Payrise and maintenance

[Lillo7]

Keen to hear people's opinions about this.

Two DC, father is married with more children. Mother is single.

Father is not on a great wage however his wife has received several payrises in the years they've been together and works in a professional career which means as a whole their household is quite well off and can afford quite a lot of luxuries.

Maintenance is paid by the father based on his low wage. Mother is struggling a little as also on a lower wage.

Mother argues that they should pay more as a household instead due to wife's higher pay, obviously not officially through CMS as they don't take new partners into account, but morally. Wife disagrees and says what she earns is nothing to do with the mother and is for her household/children/ stepchildren when there, not at their mums.

Father stuck in the middle a bit.

Random poll options

YABU - wife should subsidise higher maintenance.

YANBU - Mother and father should care for their children on their own respective wages and what wife earns is nothing to do with the mother.

That’s a different scenario to OP’s. Your ex is knowingly and sneakily depriving his DD money from HIM. That’s scummy behaviour and I agree with you that paying £800 on a car via a salary sacrifice is beyond repulsive. He sounds like he will constantly try to find ways to reduce the money he gives to her from his money.

With OP situation though, I don’t see the father in quite the same light as your DD’s father. OP’s husband sounds like he’s paying maintenance for his DD without using any loopholes to try and reduce it. The fact that he has a wife with a high earning job doesn’t automatically equal bad father if he’s doing everything he can for his DD with his OWN money.

The children have everything they need, they do hobbies each, have uniforms, clothes, nice shoes, go on school trips. DH pays half of all this as well as maintenance. He also pays for their phones too.

We pay bills in proportion to our respective salaries, and I also end up covering more of things like holidays understandably. But I won't be taking on even more bills so that he can pay more than he already does to his ex. I don't see how that's any different than me just paying her myself.

From what I can tell, to her feeling the pinch or struggling is not being able to have many luxuries. The children are still clothed, fed, cared for etc..

My comment about her finding a partner was ridiculous yes. It was intended to be. Because her being single is absolutely not my problem and I won't feel guilty because she doesn't have a partner and I do. Her relationship status is nothing to do with me or my money.

Couldn't agree with you more @Lillo7

Agree with you OP. In our case the ex pleaded poverty whilst sitting on a part time wage, with a new kitchen, new car whilst telling the kids that they couldn't have nice things because of their dad.

The year that maintenance ended she went back to work full time.

I'm sorry, but it may be worth suggesting to the ex-wife to review her income and explore ways to improve it. It's important to remember that after a divorce, each party is responsible for their own financial situation.
While it may be tempting to compare lifestyles, it's not ethical or legal for one party to demand the same standard of living as the other.

Totally agree

I didn't think YABU to start off with, OP, because it's not your job to pay for their children, however much the mum might be struggling.

However, now that you've clarified that all 'struggling' and 'feeling the pinch' means in this situation is that the ex is having to cut down on luxuries like holidays and meals out (which the kids won't be missing out on anyway because they can have them when they're at your house), then I also agree that your DH is not unreasonable either. So long as the kids have everything they need in life to thrive and do well, their mum's lifestyle beyond that is clearly not his responsibility.

Well if they object to that woman and her children having a better lifestyle than he or his ex provide… yeah.

if the optics and equal provision matter to him, he should just pick someone whose lifestyle won’t make his kids feel bad.

Or everyone could be bloody grateful for what the woman actually enables and provides and stop trying to get her to provide even more because she chose a man with children.

people clearly dont rtft op as stated her dh pays more tan the cms minumum has not reduced it since having more chhildren and has also offered to hhave them more which thhe ex has has refused

op hhhas nothing to do with providing for their children

What strikes me reading the first half of this thread (not read it all) is how many people seem to think that it’s ok for step parents to not treat or value their step children as much as their own children. I can’t imagine seeing my step children as anything less than my own children.

In the UK, The Second Wife is partially responsible and is accessed for financial arrangements for her husbands first family. Dont SHOOT the messenger.
So that a Man cannot do a runner and beget more sprogs to eliminate himself from financial liability.

Stop lying.

Nope.

Oh stop with the moralising.

1. The same laws don’t apply across the UK, so your assertion fails in the first clause.
2. Why have you capitalised Second Wife like it’s a title?
3. In England a new partner (or wife) is only relevant if there has not yet been a financial settlement. No one should consider a relationship with someone divorced who does not have the finances sorted (on a clean break basis).
4. If the new partner is taken into consideration as part of agreeing a financial settlement, it is only in relation to the divorcing partner’s reduced needs (because they no longer need to be solely responsible for paying their housing and living costs). But it is much better to not live with someone who hasn’t sorted their divorce out yet in pretty much all cases.

Your final sentence is weird and seems intended to dehumanise the younger children in a so-called second family.

So, yeah, we will shoot the messenger. Because the messenger is up to no good.

It is absolutely okay to not to treat and value stepchildren the same as your own children. It would be different if your stepchildren lived with you and you were bringing them up with your partner. However, in my situation, my stepchildren children were thirteen and eleven when I met them and they came to stay every other weekend. I did not and do not feel the same about them as I did/do about my children. I value my children above anything and anyone and I think that's completely natural.

Would you give them half your wage at the detriment to your own home to 'equalise' if the RP did not earn the same?

Wife shouldn’t pay for fathers kids !

this reflects my situation actually- I am a single mum with not a great income and I do struggle.
Ex partner is self employed and actually doesn’t pay anything but that’s a story for another day.
His partner is absolutely minted 🫣😂- they both have brand new cars, holidays to Dubai, the Maldives, house with no mortgage etc etc.. I definitely DON’T expect her to pay for mine and my exs DD!!!

I should add that she’s a lovely woman! And does contribute to treats for my DD when she is there with her dad which is so kind!

but I wouldn’t expect her to pay towards my DDs maintenance

The great pity here is that a man who didn't earn enough to support one child well, went ahead and fathered some more.

I get it OP, you earn enough to support those kids. But there's no way on earth your DH pays nothing towards your shared family life, and what he is paying makes him less able to support the DC he already had.

Regardless OP, you as the wife aren't responsible for subsidising his ex & child.

I think a surprising number of people are always looking to someone else/anyone else to support them financially, whether its an ex, a spouse, the state.

What strikes me reading the first half of this thread (not read it all) is how many people seem to think that it’s ok for step parents to not treat or value their step children as much as their own children. I can’t imagine seeing my step children as anything less than my own children.

This amazes me. I can't imagine ever having a love for someone else's kids to match how i love my own. They are my babies, i birthed them, fed them, I'd cut off my arm for them.

I don't think anyone else's children are lesser as people but I could never love them like my own.

Nail on the head @Futb0l

Yep.

Don’t blame me, if you’re prepared to see that kind of behaviour as acceptable.