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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To get angry about sleep Apnoea issues

38 replies

NotMumsy89 · 18/02/2024 12:14

So I know for SURE my DH has sleep Apnoea. He falls asleep almost anywhere, he stops breathing in the night and then gasps for breath every third breath or so. It is having such a negative impact on our relationship because he is just so lazy in the day, he cant even be a passenger in a car without falling asleep. I have been nagging and nagging him to go the doctors as I think it will end up in divorce if not, He said he didnt want to make an appointment as he does not want to stop driving. I really think he should not be driving for his own and more importantly, other peoples safety. I have made him an appointment at the GP myself as I just cant take it anymore, AIBU

OP posts:
CJ4713 · 18/02/2024 12:55

I keep thinking of additional things! I wrongly assumed DH would wake from the 1st night with the machine, and feel 100% refreshed. He struggled with the mask in the early days and it was a few weeks before he started feeling much better.
His goes over the mouth and nose, and he asked for a humidified one. He no longer wakes up with a dry mouth.

Appleofmyeye2023 · 18/02/2024 12:58

Tahinii · 18/02/2024 12:15

He may not be stopped driving, he may just be on a medical licence. He’s an idiot!

He will be stopped from driving (liscence has to be handed in so to speak) until he has

  1. been fitted and instructed in use of CPAP machine
  2. hes shown form the results of the CPAP he is having less incidences and sleeping for 6 hours

the consultant team can then write a medical update to give to DVLA . He can then reapply.

in my husbands case that took around 4 months of not driving, but dvla and CPAP fitting were pretty swift. And he was compliant with CPAP

MereDintofPandiculation · 18/02/2024 12:59

orangeleopard · 18/02/2024 12:26

I’m not really educated on sleep apnea, I just know my mum has had it for many years and uses a mask of a night. For reference, it doesn’t nor has affected her driving. Please push for him to get checked out as it is so dangerous for him to continue going undiagnosed as he could stop breathing during sleep!

It's likely to affect this guy's driving because OP describes him eating to try to stay awake while at the wheel.

My memory is sleep apnoea is acceptable to DVLA only if you have never fallen asleep at the wheel.

NotMumsy89 · 18/02/2024 13:03

I honestly do not know how I have put up with this for 6 years (only really noticed it when first child was born as I needed him). I am so sick of looking at his red eyes and big gut. Im a horrible person

OP posts:
RiceRiceMaybe · 18/02/2024 13:04

Appleofmyeye2023 · 18/02/2024 12:58

He will be stopped from driving (liscence has to be handed in so to speak) until he has

  1. been fitted and instructed in use of CPAP machine
  2. hes shown form the results of the CPAP he is having less incidences and sleeping for 6 hours

the consultant team can then write a medical update to give to DVLA . He can then reapply.

in my husbands case that took around 4 months of not driving, but dvla and CPAP fitting were pretty swift. And he was compliant with CPAP

DH wasn’t stopped from driving.
He did have the CPAP machine pretty quickly and, as they can monitor remotely how long it is worn each night, they have said that if he doesn’t wear it regularly he may be stopped from driving because he does stop breathing so much.

Appleofmyeye2023 · 18/02/2024 13:10

Op, depending on severity, you need to inform the police or DVLA . He is an accident waiting to happen

if his reason for not seeing GP is down to driving, you can take that control away from him by reporting. Or threatening to. It’s no different than you knowingly not reporting him driving where drunk or drugged.

i only found out after my ex was on CPAP, that he’d once fallen asleep in a traffic queue and another driver had ordered him to park up and stop driving. He could have killed someone. Most of time I wouldn’t let him drive on his own. In his case he was ok with going to GP, but he had severe and enduring mental health problems and the Gp was saying it was caused by antipsychotics and refused to send him for sleep test. Took 4 years of me pleading for him to have a simple overnight test. He had severe sleep apnea as I had been saying for years

you also need to point out the numerous risks to his health- heart attack, high blood pressure, depression, and in longer term dementia

youhave my utmost sympathy, having a partner falling asleep in every conversation, getting lazier, doing same thing over and over cos they fall asleep wake up and forget what they’ve done, and in worse case watch them at the dining table behave like a tired baby with food dripping form their mouths becuase they fall asleep when eating. My exh once face planted his Sunday lunch I’d taken ages to prepare.

The good news is, that once on CPAP my ex “woke up” and became a different man ! He was back to his old chatty self, and was back driving in no time at all. Yep, it was a short term inconvenience whilst his license was withdrawn temporarily, but very easy to get back becuase he’d volunteered the information and the liscence. My understanding if you don’t volunteer to give it up temporarily as soon as you have referral , dvla are less easily to give it back when asked.

Appleofmyeye2023 · 18/02/2024 13:16

MereDintofPandiculation · 18/02/2024 12:59

It's likely to affect this guy's driving because OP describes him eating to try to stay awake while at the wheel.

My memory is sleep apnoea is acceptable to DVLA only if you have never fallen asleep at the wheel.

