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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

New boyfriend gave me expensive jewellery - overthinking?

52 replies

BrionyM · 18/02/2024 16:28

My new boyfriend of 3 months gave me a necklace for Valentine's day. I was able to look it up and it's more pricey than any jewellery I've ever bought myself. It is also based on something I told him I really liked on our first date in passing. Anyway it's beautiful and I love it.

He has been divorced for a few years but he once mentioned that he and his ex didn't wear rings but they did wear custom made necklaces.

Going back to the gift, he mentioned he'd bought himself a similar one which made me remember this. Am I wrong to think that psychologically this is his way of lining me up as wife number 2?

Clearly it wouldn't be conscious necessarily. It's early days in terms of the relationship.

OP posts:
GreigeO · 18/02/2024 16:30

Yes, you're overthinking.

Floopani · 18/02/2024 16:34

Yes you're overthinking. If he is lining you up to be wife number 2 after three months, then run.

BrionyM · 18/02/2024 16:37

I thought as much. I'm good at overthinking!

It's just that if he wears his necklace and I'm wearing mine, it will look like his and hers necklaces.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 18/02/2024 16:38

I fail to see the problem here. He's bought you a lovely gift, and so what if he has designs to marry you? He might be head over heels for you and hoping this relationship lasts forever. He can't exactly marry you without your agreement, can he?

If he treats you well, respects you, and you are equally as fond of him, where's the problem?

YeahIsaidit · 18/02/2024 16:38

You're overthinking and super rude to have looked it up. Who does that?!

Aquamarine1029 · 18/02/2024 16:39

It's just that if he wears his necklace and I'm wearing mine, it will look like his and hers necklaces.

And? Why would that matter?

BrionyM · 18/02/2024 16:41

@Aquamarine1029 yes he does treat me very well. Actually he's more generous than any previous partner in every way. I suppose I'm just not used to it.

Probably need to just try and relax/enjoy this early relationship time and not stress 🙂

OP posts:
Tandora · 18/02/2024 16:41

Such an odd question. What do you mean “lining you up to be wife number 2”?! And what is your concern exactly?

Floatinginatincan · 18/02/2024 16:41

Man buys nothing =wrong
Man didn't spend enough= wrong
Man spent too much = wrong

Aquamarine1029 · 18/02/2024 16:44

BrionyM · 18/02/2024 16:41

@Aquamarine1029 yes he does treat me very well. Actually he's more generous than any previous partner in every way. I suppose I'm just not used to it.

Probably need to just try and relax/enjoy this early relationship time and not stress 🙂

Well yes, because if you keep looking for problems that don't exist, you'll overthink yourself right out of this relationship. No decent man will put up with this kind of ridiculous insecurity.

Livinghappy · 18/02/2024 16:47

Are you concerned this is lovebombing?

BrionyM · 18/02/2024 16:47

@Aquamarine1029 well I don't let him see the insecurity. I told him I loved it and wore it immediately.

I just store it up to ruminate later...which I know isn't healthy either! I will try to just enjoy the gift and relax.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 18/02/2024 16:52

If the guy can afford it then why on earth is it an issue?

You are not the thought police and so imo the guy can think what he likes!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/02/2024 16:54

Aquamarine1029 · 18/02/2024 16:39

It's just that if he wears his necklace and I'm wearing mine, it will look like his and hers necklaces.

And? Why would that matter?

I think op is wary of being love bombed.

Op just keep your wits about you like you are and enjoy yourself and don't sign over any credit cards like the tinder swindler or anything like that

PoliteTurtle · 18/02/2024 17:03

Even if he did want to line you up to be wife no.2
You can choose not to, the Q is explained in a way that suggests you haven’t got a choice which makes me feel like you’ve had a bad experience before…
I would say… relax and enjoy it?💐

LauritaEvita · 18/02/2024 17:13

For all we know, you might have only ever bought yourself costume jewellery from River Island. Was it a mind blowing amount of money? And if so, how does this relate to his income? An expensive gift from someone rich isn’t the same as someone who’s spent a month’s wages on your valentines gift.

Anjea · 18/02/2024 17:17

I'd be thinking it's his ex wife's necklace that she returned to him when they split.

Porfirio · 18/02/2024 17:23

Anjea · 18/02/2024 17:17

I'd be thinking it's his ex wife's necklace that she returned to him when they split.

I'm glad you wrote that as it's exactly what I was thinking and thought I'd get flamed if I posted it!

Newgolddream70 · 18/02/2024 17:44

I would feel quite uncomfortable receiving a piece of jewellery like this from someone I had only been dating for three months. It would make me feel a bit pressured/obligated, especially as he had bought himself one as well and coupled with the story of his ex, that really gets my brain whirling.

Minimili · 18/02/2024 17:48

I don’t think it’s a big issue and he’s probably just keen but I can see why you are wary.

