To think he’s emotionally abusing our child?

[WomanInBlack78]

In a nutshell, my ex and father of our DD (6) was abusive to me (hence being my ex) and now he’s doing it to our daughter.

Some examples are getting explosively angry at her for doing something like not putting her coat on (for a 2 min transfer from car) and then punishing her by not waiting for her, saying “I only wait for good girls”. He often shouts at her over tiny things, and says things like “I’ve had enough of you” and walks off on her. He won’t let her cry, saying crying is for babies and he’ll let her do something (like jumping all over him) one day, then crack and shout at her the next time she does it. I’ve seen all this for myself and she now also tells me about it. Which he hates her doing and tells her not to run to mummy with “tales”.

He’s big into control (I have another post in relationships about the broader situation) and seems to get off on making us both scared of him. Last time DD came home (actually, he just arrived at my place with her unexpectedly and left her while he huffed off without an explanation), she was in tears and ran upstairs to hide from having to go back to daddy’s house. When things go wrong between them like that, he then starts sending me abusive messages blaming MY parenting!

I’m not perfect but I do manage to mostly stay calm and guide DD, we have lots of love and fun but there’s boundaries. He seems to think I’m totally permissive because I don’t shout!

Thing is, she’s generally a happy, clever, creative child, perfectly behaved ant school and I’m often complimented by strangers on how she is while travelling etc. She has no obvious behaviour issues but I have noticed she is increasingly disregulated, kind of manic highs and easily brought to tears, which I’m worried about.

I don’t know ANY parents who behave like him! Is it simply different parenting styles? I pull him up on the damage I think he’s doing and he goes ballistic. He’s got issues but refuses help as according to him “he’s a great guy” and I’m somehow the issue.

Help!

He's an abuser. We stopped contact over similar behaviour. My GC, who is now nine just meets him for food and does thr odd day out. You've got to stop contact to protect her.

Stop the contact. If he takes you to court, make sure you’ve got everything written down regarding what happened on each visit.

I've just read your relationship thread. Contact the agencies that were advised. Ultimately you might just have to go it alone, find new accommodation and wait until your child is an age were you can work again.

He’s abusing your daughter! Simple you need to get to court before she ends up in therapy because of it! I cannot stand it when one day people are fine with something the next thing it’s a huge issue?!!! Typical narcissistic prick behaviour. First step report him to social services before dd brings it up in school and they refer for you! Getting in there first would be very beneficial for you op…..

Thank you all. I am so scared of making the situation even worse for her by trying to cut contact (I don’t know how to even do this… court I guess), as he will go ballistic and probably get worse. He already comments that I message him with an eye to setting him up if things get legal. And calls me “Meghan” as in Markle - who he despises - insinuating I’m a fake troublemaker

Also, he’s absolutely a narcissist abuser which also means he has a “great dad” act in front of his family and quite often, DD and him DO have a good time… he has her every weekend (which isn’t fair) and is able to go do all the fun stuff with her. It’s all OK until it’s not, OYSWIM.

But I’m sick to my stomach now sending her off not knowing what’s happening.

As advised social services you could actually fabricate that she has infact mentioned it at school instead of you reporting! For the time being the only down side is he MAY find out it was yourself at the end of the assessment, however given the circumstances ss may be able to protect you by not advising how exactly the referral occurred.

This. My GC have a similar situation, but it's the mother who is the "abusive and controlling" one (they live with their dad)

It’s not a parenting style, it’s abuse. He’s showing extreme cruelty to your dd.
And the nice dad one day, shouty dad the next is extremely damaging. Your dd will grow up not knowing how to judge people’s behaviour, who she can trust etc…

You need advice from a solicitor on stopping contact.

Yes hes abusive..one of those that is devoid of all responsibility..he could shoot someone point blank and somehow its that persons fault for getting infront of a bullet ugh.

You can't reason with those types, they don't ever get better it just escalates. I would stop contact, write up all examples, gather any proof and hopefully if your child ever vocalises it aswell to a professional will help x

@BounceHighBaby was waiting for this. Mum shaming/guilting and being reductive isn’t helpful. It’s complex and I’m in a precarious situation that I’m keen not to make worse for my child. I do everything I can to keep her safe and she’d be emotionally harmed in another way if I act rashly without knowing my rights, and I’m also terrified of him trying to take her from me. So unless you can offer actual help, don’t try to make me feel worse

@Babsexxx thank you for the advice. But if DD does bring it up at school (pretty sure she won’t) she’d say it was him so how would they investigate me?

I did wonder if it was appropriate to talk to school about it myself…

I have had to call adult SS before re something he did to me, and they immediately referred to child SS. He’d held her against her will trying to force her to hug him, and she was screaming for me… I took her away from him and told him it was abuse, and he went mental at me. Child SS didn’t see a problem with his behaviour and I also stupidly said I didn’t think she was in physical danger from him, and they didn’t investigate further. I then moved counties so fell off the adult SS register (referred by my GP who I phoned out of desperation)

I think I will call the local domestic abuse charity tomorrow

If this continues he'll wreck her life and destroy her self esteem. My father did this to me and I've had complex PTSD, hallucinations and have been hearing voices for 50 years.
No abuser should have any access to children, ever.

Physical danger is the very least of her problems, I should know that. I'd rather have received punches than emotional abuse any day. I got both.
I am astonished SS cannot see this.

Write down all that you can remember from memory about what’s happened and when (his abusive messages will help to build a timeline and are evidence in themselves. Include how your daughter reacts at each incident.

