Angry and upset

[Perkypiggy]

Many years ago I used to model for art classes. Occasionally the artists would kindly give me their sketches. One has been for years in DH room he uses to listen to music, hobbies etc and I always thought it was nice it was there. Just tacked up on the wall casually.
The classes were life drawing so I am unclothed, sitting on a chair, breasts and tummy are seen but it’s in no way a sexy pose nor representation.
DH has big problems understanding or connecting with other people’s feelings. Also to avoid drip feed, his issues with sex led to me feeling rubbish about my body. The respect and appreciation I got from modelling did a lot to help me heal.
This morning I found the painting torn up in a bin. I felt really upset and asked him why he had done it. He said he thought I didn’t like the painting and said I’d told him I didn’t like it a few days ago so he was doing it for me. I told him I was upset because it reminded me of a good period in my life - and that I was always happy he had it in his room. I denied ever saying I didn’t like it (why would I?).
DH then predictably lost his rag, shouted etc, told me it was my fault for giving him the wrong impression “, looked at his watch while I spoke, shouted that “this is a ridiculous situation”. To be clear, I hadn’t cried, got visibly upset, I just told him that what he had done had upset me.
He basically didn’t acknowledge that what he had done had hurt me and simply kept angrily repeating that it was my fault for giving him the impression that I didn’t like the picture.
AIBU - I should accept he made a mistake and suck it up
IANBU - He destroyed something I liked, and which had good memories for me, without consulting me, and is making it my fault.

He's being really shit about it! I'd be very upset by this.

My first priority would honestly be trying to rescue my picture- get the scraps, sellotape it back together and see if you can get it scanned anywhere, the loss of the pic would be really awful.

But honestly, I feel every sympathy for you, he sounds tedious.

@44PumpLane thanks, I’ve been too busy being upset to think about rescuing the painting!

Does he always get defensive and shouty when he’s in the wrong? He sounds very childish. I agree with PP that you should try and rescue it. Ripping it up is a really odd thing to do.

That's awful of him! Why would he rip it up anyway? Even if you'd told him you don't like the picture he could just put it away in a drawer, even throw it out as one whole peice, the ripping up feels more emotional as getting rid of it wasn't enough it had to be destroyed.

Yes try and save it if you can it would be such a shame to loose something irreplaceable like that.

I’d be getting a lovely picture drawn of me and hanging it in the bedroom.

Thanks for your kind replies.

His behaviour is unacceptable. I would also try and rescue the picture, and would be having a serious come-to-Jesus talk with your DH about his attitude.

He's acted appallingly! I could never see my DH doing something like that. The fact that he's ripped it, adds an element of spite. I could never rip up a photo or painting of somebody I loved, even if it was a bad picture. No way.

Terrible from him but it sounds like there are bigger issues than just the picture.

How dare he. What gives him the right to destroy your property? Even if he thinks you don’t like it. Which is a bullshit reason anyway.
I would try and repair the painting and hang it in your bedroom. I would probably destroy something he really loved too but I’m a petty bitch

He said he thought I didn’t like the painting and said I’d told him I didn’t like it a few days ago so he was doing it for me. I told him I was upset because it reminded me of a good period in my life - and that I was always happy he had it in his room. I denied ever saying I didn’t like it (why would I?)

What do you think the real reason could be? He is angry with you for some reason? Not suggesting ripping up the picture is justified in any case. But is there some recent issue/ argument?

Thanks for your further kind replies. He is an angry man who lacks empathy. I have been with him for a long time and he constantly protests that he’s trying to do better, I do love him but this latest has made me think maybe I’ve come to the end of the line.

Wow. That's really shitty of him.

Regardless of what you'd said, it wasn't his ro destroy.

@Mamette i wondered that and asked him was he angry with me when he did it. He said he wasn’t. I saw the painting a couple of days ago as normal and since then there have been no arguments or unpleasantness. I do think the fact he ripped it up suggests anger. I’m really hurt.

@Gymmum82 he has a lot of expensive guitars … I tried to explain how would you feel if I smashed up one of them, but he said it wasn’t comparable.

Leave the bastard.

Can you get the pieces and take them to a local artist to recreate somehow? That would be my priority too. As well as leaving him. Couldn’t live with someone like that - and so uncaring of your feelings/ defensive/ childish. Feel so sad for you!

Is there one he’s complained about? Maybe it should go to the charity shop - “oh thought you didn’t like that one”

I'd go and do that tbh, but I'm an arsehole like that

@Peaceandquietandacuppa its the uncaring of my feelings that’s the thing that hurts. The painting is just a thing. I have lived with this man for so long now and my longing for intimacy is still there. But I know it will never happen. I feel a fool.

I’m really sorry to read this, OP. I’d feel upset and angry if I was in your shoes and my partner had ripped up and destroyed something that was really important to me and couldn’t be replaced.

When I was reading your posts in this thread, I wondered whether perhaps your DH might be autistic? I was in two minds about whether I should ask this. I realise it seems like a bit of a leap for me to wonder this from just reading a couple of your posts, but I’m just wondering.

When you wrote that your DH seems to find it hard to understand other people’s feelings and that he lacks empathy, but he also says he’s trying really hard to get better at understanding other people’s feelings, this made me question whether he could be autistic.

Of course, there’s a big possibility that he’s not autistic. It’s just the part where you wrote that he finds it difficult to understand other people’s feelings but he also says he makes a real effort to get better at this that made me wonder this. It sounds like he’s not acting out of spite or anger but almost as if he thinks he’s doing you a favour and helping you by getting rid of the painting because you’d told him once that you didn’t like it.

I know I’m just a random stranger on the Internet who only has the context of your posts here to come to this sort of judgement, so please do take this with a pinch of salt and disregard it if it’s not helpful.

@Acapulco12 thank you, I am pretty sure he is autistic. I was wary of saying here, as I didn’t want to muddy the waters … he is definitely neurodivergent.. I cut him a lot of slack, I think all the time that he simply cannot understand. I think he tries.

I’d smash one. Just to check if it was comparable. He’s a twat

Do it.

DH then predictably lost his rag, shouted etc, told me it was my fault for giving him the wrong impression “, looked at his watch while I spoke,

Asshole.

I wouldn't want that kind of man in my life.