To offload about my mother before I explode

[Gollygumdropz]

explode in sheer frustration at her.

im not even after advice, but a vent. I’ve posted about her before and her money management under another username (can’t remember which)

but this week we’ve had COUNTLESS, ‘i don’t know why you’re struggling, you’re dad and I (insert anything) went on 4 holidays abroad a year, kept 2 cars on the road, went to florida twice a year when your were a kid. At no point have I exclaimed I am struggling, rather that no, I can’t afford a Disney cruise and a holiday abroad, and a Disneyland Paris and a UK break all in one year, no I can’t get a brand new pcp merc, I can’t afford it, I can’t afford the Caribbean for my summer hols, Turkey will do just fine.

then an utter melt down about having no money when net she has 3k coming in a month (pensions, widow pensions and her own salary). No mortgage, single occupancy council tax

now my personal fave (sarcy) this week is ‘you’re cheating me out of 40k. She owns a second property that’s derelict that the council are onto her about, she asked me to find some investors/ developers locally to take it off her hands quickly (I did through the council). She doesn’t want to do it up just it gone. They want to view the property, she won’t let them, says it’s sold as seen in photos (literally not how the world works) and that she wants 100k because my brother told her to not settle for less. But 100k is what the houses go for in very good condition, this is run down x10.

ahhhh

and breathe

Get your brother to sell the house seeing as he knows so much about it.

I think a little bit of distance might help you...

Jesus Christ.
I agree your brother should take on this shit since he's got such an opinion on it and she actually listens to him.

This!
Distance yourself, she sounds horrible!

He couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery. He’s been ‘helping’ (sarcastic airquotes) for the last 5 years and now the council have stepped in or they’ll get a demolition order. Stepped in hoping she’d renovate as it’s such a waste and could provide her with rental income as she’s struggling so much apparently. Enter threats to top herself

Sympathy, my mother is like this. I now do not discuss anything financial. She worked part time for years and had a lovely life off the back of my dad’s good job, she has no clue as to the real world, money wise. And then melts down when you won’t take her ‘advice’.

Gollygumdropz · Today 19:21

He couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery. He’s been ‘helping’ (sarcastic airquotes) for the last 5 years and now the council have stepped in or they’ll get a demolition order. Stepped in hoping she’d renovate as it’s such a waste and could provide her with rental income as she’s struggling so much apparently. Enter threats to top herself

I think you should leave the two of them to it. If it gets demolished too bad. Why should you take the grief for it? Let her make her threats. That's pathetic.

That is my mother! Was self employed (undeclared income) and was moaning how she didn’t have funded childcare for me and my sibling, yes mother because in the eyes of the state you didn’t work, and yet she benefit bashes and then moans at me why I’m not rolling it, because I actually paid childcare

I'm sure you mentioned to her is that if they are threatening demolition its not worth 100k nor would any investor buy it without a viewing.

No wonder you needed a rant! I have (probably) never met your mum but I would like to give her a good talking to! £3k per month is plenty of money.

I had a relative who fully embraced the Daily Mail as a tract to live by and openly scorned me for claiming benefits to top up my income as a single parent.

She never worked a day in her life but had a comfortable existence with her very well-remunerated husband who got a large golden handshake and a final salary private pension. Such schemes are no longer even available to most workers now.

She got her state pension at 60, lived to 90 and somehow imagined that she'd earned it and taxpayers were privileged to support her for 30 years, whilst ds and I only deserved the workhouse.

that’s where the your robbing me of £40k came from. I mean for Christ sake there was a tree growing from the kitchen sink apparently

Sadly you need to distance yourself and just let the obvious happen. It's really her problem. Let her carry on deluding herself. Maybe she needs a dose of reality, don't enable her delusions by making this your problem. You tried to help, she doesn't want to know. Let her get on with it.

p.s. people who use threats to top themselves are usually the last to actually do it. Don't be blackmailed.

F

Oh, I feel your pain. MIL worked for a total of one year. One, and then she gave up work to be supported by FIL, and this was before they even had kids.

She gets confused about why we're living in an overcrowded council flat and can't just buy a large countryside property like they did in the seventies, on FIL's salary (he did have a good job to be fair).