I’m not sure if you said the contact is court ordered but either way, please stop the contact. He would then have to take you back to court, it’s hard to say if he would or not- you obviously know him best- but with evidence hopefully he won’t get very far.

Informing the school might help- they might be able to help build a picture of how your daughter is on the Monday after contact or when contact is approaching. The safeguard lead might report to SS themselves or at least reach out for advice.

Your poor daughter and poor you.

1. She is six years old. From your account, she is being punished for being six years old.
2. She is a girl and we behave differently to boys. And that’s an ok thing to be and to do. From your account she is being punished for being a girl. I have had words with my own very nice husband about this.

But, sorry, I have no advice. Himself seems to like dominance but I don’t know how you fight it it your situation.

You sound like a lovely Mum and you're in a pretty impossible situation. But you do need to "man up" and get in charge of this situation. Seems you are your daughter's only hope. You need to stop contact. Or at least limit it to days out, no overnights, limited time spent at his house or alone with her. He'll probably be a great Disney Dad and have fun in public, at the park etc whilst other people can see how he's behaving. Don't ask me how I know this. Also, don't be in a rush to hurry to court if you haven't already got a court order. Once you have a court order you are obliged to stick to the terms of it. I couldn't think of anything worse than having to force my child to go with Dad when they were so upset and frightened. Keep all contact with him written (emails? Texts?) and matter of fact. And do contact social services, they should help you. Your daughter is only 6 and you can already see the harm he is doing. It won't be long before you have an anxious teen on your hands and you and her need to get tight on working as a team right now. You know exactly what she's scared of because you've been there. This won't improve if he stays in the picture.

Is there any way you can access therapy for your daughter? To give her the tools to learn how to deal with a narcissistic father? If she’s going to continue seeing him she needs to learn his behaviours are not her fault so they have the least possible effect on her self esteem.
I have a pen pal in USA who split with an emotional abuser many years ago. He presented himself very differently in public and the courts mandated both girls were to continue with regular contact with him. All she could do was get them into therapy and reinforce what the therapist told them, they were about 7 and 9 when this started. By the ages of about 10 and 12 they were able to totally separate his behaviour to them with their own self worth and tell him some home truths about himself! They are really emotionally mature teens now, only one still has contact with him, the other decided for herself a couple of years ago seeing him was not beneficial to her and even told him her decision herself!
Good luck OP, it’s a hard place to be in.

Just read your other thread. It's classic abuse and Women's Aid should be your first call. They can refer your daughter for group therapy as PP above suggested; to help her understand that his behavior is about him, not about her. If you can get some legal advice (some domestic abuse charities will be able to help you with this) I would start with a financial order/child maintenance. And try to get out of his property ASAP. It's really not fair that he lets himself into your home. Citizens Advice and Women's Aid can help you with this. You can do this. If you are unable to work are you claiming benefits/child benefit? I know you said you have some savings but your first priority to reclaim your sense of self has to be getting out of his house. But do get help from a domestic abuse charity. You have alluded that he has been violent with you in the past? And even if he hasn't, these things can escalate very quickly. You and your daughter are in danger. Please get help.

@LovedmyRaleighChopper this is my worry. He has his friends, who parent very differently and gently, fooled and they’ve apparently said it’s a shame “I’ve trained her to run to me” with grievances about him!

He loves looking like the doting dad and actually is sometimes, it’s obviously the inconsistency that’s damaging as well. I have no doubt he’d do his best to fool the courts (if it got to that) but I’ve really got loads of evidence against him (messages and some recordings)

I do my level best to explain to her his behaviour is nothing to do with her, it’s all about him, and she does understand and is brave enough to call him out to his face as a naughty boy etc. I hadn’t thought of counselling but I’ll look into it. Thank you

Thing s op she hasn’t bought it up YET?! That’s all literally yet! SS aren’t assholes they will assess the entire situation which when it comes to court will look very good on you even in the long run! You need to seriously consider her here and sometimes there are horrible stepping stones to get there but what’s honestly worse?! I’d rather someone backing me with evidence.

@Proseccoh thank you, appreciate your sage advice and reading my other thread. I need to see it in black and white like this. He’s literally brainwashed me into believing I'm powerless. I’m so scared he’ll take her somehow though, as he’s threatened. And like a PP said, it would be truly awful having to follow a court order and make my DD go to him (although he already tries to do that himself). She does love him most of the time and I don’t want to be blamed for denying her a father also. But I know this is teaching her a crazy skewed version of “love” and I really do not want that.

Am going to start with our local women’s aid and citizens advice tomorrow. I need to take a action asap

Is there a reason he has your daughter every weekend? Who has decided this ?

@espressyourself it’s been since September as we live in different places (2hrs drive) and he works full time during the week. He rents a flat nearby me where I live so has DD there on Fri and Sat nights. Was initially OK for me so I could do some freelance work and study, but course has now finished so it needs to change as isn’t fair. I can’t see him agreeing to every 2nd weekend though but think that’s what I’ll suggest. He actually says he wants 50/50 eventually!! But can’t now due to work and may just be another bullying tactic.

Your daughter is 6 so at school locally to you

Is he proposing to move back to your area so he can enable 50/50? - because 50/50 will not work if he lives 2 hrs away so ignore that
Stop the every weekend with him, make it every other weekend and if he doesn't like it then let him go to court and argue why he should get all the fun/leisure time while you do all the necessary things like school runs etc
Really you need a solicitor advising you to help you to manage this guy and stop him walking all over you because you are frightened of upsetting him! You're letting him dictate to you which is wrong