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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - time for myself vs spending time with DH

28 replies

SlightlyOCDMum · 18/02/2024 14:15

As a word of context, I took both our daughters abroad for the week of half term, DH stayed back home to work. We are both full time working parents.
The following day upon my return, I was afraid of the reaction but still asked DH if I could go to the hairdresser (I need it both for my physical appearance but also to have a moment to myself). DH reluctantly agreed, but told me he was upset that I didn't want to spend time with him and that I would rather leave him as soon as I am back.
I explained this was not about leaving him nor not wanting to spend time with him, but much rather about having a short moment for myself to recover from a week with our children (one has a disability and is a massive drain on our mental and physical health).
AIBU for wanting to spend a short moment by myself? Or is DH right to say that I should want to spend time with him instead of doing something on my own?

OP posts:
TheSmallAssassin · 18/02/2024 14:17

What does a haircut take? A hour? He begrudges you even that short amount of time? What amazing thing are you going to do together in an hour that's better?

Midnlghtrain · 18/02/2024 14:17

I think there's no clear cut answer - there's normality in both options, it's normal to want to spend time with your husband when getting home from a week away (and him to want to spend time with you!), it's also normal to want some peace and quiet away from everyone when you've been looking after DC abroad alone for a week.

I'd say it's not normal if you're "afraid of the reaction" when asking to be able to go and do something alone.

missmollygreen · 18/02/2024 14:17

YANBU

IamSmarticus · 18/02/2024 14:17

You have to ask if you can go to the hairdresser? Wow.

QueenBean22 · 18/02/2024 14:18

No, YANBU.

Time to yourself is important for recuperation.

does the way he reacts often make you afraid?

Goalandgate · 18/02/2024 14:18

I think what is more concerning is that you were afraid to ask. Is your DH controlling? I think your break with the kids - lovely as it may have been - was not as much of a break as your DH had at home alone. You are entitled to time on your own & your DH should support that.

Rosesanddaisies1 · 18/02/2024 14:19

Jesus Christ why do you need to ask your husband to go for a haircut.

IncognitoUsername · 18/02/2024 14:19

It’s unreasonable that you have to ask if it’s ok for you to go to the hairdresser.

Catza · 18/02/2024 14:21

“afraid of his reaction” is the thing that bothers me in your post. My partner and I spend a lot of time apart (work away, independent holidays etc.) and it would not cross my mind that either of us will be afraid to ask for extra couple of hours of “me time”. In fact, we don’t even feel we need to ask. Why would I need someone’s permission to go to hairdresser. The only time we check with each other is when we need to coordinate childcare but it’s not asking for permission, it’s just checking that the other person hasn’t got anything else booked in at the same time.
Of course, it is absolutely fine to want to take some time off, it is also absolutely fine to want to spend time together. It’s not fine when someone’s reaction is so problematic that you need to be afraid in anticipation.

NuffSaidSam · 18/02/2024 14:21

You were afraid to go for a haircut because of your husband's reaction?

I'd say that's the main problem you've got.

Original poster
SlightlyOCDMum · 18/02/2024 14:25

Afraid is probably too strong as not physically afraid, but I always fear that the answer will be no or a yes loaded with resentment

OP posts:
Pigeonqueen · 18/02/2024 14:30

What on earth?!! He sounds very controlling.

RawBloomers · 18/02/2024 14:38

If it were just the two of you and you’d been gone for a week I could see his point, though don’t like the sound of the way he responds. But when one of you is being sole carer for two kids who can be hard work, on return the focus should be respite for the carer. When kids were young and DH and I did this sort of thing the recovery for the carer was built in to our plans.

I think he’s being an ass. Does he ever have the kids by himself for a significant length of time?

AnnieBuddyHere · 18/02/2024 14:41

I wouldn't have asked him, I would've just booked it.

But he clearly missed you so I'd probably suggest you two sorted something nice to do together.

Sauvblanctime · 18/02/2024 14:43

Why are you asking to go? Just say, I’m going to the hairdressers

FinallyHere · 18/02/2024 14:56

always fear that the answer will be no or a yes loaded with resentment

I'm afraid that I don't think this is in any way normal or acceptable, in this day and age.

If it's all just inside your head, and he never does anything to make you expect that kind of behaviour, then maybe some therapy would help you work off why you feel like this.

My suspicion is rather that he does this to control you and it's working in that you change your behaviour to placate him. I'm very sorry but that is big acceptable in my book. I'd call it abuse and would be getting my ducks in a row to get out.

Hope you get your life back quickly.

NewName24 · 18/02/2024 14:59

he following day upon my return, I was afraid of the reaction but still asked DH if I could go to the hairdresser (I need it both for my physical appearance but also to have a moment to myself)

Forget the question you asked in your title. This ^ is the bit you should read back and listen to as if it were someone else asking you the question.

BeaRF75 · 18/02/2024 15:05

Why are you asking if you can go to the hairdresser? Most people would just book it, without any discussion. Your wording suggests a very worrying dynamic, tbh.
Yes, you may need to organise childcare, but no spouse needs permission from the other to do stuff. It's completely healthy and normal to have separate activities, at least some of the time.

daliesque · 18/02/2024 15:09

You had to ask if he was ok with you going to the hairdressers? You are so not unreasonable and he is a controlling arse.

Are you sure there is a future to,your relationship?

Hoglet70 · 18/02/2024 15:11

I've never heard of anyone needing permission to get their hair cut. That's mad! If you think that's acceptable then that's up to you but I would be aghast if my DH expected me to ask.

ohdamnitjanet · 18/02/2024 15:13

SlightlyOCDMum · 18/02/2024 14:25

Afraid is probably too strong as not physically afraid, but I always fear that the answer will be no or a yes loaded with resentment

Edited

Stop asking and start telling, ignore his pathetic reaction. Next time send him on holiday and you have a week off.

Gymmum82 · 18/02/2024 15:22

He’s literally just had a full week to himself! You’ve taken your children on holiday for a week while he’s been at home, yes working, but he’s had every evening, every morning in peace. Hours of time to himself. Jeez if that was my husband he’d be telling me to go out for the full weekend while he had the kids as it was his turn! What a selfish man

Lassiata · 18/02/2024 15:24

So he got a whole kid free week and YOU'RE the asshole?
What a joker. Is he always this self-centred?

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 18/02/2024 15:27

The only question I would be asking is making sure my DH hadn’t booked something in for the same time as my appointment. It’s really concerning that you have to ask and get a no or a yes with resentment. That’s not normal or healthy behaviour.

If you were always cancelling time with your DH for other things, I could maybe understand his upset but he’s being emotionally manipulative in his reaction here.

Galeforcewindatmywindow · 18/02/2024 15:28

Op it isn't just your split ends that need to go.