Payrise and maintenance

[Lillo7]

Keen to hear people's opinions about this.

Two DC, father is married with more children. Mother is single.

Father is not on a great wage however his wife has received several payrises in the years they've been together and works in a professional career which means as a whole their household is quite well off and can afford quite a lot of luxuries.

Maintenance is paid by the father based on his low wage. Mother is struggling a little as also on a lower wage.

Mother argues that they should pay more as a household instead due to wife's higher pay, obviously not officially through CMS as they don't take new partners into account, but morally. Wife disagrees and says what she earns is nothing to do with the mother and is for her household/children/ stepchildren when there, not at their mums.

Father stuck in the middle a bit.

Random poll options

YABU - wife should subsidise higher maintenance.

YANBU - Mother and father should care for their children on their own respective wages and what wife earns is nothing to do with the mother.

I'd tell her we'd have the kid more so she can get a second job, the cheeky bitch!

It’s like that on mn isn’t it? Another favourite is that all women sacrifice high flying careers to facilitate their husband’s careers and to stay at home with the kids. Meanwhile in the real world, a lot of people simply stop working their average job because it suits them as much as it does everyone else.

Because I see post after post of women struggling to raise their children with a pittance of CMS. Even if it's £500 a month that wouldn't cover half of the monthly childcare bill for many DC, and that's before the mother has to feed and clothe the DC, never mind activities, uniform etc, none of which fathers tend to contribute to because they pay CMS.

OP is talking about two "nice" new cars and going away "all the time". We're nowhere near that level, it's one shared used car and one holiday and we still wouldn't miss an extra £100-£200 going out each month. It's likely that an additional contribution from OP that wouldn't be noticed in their family finances could make a massive difference to the DC's quality of life with their mother. I don't know why OP wouldn't do that.

We're not talking about someone scraping the pennies together.

OP, if you don't want to give money to the ex (insert stereotype about her nails or tan here), you could volunteer to pay for swimming lessons/uniform/other regular and significant expense.

Who says he’s stalled his career? Could be the same wage he earned when they were together.

It's likely that an additional contribution from OP that wouldn't be noticed in their family finances could make a massive difference to the DC's quality of life with their mother. I don't know why OP wouldn't do that.

I absolutely do not get up and put my DC in childcare and work 10 hours a day so my SDC can have a nicer life with their mother.

Amazing how women expect other women to step up for each other when it’s not their place.

Yes this is what I think. I work hard and put my own DC in childcare more than I'd like for the money I make. I don't do it for DHs ex, or even my DSC tbh although they do benefit when with us and are always included on things like holidays etc.

DH hasn't stalled his career or anything, his job just doesn't earn a huge amount. Same with his ex. They both work in respected careers, they just aren't hugely well paid.

He Should continue to work full-time and/or take advantage of opportunities to provide his children with the best he can offer. He also needs to ensure he’s not reducing maintenance payments to his children, so he can subsidise someone else’s.

Your earnings are yours, and should not be used to top up their low earnings, provided you’re not making joint decisions to reduce his income at the detriment of his children.

Honestly? I think it's odd how you are happy to buy your dh a new car and he is happy to accept that but not to contribute to your dss.

I do contribute toward DSC. At our house.

Yes DH works full time and hasn't reduced anything.

But she does contribute to the DSS and the DSS does benefit from this higher standard of living, but only when they are under their roof. But why should her DPs ex benefit from her?

RTFT She is new wife and the ex is after her cash!!

It does make me wonder if she got a partner who was better off than DH would he have the entitlement to ask for money off them 'so that DSCs lifestyle was the same at both houses'.

I doubt it.

Same here!

This is just what I was about to say!

You do contribute lots to the DSC by providing for them at your house. They're not even your children 😂 and your DH pays more than CMS states - what more does she want? Wild.

Buying her DH a car benefits their household and presumably the DSS in that their dad has a car to drive them to places in and collect them.

She does contribute to their support when they stay with her.

It is not her duty to support them when they are with their mum. It's their mum and dad's duty and he pays maintenance.

I don't think the cars thing is a big deal. I didn't necessarily buy DH a car but we do use two for both getting to work and dropping DC off etc. And both were getting on a bit. When I received a bonus from work we replaced them. We both use both cars, it wasn't exactly saying 'here is your car DH and here is mine'.

Nope, nope, nope.

I expect that my ex and I will pay for our child, and have no expectation of him finding a highly paid woman to subsidise us. Good grief!

The fact that the OP may afford to pay an extra £100-200 is neither here nor there. She doesn’t need to.

I’m not in the business of blending families and I detest feckless fathers, but I can’t get on board with this idea. If the OP is generous and wishes to share, good for her. No-one, her husband or his ex should have any expectations of her.

It’s the parents’ job to maintain their children. It’s the father’s job to ensure he maintains meaningful employment and support his kids as best as possible.

Some people! I’m sorry but who does the single mum think she is… it makes no difference what the new wife earns. You didn’t help make their child, you don’t help financially support their child simple as that. The cheek of her. She’s lucky she is getting over what CSA would pay her. If she pushes if comment that if she wants things done to the letter then we can go through CAS and she’ll get less than she does now. Be grateful that when your child is with the dad and new wife that they look after them as if they were there own together and not unfairly treated. Mum wants more money go get a second job at a pub or something!

I wouldn't encourage DH to pay less than he does now or even reduce to CMS level. I think his contribution is suitable now for the level of custody that is shared and taking into account his salary. However I definitely don't think because I could pay more then we should.

Is this like the advice given to people struggling financially to “just get a better job”

he’s choosing to not earn more? You assume this based on what?

Why the fuck is a stepmum being expected to provide for step kids at someone else’s house?

would a mum be expected to give the dad money to ensure the same living standards? Of course not. In mumsnet world it’s be fine for him to live in a bed sit.