesn’t go out to work to subsidise an increase in his child maintenance payments.

Her stepchildren will feel all the benefits of their stepmum’s earnings in lots and lots of ways. Ways that don’t involve chucking money at the mum, which from the wife’s POV will just feel like dead money. She’s not their parent so she won’t feel good about blindly sending money over to another woman for her kids.

If that was me, as a complete NON parent of these children, I’d want to know what my money has been spent on down to the last fish finger and bottle of shampoo. 😬

The swanky new car he let OP buy him and the guilt are definitely choices. If he wants to make his ex feel better he can enjoy less of what OP is providing and drive and old banger and decline nice holidays.

It's madness his ex expecting you to subsidise her. After my divorce I remarried and current DH and I very financially comfortable exh has health issues now he didn't have when we were married. At the point of my divorce I was awarded part of exh pension as I'd taken time out of my teaching career, 1 year off for each DC. Then returned part time for several years until our youngest was 6 before going full time again. Our DC are grown up now but amazingly exh still rants to our adult DC I stole his pension and I should be paying HIM money each month because I could afford to. My DC have told him he's out of order but some people just seem deluded and feel entitled to anything their ex has after divorce. My ex has repeatedly complained to me he's never been allowed to take our DC to my holiday home I own with DH. Hold your ground be kind to DSC when they are with you. That makes you a good step Mum.

Op I have posted from your perspective on my own thread a couple of years ago. YOU do not not need to pay his ex wife anything. If you choose to, I think you can help contribute directly to the children by buying some uniform or something. But your step children are already benefitting from your income whilst they are staying with you. It is not your responsibility to fund any expenses while they are living with their mother. Yes there may be disparities between the two homes but that is life. As long as your husband is paying the required amount AND equally funding extras (trips, activities, gifts) then you don't need to pay more iyswim

Hahahahahahahahahahahah imagine, just imagine if this was a thing????

all the nope.

He really is an entitled twat, isn't he? I bet he wasn't any better when you were married to him?

Wife/stepmother income has nothing to do with child maintenance; there is no reason for her to subsidise someone else's DC.

It is not the wife’s problem to pay for someone else’s children.

Sums it up well. Only the father is responsible not the new wife.

@caringcarer Haha, what?!

Why on earth should your ex h think he's entitled to use your holiday home???

YANBU - Mother and father should care for their children on their own respective wages and what wife earns is nothing to do with the mother.

Because he still rages I got some of his pension. When we divorced he was in good health now 17 years later he isn't and in his twisted mind I should hand back his part of pension I was awarded when my DC were still quite young. I think he might also have some MH issues now. My DC say he does, and say he tells them he might feel better if he could use my holiday home. I won't be letting him use it. I do let my DC use it. My DS has been with lots of his friends because it has 7 bedrooms. My DD has used it several times with her DH and 2 DGD's. He rage's at our DC to take him too when they use it. DH and I have been on holiday with DD, SiL and 2 DGS's there. This summer we're going with our second DS and his gf. He's jealous of how my life improved after we divorced whilst his got worse. I've said no he can't use it because although I'm sorry if he has MH issues, it's nothing to do with him and my DH wouldn't want him in it either. The ranting and rages only seem to have happened over the last 8 or 9 years since we got our holiday home.

Now you’re just being silly
he should drive an old car, despite as a family them being able to afford newer ones, to make his ex feel better.

ffs

With our situation, DH and I both had good jobs. The ex and her new partner both worked, but in lower paid jobs. There was no way we could (or wanted to) correct the disparity, but DSS was definitely treated to nice things when he was with us, and he had some very nice holidays. He didn't dip out.

I've said to DH, it's not up to me to subsidise her because she's single and doesn't earn as much.

I agree, but they should both be looking to cooperate to maximise THEIR earnings if they want their joint children to have a better standard of living. Can your DH have the kids more so the ex can work extra hours? Can he make extra payments from his own spending money?

Not your problem, but CM is a minimum and I'm afraid I would judge a dad living a significantly better lifestyle than his children for most of the time, especially if they're mostly being cared for by their mum (who therefore can't work extra due to childcare commitments).

We've offered plenty of times to have DC more. Her response is to ask if he's calling her a bad mum 🙄

He'd have them half the time. I've said before he should make it happen via court then if he wants but he's constantly made to feel guilty about anything that doesn't go his exes way. And tbf the DC are a little older now so that ship has probably sailed anyway as they are practically old enough to decide for themselves.

Not your problem, but CM is a minimum and I'm afraid I would judge a dad living a significantly better lifestyle than his children for most of the time, especially if they're mostly being cared for by their mum (who therefore can't work extra due to childcare commitments).

@Goldbar so should the second wife minimise her earnings, so that the disparity doesn't exist?

I morally it depends what amount he’s paying (how low) and the difference in lifestyle. Obviously legally not your issue but I guess the DC’s father isn’t going to push himself to earn more whilst someone else is buying cars and earning a lot. Again nothing can be done but I can see her point being a bit upset for her children if they have completely different standards of living and that’s what maintenance is there but when it’s the new parents money not much can be done. I mean it wouldn’t hurt to add £50, when was it last reviewed? Cost of living is a killer and on one salary it is hard. I don’t think the answer is 50-50 as then she loses maintenance but has almost the same costs bar a reduction in food. That’s going to make it harder not better

@caringcarer Your exh should be allowed to holiday with his children in your property. Afterall, you ‘stole’ his pension.🤣🤣🤣.

You honestly couldn’t make some of this shit up - the shameless twat 🤦🏾‍♀️.

I think the idea around 50/50 is she will have more time to work, upskill, spend less on food / energy… Ideally that improves her financial situation 🤷🏽‍♀️.

I'm sorry, this is just how I feel. I couldn't respect someone having a good standard of living 'living off' someone else's earnings, conveniently not taken into account by the CMS, while their children struggle. It would completely give me the ick.

This doesn't mean that I in any way think that the new partner is responsible for financing the kids. I agree 100% that it's entirely the parents' responsibility.

But if you choose to have children, you should strive to give them the best start in life that you possibly can. They don't stop becoming entitled to this just because you separate from their other parent. And driving a new car around if your ex is struggling to afford some of the basic things most parents would hope to give their children during childhood (days out, extracurricular activities, for example) - for me, that just leaves a nasty taste. Start job-hunting for a higher paid job, get a second job, do what you need to give your kids a decent childhood. Too much 'out of sight, out of mind' with some NRPs.

The mother of kids should get a better paid job.

Start job-hunting for a higher paid job, get a second job

But not her I assume?