If you grew up with au pairs, did you like it?

[PlanningWayTooFarAhead]

Hi all,

To cut a long story short, DH and I are considering an au pair for the "two set of nursery fee" years. Logistically, it would be manageable. I am also from a different European country and (potentially) having someone else in the house who speaks my language could be quite nice.

My gut feeling is that some kids would do fairly well with au pairs but others might not. We don't really know anyone who grew up that way (or who even uses au pairs now), so I just wondered how you felt about it if your parents hired au pairs to look after you as a child?

I'd prefer nursery for both but for a year or two it would be quite a hefty bill, so just considering our options for the future, especially because we are likely to move in the next two years (i.e. should we plan an extra room etc.)

Don't think I can remove the poll, so might as well make it make sense:
YANBU = I loved having au pairs as a child, get one
YABU = I hated having au pairs as a child, don't get one

I was too young to remember them but my mum definitely appreciated ours!

Ah pairs aren’t for looking after children, they are just for a bit of extra help around the house.

we had au pairs. They were like big sisters. It was fine.

I grew up with au pairs but I only remember them very vaguely. But they weren't instead of nursery, they were on top of, doing pick ups and drop offs and such.

Yeah we did. I’m the eldest so was between 10 and 14 my brother would have been 6-10. I LOVED them. It was like having the coolest older sisters (not at the same time). We would hang out, cook together, play silly games it was just brilliant. Whether they were much good I don’t know I’d have to ask my dad but as a child it was brilliant. They came on holiday, we visited their families in Hungary and I still love Hungary due to that - it was such a good experience but in part that’s down to my parents making them part of the family, treating them like a daughter or at least a niece.
I’ve never needed or been able to afford or have the space for an au pair but I absolutely would have had one for mine if I’d been able to.

But yeah as a pp said, they were help, we didn’t have them until my brother was school age.

I think you are looking more for a proper nanny.

I thought an au pair could only do a few hours per day up to a weekly cap.

I think Brexit has more or less put an end to the au pair system.

You mean a nanny I think, not an au pair. An au pair would help you out around other childcare. Normally with older children.

We had nannies. Some were better than others! Be discerning.

It’s the opposite. Au Pair’s duties are looking after the children as part of cultural exchange programme. They should not be doing any duties for the general household.

Au pairs do around 25 hours a week childcare and chores, usually mornings and after school.
Will your children be in part time nursery or preschool?

Au pairs are teens or young adults wanting to travel, learn a language and party a bit - they aren't professional childcarers so bear that in mind.
Also you can't hire from the EU any more, you will need someone who can get a visa.

If you want full time care of two preschoolers then you need a live-in nanny.

I think you need to look up the number of hours au pairs can work, their typical responsibilities, and where they can come from since Brexit.

They're never going to cover FT working hours, or be an alternative to nursery..

I only had one, she was awful, I was more competent than she was - think I was about 8 at the time. She wasn't very nice, but also spent a lot of time crying ( probably homesick, with hindsight, she was still a teenager and had not been away from home before.)
I'm wondering now if the issue was that I was actually very independent and didn't really need looking after or entertaining, and she was expecting children to play with, whereas my brother and I were used to getting with things ourselves. She wasn't comfortable taking us out on public transport, couldn't cook, and was generally a bit wet.
So, with my very limited experience, I'd say if you do get an au pair, be very clear about what your expectations are and make sure that they are willing , able and confident enough to do those things.

Thanks, I’m obviously very out of date! ( my au pair experience is also 42 years out of date) 😂😂 Looking back, I guess she did spend a lot of time with us kids, I just wasn’t aware she was ‘looking after’ us 😂😁

You mustn’t use an au pair as a nanny! They are school leavers/young, unqualified, and usually in the UK to learn English. You are supposed to be giving them board, light jobs, facilitating them going to language school or similar. They are much better for older kids, someone to be there when they get home from school etc. Don’t use them as cheap childcare, it won’t work out for either of you

I don’t have experience with one as a child but my fiends had an au pair who was slightly older (early 20s) and their kids absolutely adored her. She worked for my friends 30h a week and she also did my cleaning as a part time job. My friend’s kids were aged between 2 and 11 and she was great looking after the little one during the day so I would have no concerns getting an au pair over a nanny based on that experience. The little boy is now 8 and he still calls her all the time for a chat.