My friend went on a date with a man she met on a dating site years ago and it went really well, he admired a gold and amethyst ring she was wearing that she really loved.
They had a couple more dates and were still getting on well, he took her out a few times and refused any offers she made to pay.
After a few weeks of seeing each other he bought her an 18k gold, diamond and amethyst necklace to match her ring, she was really uncomfortable and tried to give it back but she said it was awkward because he refused and was offended because it was a gift.

My friend looked it up to see how much it was because she was hoping it wasn’t as expensive as she feared. If it was a reasonable price she said she’d have felt better about accepting it, in the end she didn’t need to because he’d left the receipt in the box and it was nearly £500!

The man she was seeing wasn’t on a very high wage and she noticed on the receipt he’d paid by credit card so she worried more he couldn’t afford it and felt like he was buying her.

He asked her a few days later if she was free at the weekend and she wasn’t, when she said she was busy he hesitated for a few seconds then asked “have you been wearing your necklace? You looked so beautiful in it that I wanted to take you somewhere special to show it off”
My friend reiterated that it was beautiful but he shouldn’t have spent that much! He sulked a bit about not seeing her at the weekend but she agreed she’d see him the next week.

He text her all weekend asking her constantly what she was doing and who she was with, she was at a family birthday party and was getting fed up with being interrogated, she told me she wanted to finish with him but felt guilty he’d spent so much on her.
She went out with him again and he went on and on about the necklace saying things like “look at the shine from the diamond, it’s as sparkly as your eyes” and “the gold looks beautiful against your skin” my friend sat cringing until he said “I want to see you wearing nothing except the necklace”
My friend is very soft hearted and hates confrontation and awkwardness but she said she’d had enough and pretended to be ill so she could go home. Her date started begging her to stay and said he didn’t want her to go because they hardly saw each other and “people in a serious relationship” should see each other more then just once a week.

My friend was freaked out and begged him to take her home, she was relying on him taking her because he’d driven them out to a pub in a rural village 5 miles away with no real taxi service. Eventually he agreed and when he dropped her off she text him saying it was moving too fast and she didn’t want to see him again.
He called her begging and crying and kept asking “what about the necklace I bought you?” She asked for his address to post it back but he refused.

Unfortunately my friend was silly enough to let him pick her up and drop her off after the first few dates so he knew where she lived. He kept showing up at her house crying and begging and even wrote her a song! It was a nuisance at first but after a few months she got scared and had to move. Because he’d never been aggressive the police couldn’t help except warning him off but he just cried on them. The police gave him the necklace back but he posted it through her door again.

This went on for years, he never found her house but she kept changing her number and he kept finding her new one. He popped up on every dating site she tried and she would sometimes leave it months but the second she registered again he’d try to interact, she would block him and he’d set up a fake account.
Over a year after their first date she got talking to someone else online who was very good looking on the photos and seemed to like all the same things as her, she was really excited until one day he asked how her dog was. She hasn’t mentioned the dog because he’d died 6 months ago, it was necklace guy again.

In the end she pretended she was seeing a friend of ours who is a big man, he warned necklace freak off by going to see him at work and luckily he backed off.

This was 10 years ago and my friend has still never returned to dating sites because she still thinks her stalker will be waiting. She doesn’t really go anywhere to meet men so she’s still single.

It’s extremely unlikely this will happen to the OP of this post but it is a red flag for me when a man spends an excessive amount after a short dating period. It depends on if he can afford it and how much it was, if it was well out of what you’d expect his price range for a gift is than I’d be wary. If he keeps bringing it up then I’d run!

Missingmyusername · 18/02/2024 17:49

Anjea · 18/02/2024 17:17

I'd be thinking it's his ex wife's necklace that she returned to him when they split.

This was my first thought too.

BrionyM · 18/02/2024 17:51

@Newgolddream70 glad it's not just me. He also insists on paying for most of our meals but I insisted on paying yesterday and he didn't fight me over it.

It is that thing about being obligated. Obviously a gift is given freely, so I shouldn't really feel obligated.

I think he is taking the relationship seriously. But it's early days and I don't want to move too quickly. We're still getting to know each other.

OP posts:
BrionyM · 18/02/2024 17:53

@Missingmyusername I dont think so. On our first date we went to an exhibit and came across a type of material. He mentioned he was getting a necklace made from himself in that type of material just now.

I then said I also love this same material - this is true. He clearly remembered this and got one made for me too. I think and hope they're new.

OP posts:
BookSpines · 18/02/2024 17:54

How much was the necklace?

If it’s £500 and he is on minimum wage it’s a lot if he is very wealthy it may be the equivalent of him buying some cheap jewellery in Argos.

BrionyM · 18/02/2024 17:56

The necklace was £400. He earns 12k more than me and is about to get a promotion, resulting in another 10k increase.

so he's not poor or rich, probably doing well in the grand scheme of things.

OP posts:
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