We're now nc... not for that reason, but it didn't help.

This sounds like my ex MIL. Deeply frustrating and annoying. Also she looked down on everyone despite having not worked for 30+ years. Looked down on me being a nurse despite her having no skills or qualifications

I do find the older generation under estimate how much life costs now. I mean look at the prices of houses. You used to be able to get a mortgage for a family a four with the mother being a SAHM and now you would struggle with both parents working.

Some parents especially mothers never stop relying on their children. But at some point you're better of saying look this is what I can do if you're not happy then you're more than welcome to do it yourself take it or leave it. Firm and fair. She isn't struggling. My in laws are exact same no mortgages or rent and we are trying to cope with huge rent plus everything else and they keep badgering us about why we can't pay to go on holiday with them (6 foreign holidays so far this year). My solution is my money isn't your business so every time they ask a money question, I ask them one back which they don't like because they don't disclose their own finances. Don't answer the questions immediately turn the subject on her and ask her one back (have a few lined up - how did you afford XYZ, how much was that etc) eventually she won't want to bring up finances because she will realise it's going to be turned back on her.

Oh I have turned it back on her, and her response honestly isn’t makes my blood boil… it’s ‘well we worked Golly, and we made sacrifices, it’s what being a parent is about’.

she has a habit of rounding down her earnings too, so she’ll say I only earn 1k a month but it’s actually 1.1/2. Nor does she understand inflation and that 50k a year now, yes it’s a nice salary but it’s not nearly as much as it was back thrn

yes but 2 weeks in Disney cost 1k then (about 2.5/3k by todays money) 2 weeks in Disney is about 6.5k now, no dining plan nothing. Not the same is it mum? DFs 50k a year job isn’t 50k by todays standards it’s about 80k and her 2k a week would be like double today

Well then I would flat out shut her down. My finances are not your business don't ask me about them again! If she keeps talking walk away or hang up phone.

She’s contradicting herself though. ’well we worked Golly, and we made sacrifices, it’s what being a parent is about’. yet she’s having a go at you for not being able to afford Disneyland Paris, and not being able to afford four holidays a year, surely that’s your sacrifice? Why is she allowed to make sacrifices but you’re not? (Unless I’ve got the wrong end of the stick).

You don't have to do any of this. If she annoys you so much just cut it down to a 20 minute phone call once a fortnight to stay in touch, if you don't want to go NC. You don't need to be so wrapped up in her life. Most adults aren't so enmeshed with their parents. It's up to you, not anyone else. You are the one in control.

I think the implication was that I’m depriving my kids by not making the sacrifices in other areas of my life rather than an appreciation that it’s actually the cost + annual leave restrictions stopping me

I think you need some cheeky grey rock retorts

"Bless you Mum, you never did understand inflation and economics did you"

"Bless you Mum, you are so out of touch with how childcare regulations have changed things"

"Bless you Mum you don't understand house values do you"

All as you walk off/say a cheery nye and hang the phone up

I feel your pain op. My mother was always on about housing and my choices. She never in her life paid a penny on rent or mortgage. My granddad built her a house for her wedding present. As you do. She didn't work either. Not ever.
When she died I had to go through her finances and boy did she have a lot of money going in every month. Pension, dla, other benefits I didn't even know existed. Her monthly income was about what a salary of 60k would provide! I was amazed.
My colleague has elderly parents, same generation, her mum had a bag with 10k in it to pay for a new boiler! No wonder the older folk vote Tory! Triple lock.

Another retort is find out what your Dad earned when they bought his/their first home.

"Bless you Mum have you forgotten when Dad bought X for £Y he only earned £A. You don't seem to understand that house would cost £C now, so you'd have to earn £D. You're so stuck in the past"

I've had colleagues when they are in their 40 moaning about young adults not going without to buy a property is they are so ignorant about house inflation V wage stagnation.

I think it’s unfair to just say the older generation don’t understand. Some of them don’t understand because as with every generation some of them are a bit thick. My MIL is 82 and one of my mates who is like a replacement Dad is 75 and very much aware of how hard things are. They are both however intelligent and interested people that do not have small minds.