No this isn’t correct. That’d be a case to forward to police for prosecution for dangerous driving😱.

it is dependant on the level of condition determined at point of testing. For mild sleep apnea generally . But it is still strongly advised that people need to notify dvla but are ok to drive if they’re being treated.
for severe sleep apnea you have to give up liscence until you can show you are back in control using CPAP etc. needs consultation group to write to dvla.

I think it’s rare nowadays for people not to eventually get liscence back if they comply with treatment.

and as I said earlier, it is way better for you to notify DVLA as SOON as your Gp refers you to sleep clinic /test . DVLA usually will act quicker to give it back if you’ve shown you’ve taken it very seriously in not driving when in doubt.

NotGoingToLie · 18/02/2024 13:18

Been there and done that with my husband. It was awful. I feel your pain. He was moody, tired and generaIly miserable. I pretty much gave him an ultimatum. He’s been using a machine now for about ten years. Transformative. Hope it all gets sorted.

Appleofmyeye2023 · 18/02/2024 13:22

NotMumsy89 · 18/02/2024 12:27

Was he a different person after? I am really starting to dislike how lazy and sluggish my DH has become but I keep telling myself it is ok as it can be fixed.

About 3 weeks after my ex started using CPAP , we were driving to supermarket as we did each week (I was driving). I had to pull over and tell him very gently and kindly to shut up!🤦‍♀️🤣🤣🤣. I was soooo used to driving with an inert, unconscious person beside me I couldn’t concentrate on driving with his incessant chatter and a degree of sudden onset backseat driving 🤷🏼‍♀️

the effect t is startling. As I said in earlier email, he had a severe and enduring mental health condition, and his sleepiness had been put down to that for years despite me arguing against it. His psychiatrist had also diagnosed him with depressive symptoms. Vanished completely when put onto CPAP. He lost weight, exercised more.

the sting in the tail for us was that he was so much better, that he thought he didn’t have mental illness at all. He stopped his antipsychotics- refused to take them. Hence now ex. I wasn’t expecting that and it wasn’t the outcome I had dreamed of. But it tells you how big a difference it made.

Appleofmyeye2023 · 18/02/2024 13:25

RiceRiceMaybe · 18/02/2024 13:04

DH wasn’t stopped from driving.
He did have the CPAP machine pretty quickly and, as they can monitor remotely how long it is worn each night, they have said that if he doesn’t wear it regularly he may be stopped from driving because he does stop breathing so much.

See my later post- depends on how severe it is!

CoffeeWithCheese · 18/02/2024 13:25

Appleofmyeye2023 · 18/02/2024 12:58

He will be stopped from driving (liscence has to be handed in so to speak) until he has

  1. been fitted and instructed in use of CPAP machine
  2. hes shown form the results of the CPAP he is having less incidences and sleeping for 6 hours

the consultant team can then write a medical update to give to DVLA . He can then reapply.

in my husbands case that took around 4 months of not driving, but dvla and CPAP fitting were pretty swift. And he was compliant with CPAP

Wasn't the case with DH - his machine has a mobile SIM card in it and reports back with any incidents detected and compliance - so he was never stopped from driving. If he ever stops using it - then they'll report him. This was during the Covid lockdowns so relatively recently.

As for the change in DH - it was literally like I got the man I married back. Him falling asleep constantly and me having to do all the parenting (it was mid-lockdown and he literally fell asleep home-schooling the kids multiple times) was about to break me. I'll warn you it took a couple of GP visits until we got a one prepared to listen to us and not just go on the "lose weight" speech... but once he was fitted for his machine, three stone fell off him (wish it bloody would me) and his energy came back incredibly quickly.

I took video clips of him stopping breathing and doing the whole pneumatic drill splutter, leg flailing and generally resembling a Pokemon Magicarp routine to show the GP, plus they did ask me the amount of times it seemed to happen and how long it took before he did the splutter-flail-resume breathing routine as well - so I went to the appointment with him. I'm not sure the response that "when I start to worry I prod him back into action" was the acceptable one!

Sleep study was done at home as well- he had to go into the local hospital, pick up the kit and then wear it overnight - it dialled in with the results to the hospital and then he had to go back in for the fitting of the mask and collection of the machine. He was stopping breathing something bonkers like 100 times an hour at points.

magicmole · 18/02/2024 13:49

As PP have said, having OSA doesn't necessarily mean he won't be able to drive. My partner was put on a CPAP machine over a decade ago and has had zero issues with his licence because the apnoea is well controlled. The sleep clinic gets data that shows he's getting at least 7 hours of decent sleep a night (which is more than perimenopausal me).

When he was first diagnosed he was half waking several times A MINUTE because he'd stopped breathing and wasn't getting any oxygen. The difference in him once he got the CPAP machine was like night and day. And getting referred to a sleep clinic for testing doesn't take long at all.

Surely OP's husband realises that if he has an accident when he knows he may have apnoea it could likely invalidate his insurance? And I wish him luck explaining to the police that he avoided getting treatment because he didn't want to stop driving.

OP you're definitely NBU.

NotMumsy89 · 20/02/2024 09:02

I ordered him an expensive mouthguard and it came yesterday and he didn't even use it!

OP posts:
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