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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get angry about sleep Apnoea issues

38 replies

NotMumsy89 · 18/02/2024 12:14

So I know for SURE my DH has sleep Apnoea. He falls asleep almost anywhere, he stops breathing in the night and then gasps for breath every third breath or so. It is having such a negative impact on our relationship because he is just so lazy in the day, he cant even be a passenger in a car without falling asleep. I have been nagging and nagging him to go the doctors as I think it will end up in divorce if not, He said he didnt want to make an appointment as he does not want to stop driving. I really think he should not be driving for his own and more importantly, other peoples safety. I have made him an appointment at the GP myself as I just cant take it anymore, AIBU

OP posts:
Tahinii · 18/02/2024 12:15

He may not be stopped driving, he may just be on a medical licence. He’s an idiot!

Original poster
NotMumsy89 · 18/02/2024 12:18

I am getting so frustrated with him I really am! I cant take it anymore. Yesterday we went for a 20 min drive and he was stuffing his face with sugar to stay awake, I just asked him to pull into the services and we swapped. I wont let him take the kids anywhere in the car either. I need him to stop driving, even for just a few weeks until he has it under control. I have ordered him a mouth guard from Amazon to see if it helps but I honestly dont think he cares what this is doing to us all!

OP posts:
Original poster
NotMumsy89 · 18/02/2024 12:20

He has gained so much weight, probably because he drinks copious amounts of energy drinks and sugary sweets when he is driving, I have honestly had enough. I hope he gets this sorted at the appointment as it has had such a negative impact on our relationship for so long, being too tired to wake up in the night when the kids were newborn etc, its just bloody awful

OP posts:
Shopper727 · 18/02/2024 12:21

If he’s not sleeping at night and has apnoea he will be knackered in the day, he’s not getting restful sleep that will keep him healthy, sleep apnoea increases risk for stroke and many other things so ignoring it is dangerous for his health. He’s probably feeling pretty crap I woke up with terrible headaches and just felt awful all day. Thankfully I lost weight and it has resolved itself prior to needing treatment. Why is your husband sticking his head in the sand?

Universalsnail · 18/02/2024 12:21

Yeah this would really piss me off too. He may not even be stopped from driving

Original poster
NotMumsy89 · 18/02/2024 12:22

Shopper727 · 18/02/2024 12:21

If he’s not sleeping at night and has apnoea he will be knackered in the day, he’s not getting restful sleep that will keep him healthy, sleep apnoea increases risk for stroke and many other things so ignoring it is dangerous for his health. He’s probably feeling pretty crap I woke up with terrible headaches and just felt awful all day. Thankfully I lost weight and it has resolved itself prior to needing treatment. Why is your husband sticking his head in the sand?

He just eats more shit which obviously is not helping! why should I do all the looking into it, making appointments and ordering mouth guards if he does not want to do anything about it!

OP posts:
CJ4713 · 18/02/2024 12:23

OP- this was me 4yrs ago. I wore ear plugs for years and was so worried he just wouldn't wake up.
I made an appointment at his GP for him and offered to go along. Long story short, he was sent equipment to sleep at home, so never needed to go to an actual sleep lab. He was waking up multiple times a minute and had very severe sleep apnoea.

Once he go got the machine, he slept so much better and had the energy to exercise and lost 10kg. Best thing ever.
The machine is absolutely silent!

tamade · 18/02/2024 12:24

Maybe he’s a bit scared of going to the doctor, and it becoming “real”. I know you are frustrated but if you want to get results you need to get in his head and work out what will get him to go, rather than just telling him what an idiot he is.
Try painting a picture of how much better he will feel once it’s sorted, how much fitter and virile he will be…..

I’m sure you come across better IRL

Whenisitwineoclocktime · 18/02/2024 12:25

If sleep apnoea is successfully treated he can safely drive. Have a look at the Epworth Sleepiness Scale, it may be worth completing this and taking to his GP. I hope it gets sorted for both of you x

Original poster
NotMumsy89 · 18/02/2024 12:26

tamade · 18/02/2024 12:24

Maybe he’s a bit scared of going to the doctor, and it becoming “real”. I know you are frustrated but if you want to get results you need to get in his head and work out what will get him to go, rather than just telling him what an idiot he is.
Try painting a picture of how much better he will feel once it’s sorted, how much fitter and virile he will be…..

