… to not be able to cope with my toddler?

[Moneybum]

I am not coping well with “play with me mummy, play, play, play”.
it’s almost always imaginative play. I’m very happy to bake, paint, play dough, puzzle, but it’s not what she wants to do. I cannot CANNOT pretend to be at a farm, or whatever the thing is today anymore.
my DD toddler is 2 and I have a 5 month old DS. Doing all his night feeds as I am EBF. We cosleep so it is just whacking a boob out but I still feel tired & burned out right now, and the first thing to go is my patience for this type of play… I just can’t, but when I don’t, the whingeing is next level annoying. I then feel my temper rising and I do not want to be a shouty or distant parent.
its made worse by the fact that we have strong parental preference happening, so both DD and DD want/need mummy. I feel strongly I need to spend time with DS as he is a baby, and think I resent DD interrupting this by demanding my attention during all waking hours. Now there are 2 I get very little alone time.
we have some boundaries - no play before mummy has had coffee, for example! In the morning - but sometimes I think she rules the roost with her incessant play demands. It’s RELENTLESS. independent play seems to be a foreign concept around here.

YABU - toddler being a toddler - suck it up and put on your imaginary farm hat
YANBU - it’s shit when this is all then want to do and you are not a bad parent to not do it.

Either way - how do I cope?!! to find the patience or manage the whinges… Genuinely pretty down about this.

Does she go to nursery? Does she have any screen time? Have you tried reading her a book while you feed?

I totally get you, its hard!

My solution is to delegate to the baby (of the toddler is gentle - my big one is 4 so understands).

‘Great that you’re at a farm! Why don’t you pretend the baby is a bunny you can stroke and feed’

‘great that you’re a shop keeper! Why don’t you explain everything in your shop to the baby’.

That seems to deflect her from me a bit. But it’s still 🤯

she’s in nursery 4 mornings a week and my mum has her 4 afternoons (I pay my mum btw).
we also do 2 x 30 mins peppa pig a day so I can have a break.
its evenings and weekends I find hard. The weekend feels like an eternity

A large cardboard box is your friend. Give him some colouring pencils and ask him to make you a car / boat /plane from the box.

Or put a waterproof mat down, give him some water in a washing up bowl, a towel and some toys to bath.

Ask him to 'help' with the baby as he's a big boy now. Put nappies, cream etc within his reach and he can help change baby.

Get out as much as possible. If it's raining, put his waterproof outfit on and go and splash in puddles (baby in pushchair).

This is a good idea. She does dislike her new brother though! Lots of jealousy and “put him down”. I think this plus starting nursery has made her soooooper needy and clingy and it’s probably this I am finding hard. I do try to have some sympathy for how much her world has changed lately.

Will deffo file this idea as she gets more accustomed to him I can try more of this. She is starting to get there with him!

Sorry, her, not him.

Having something they can control sometimes helps them. Encourage her to include some teddies in her game, that way you can get on with chores and chip in with a suitable comment every so often.

No you’re absolutely not a bad mum to not do it. My tolerance for it is very very low. I have a similar age gap and I absolutely used the baby or various household tasks as a reason to cut the play short and let him learn it do it more independently.

Theres light at the end of the tunnel though I’m two years ahead of you and now they do their imaginative play together and whilst I still don’t overly enjoy joining in, it’s my favourite thing in the world to watch or listen to.

It’s hard and feels relentless, I had DC2 when DC1 was 2.5 (in bloody lockdown!) and DC3 when DC2 was 18 months, he’s 3 now and I think I’m just getting my sanity back.

We did a fair bit of messy play at this age, particularly if it was stuff I could let them do in the bath, finger bath paints, those munchkin colour bath drops, crazy soap, because then the clean up was a lot easier. Letting them play tea parties in the bath (with corn flour as sugar and a jug of water) because the clean up was much easier. We did a lot of imaginative play as nursery/school as well with me as the teacher reading to them and the baby in the bouncer sat listening as well. Having some stuff that they could play with along with the baby helped as well, like musical instrument sets and the sort of stuff you have at sensory baby classes and getting them to ‘teach’ the baby.

It does get massively easier when the younger one can play along though and they can entertain each other for a bit.

I remember those days.. would drive me mad sometimes!

Is DH around on the weekends to do some imaginative play with her? Try and break the day up by going to the park/playground, feed the ducks, library, etc. Do you have friends with a similar age to DD that you could do play dates with occasionally on a weekend?

One of the (many, many) things I didn't see coming with parenting is how much I loathe imaginative play. Christ but I hate it, and like you once I'm down on sleep I really don't have the patience.

Thankfully mine are a few years older than yours and do it together mostly now - light at the end of the tunnel!

Sounds like your partner needs to rebuild that bond with imaginative play. Lots and lots of imaginative play.

So you have four full days a week without her? I think you should be able to cope then.

It is hard when they are very little and not very independent.

That said, if she is at nursery 4 mornings and your mum's 4 afternoons a week, that's 4 full days (assuming it's in the same day) when she isn't with you. That, coupled with a new baby brother who she is jealous of (natural at that age), she is probably wanting your attention and perhaps feeling a bit pushed out.