You need to research what an au pair is. They are meant to so aomething like 5 hours of childcare a day and do things like learn the language on other days . Nursery staff are trained in first aid, child development, child education. An ai pair has a small amount of babysitting experience. You can't replace one with the other. They are for school age kids, doing the school run etc

I was an au pair, and we had a series au pairs for about 8 years to help with our children. It's a fab system and can work very well. You have to be easy going enough to accept a stranger into your home and family though, and also have a spare bedroom for them.

APs aren't there to look after toddlers all day. They need time off for language lessons, and only work something like 25 hours a week. They aren't childminders or nannies.

You need a nanny- an au pair shouldn’t really be looking after kids 4/5 days a week, all day, every day. They are often very very young, no training in childcare/ child development, not especially mature in some cases. I’ve heard some hair raising tales of stuff au pairs got up to- boyfriends around the kids, losing kids in parks, tv all day when au pair had a hangover, secret trips to macdonalds and in some cases basically bribing the kids not to tell parents what was going on! Plus they often leave with very short notice (I have heard equally shocking stories about how au pairs have been treated too).

If you are able to find one (and as others have said, Brexit has made that pretty difficult), I’d only use them for breakfast/ dinner after school/ pre-school and not for tiny babies.

This may be a terminology thing. As others have explained, au pairs are a part time helping hand, distinct from a nanny who would be an alternative to nursery. We used both, had a nanny until the children were upper primary school, then switched to au pairs

Our kids have loved having au pairs and love to visit them in the holidays still.

What worked well when we had a preschooler, was short days in nursery and then the au pair collects them, maybe they have an afternoon nap, so it's a very short time of sole care (ours did 3 hours care for a preschooler with a 1.5hr nap during that time).

It's very difficult since Brexit and demand is higher than supply.

We went round this loop with MIL (from another European country) who insisted we ‘get a teenager’ to look after two-under-two. It’s not only not what au pairs are meant to do (as above it’s a bit of incidental childcare for older kids, not toddlers). It’s also the completely bonkers idea of leaving two tiny children in the care of someone unqualified, probably with no experience of young children, barely older than a child themselves.

If you already have two little kids you’ll know the difficulty of looking after them all day, as well as the very real risks of falling, choking, running under a car, etc.

Get a qualified nanny.

Au pairs are only meant to do childcare for limited hours (so filling in the gaps before/ after nursery/ school pick up and drop off) and I think they aren't supposed to have sole care of children under 2. So in reality you'd be paying for nursery AND an au pair.

I think some light domestic duties can be agreed as long as that doesn't go over the recommended hours but they shouldn't be considered in the same vein as "a cleaner" or "a nanny". They should be treated moke akin to a member of the household doing a share of everyday chores.

As others have said Brexit has hugely limited the au pair scheme.

I've never had an au pair but a friend did and she said it was hit and miss. First one great, very efficient and proactive. (German if that's relevant.) Second one was more of a typical teenager and couldn't get up in the morning so friend ended up having to take the kids to school herself anyway or they'd have been late every day. There were also issues with smoking in her room and bringing random lads home. Friend gave up on au pairs after that!

We had a couple of Au pairs but they really were just teenage girls who came over to the UK to learn English under the guise of being Au pairs and getting a free room,

They never looked after us as such as we were independent DC from the age of 4 playing outside unsupervised with the neighbourhood DC

Not entirely sure what they did but I remember liking them I just can't remember spending much time with them

An Au Pair is different to a Nanny so you'll have to manage your expectations a bit

I was about to say that au pairs are not a substitute for proper pre-school child care. They work about 30 hours a week and are not qualified to look after babies and toddlers.

However, there are other issues - we don't have au pair visas in the UK, so you can only hire from Ireland, UK and countries which we have Youth Mobility Scheme for, so Australia, New Zealand, Canada. So your pot of au pairs is very small and they can pick and choose the hosts they want.

It also looks like the government is removing the ability to pay domestic workers less if they live as part of the family from 1st April this year.
https://www.parallelparliament.co.uk/mp/shailesh-vara/debate/2024-01-09/commons/general-committees/draft-national-minimum-wage-amendment-no-2-regulations-2023
So, they have to be paid minimum wage anyway.