I’m sure you come across better IRL

Yes I have tried to explain to him that going to the Dr and getting help with massively benefit his life.

OP posts:
orangeleopard · 18/02/2024 12:26

I’m not really educated on sleep apnea, I just know my mum has had it for many years and uses a mask of a night. For reference, it doesn’t nor has affected her driving. Please push for him to get checked out as it is so dangerous for him to continue going undiagnosed as he could stop breathing during sleep!

Original poster
NotMumsy89 · 18/02/2024 12:27

CJ4713 · 18/02/2024 12:23

OP- this was me 4yrs ago. I wore ear plugs for years and was so worried he just wouldn't wake up.
I made an appointment at his GP for him and offered to go along. Long story short, he was sent equipment to sleep at home, so never needed to go to an actual sleep lab. He was waking up multiple times a minute and had very severe sleep apnoea.

Once he go got the machine, he slept so much better and had the energy to exercise and lost 10kg. Best thing ever.
The machine is absolutely silent!

Was he a different person after? I am really starting to dislike how lazy and sluggish my DH has become but I keep telling myself it is ok as it can be fixed.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 18/02/2024 12:32

My partner has just got his cpap machine, it is bliss. He had a heart attack and is on a lot of meds, but since being on the cpap machine he has come off two. You can drive once your SA is under control. From diagnosis to getting a machine is quite quick, so it's a matter of not driving for weeks. Your DH is now driving illegally because he knows he has a medical issue. You are protecting your children but not other people's. Personally I'd tell him that I'm going to report him. SA has an effect on health and the heart.

Original poster
NotMumsy89 · 18/02/2024 12:34

I will tell him I am going to report him. I cant physically stop him but I would never ever forgive him if anybody else got hurt because of his ignorance!

OP posts:
TraitorsGate · 18/02/2024 12:38

Maybe it's narcolepsy, diabetes, sleep apnoea, it's good he has a dr appointment but no he shouldn't be driving.,

Original poster
NotMumsy89 · 18/02/2024 12:43

He also cannot get up in the morning, the kids dont even bother asking him as it takes his 60,000 years! Sorry but I have had enough

OP posts:
CJ4713 · 18/02/2024 12:43

Was he a different person after?

Previously, he would sleep on the sofa several times a day. We rarely went out in the evening or to peoples homes, because he'd fall asleep at their dining table! He used to open the car window to keep awake, but mainly slept if a passenger in the car. I found him asleep on the toilet one time!
Since getting the machine, DH has more energy and wanted to get fitter. His motivation is to not have to use the machine forever.

DH saw a respiratory specialist (although this was during covid, so mostly it was via calls). He was asked questions such as if he was a car passenger would he fall asleep, if he was driving does he open the window to keep awake etc. I would never condone lying, but I know my DH downplayed being tired when driving- for fear of it affecting his license.

Since getting the machine though, he no longer keeps the window open and I don't fear he will die in the night, or driving.

Original poster
NotMumsy89 · 18/02/2024 12:44

My DH manages a full night out no problem!

OP posts:
Purplebunnie · 18/02/2024 12:46

He can die from sleep apnoea

coatonthewashingline · 18/02/2024 12:46

A dear dear friend was killed by a lorry driver w untreated sleep apnoea. As you can imagine, this devastated the lives of many people. I’m so glad you are going to report your husband - thank you.

msbevvy · 18/02/2024 12:47

Under the revised guidance from the DVLA he shouldn't be driving if he has suspected Sleep Apnea and excessive daytime sleepiness. The sooner he goes to the doctor, the sooner he can get it under control and be allowed to drive.

Feb123 · 18/02/2024 12:49

I finally got myself to my doctor for this. I’m waiting for a referral to sleep clinic.
gP told me no driving. I don’t have a car so not an issue.
im praying for a help in this because im tired all the time. Still in bed now

Porfirio · 18/02/2024 12:52

Why does he want to live his life as an overweight slob?

If he loses weight and becomes healthy then the sleep apnea will most likely go away.

I couldn't be married to a Snorlax and you also have the choice to give him an ultimatum or leave.

PrueRamsay · 18/02/2024 12:55

Honestly this is ridiculous and he is behaving appallingly

Tell him he goes to the doctor and gets it all sorted or you will report him to DVLA. If he’s still not getting help then I would probably leave as this situation would do my head in.