It's tricky if you are ebf as it's going to be hard to have any time with her on her own.

When it is weekend, what sorts of things do you do? I only had one but used to try to go out as much as possible.

Can your mum maybe come to yours one of the afternoons to help out with the baby and let you have a bit of time with dd?

I have my 2 yo (and 8 mo) Friday to Sunday at home. Friday on my own.
We do unstructured play at home until 9, then we are out of the house until 11ish, lunch and nap until 2-3pm, then either a short walk to the shop or do more structured activities like painting or baking until 4-5 when we can start the evening routine.
Basically we are out of the house anytime I get tired of reading the same book or playing Playmobil! It's the only way to survive toddler years IMO! You rarely spend an entire day at home, unless the 2yo is miraculously playing on his own for the morning.

I get it’s annoying but I think this is an excessive amount of complaining if she’s out of the house for 4 days a week.

i think part of the problem is that it’s been half term week here, so no nursery, no mum and no playgroups. Plus my husband has worked most of the week, DS is “on one” in terms of upside down sleep, so it’s been a lot of the 2 of them and everyone is a bit cranky and out of routine.

we go out everyday without fail, even if raining, as I agree this helps a load and cafes are my saviour as people are quiet for a minute when eating 😂 But I find we are home by 12, and every minute from then in can feel painfully slow. DD has dropped naps.

we don’t have friends really, or play dates. I need to work on this but she’s my first and at 2 there is no obvious best friend yet to set her up with.

anyhow, I appreciate everyone’s solidarity who finds it super annoying too! And thank you for the light at the end of the tunnel messages :)

I hated this age with DD. DS was less into imaginative play but wanted constant attention in the form of board/card games, which i found slightly easier.

I find if you give in to a session and play properly for a straight 15- 20
mins (let her lead and just sort of do as she says) and really engage, it sort of buys you the right to subsequently say no a bit too. Structure it - make it clear when it will happen, e.g. after breakfast, or after nap, but then hold firm with boundaries. Have a "carousel" of activities ready to then steer her into immediately after - duplo, playdo, a brio train set etc.

Nurseries and preschools love to bang on about free play/ child's choice etc but actually most children love structure, knowing what to expect when, and struggle if constantly expected to choose how to occupy themselves with unlimited choices and no guidance. I honestly think they cling to play that requires you to join in because it provides that structure they want.

Thanks @Futb0l that is a good shout. We have a board we use to set out her day in very broad terms, but I don’t add play in - I could do this (for example, baking after lunch). I think she would respond to that as I agree with you that she might find it a bit overwhelming to work out what to do alone and just yells at me to help her.

Can your mum maybe come to yours one of the afternoons to help out with the baby and let you have a bit of time with dd?

This is a really good idea OP, I get that you feel you need to be with the baby as they need you, but they have your undivided attention for 4 full days when DD is at nursery. She’s still tiny herself and she needs time with you on her own as well, it’ll help her feel less jealous of the baby if she gets time with you without the baby. If you don’t want to express then could you feed the baby and then hand them over to your mom for a couple of hours so you get a solid chunk of time with DD?

I found this stage difficult especially as DD has always had a brilliant and very vivid imagination so we had to do it her way or she would get annoyed. You see not a bad mum. The fact you're feeling like this and asking shows that.

You are not that should say

Ohhhhh I remember this phase. It'll get easier, much easier soon, when your smaller one gets a bit more active and interactive.

In the meantime, I found I learned to multitask bfing and helping to build a trainset. That wooden trainset was a godsend because I could 'join in' just by admiring while my older one got on with driving the trains.

Also, just get yourselves out of the house as much as possible. Thankfully Spring is coming.

If possible, get your dh to take her swimming in early evenings or weekends. Always tired mine out loads and stopped the constant "play with me"!

My eldest needed LOTS of interaction and never wanted to play on her own and she only did 1.5 days at nursery and the rest at home. Younger one was a lot more independent (till he hit about 6yo and then suddenly a lot more sociable)!

It's very boring.. I used to put something on the TV I wanted to watch and then play with half an eye on the TV & some basic attention to the game. It made it slightly bearable. It does end! My 2 play together now they're older! But now I have to sort out 50 million arguments per day!

I should add that my mum looks after DD at my house, so we end up all playing together to some extent and quite often mum will hold the baby while I play with DD. So it’s not 4 full days away from her.
At weekends I prioritise my DD and my DH holds the baby pretty much the entire time, apart from feeds and naps, so I can focus on her as best I can. Same in evenings.
I try my hardest to “fill up her cup” with quality time with me but it honestly feels unfillable. I will have spent 90 minutes in great play and think I’ve earned myself a break and then… “mummy mummy mummy”. I know it’s just the job and they are just expressing themselves in the way they know how, but MY GOD they are unreasonable sometimes! 😂
I think things are compounded by the fact we are in the intense baby stages so no nights out for me / time away with friends (or if there is at least one of the kids is in tow) / quality time with DH feels non existent etc etc. I remember from DD this gets better so just hanging on for that!