If you grew up with au pairs, did you like it?

[PlanningWayTooFarAhead]

Hi all,

To cut a long story short, DH and I are considering an au pair for the "two set of nursery fee" years. Logistically, it would be manageable. I am also from a different European country and (potentially) having someone else in the house who speaks my language could be quite nice.

My gut feeling is that some kids would do fairly well with au pairs but others might not. We don't really know anyone who grew up that way (or who even uses au pairs now), so I just wondered how you felt about it if your parents hired au pairs to look after you as a child?

I'd prefer nursery for both but for a year or two it would be quite a hefty bill, so just considering our options for the future, especially because we are likely to move in the next two years (i.e. should we plan an extra room etc.)

Don't think I can remove the poll, so might as well make it make sense:
YANBU = I loved having au pairs as a child, get one
YABU = I hated having au pairs as a child, don't get one

We had a fabulous au pair. We’re still in touch with her and I visited her a few weeks ago, 17 years after she left us. She still feels like family.

We did - sort of a mixture of an au pair/ nanny, looking back. We were mainly older than nursery age though. It was more for after school plus a bit of looking after my youngest sibling on non nursery days. Tbh they varied a lot - some were really fun, some were really grumpy. The grumpy ones were probably too young and immature and probably missing home, thinking about it now. I know my mum found some of them very hard work and more like an extra kid to look after, with boyfriend woes and the like, while some were absolutely brilliant- there didn't seem to be a middle ground!

It really depends on the au pair. I had one as a child that I am still in touch with 50 years later! My children had au pairs, some were good and some not so good. Au pairs are helpful once the children are at nursery or school but can't be used instead of a nanny as they are inexperienced and are learning the language. They should be treated as part of the family, so take meals with you and go out with you etc. It is like having a big sister for the DC and can provide the parents with a preview of what it will be like to have a teenage daughter! Some are awful!

We had several growing up.

Some were amazing and became part of the family and we kept in touch and visited for years after.

Some were awful, clearly had real problems and my mum said she trusted me and my DSis more than the au pair to make grown up decisions. Felt like another child in the house!

Some were in the middle.

We didn't mind them being in the house, though some were much easier than others to have around.

We had au pairs when the dc were little (pre brexit). My dh constantly travelled for work, so most of the week I was home alone with a 3yo and newborn. However i was on mat leave, so constantly home. It was more for the extra adult to help out and watch them so I could have a shower, or cook dinner, or pop to the shop for some bread without dragging out a sleeping baby. After my mat leave i became a sahm, but continued hosting au pairs.

We all loved having au pairs, but then i got a load of help from MN on recruiting the perfect one for our family. We're still in touch with them, have since been to their weddings, etc.

Everyone's experience will be different depending on the person and their circumstance, an au pair isnt like some kind of identikit thing

I had one when my children were younger and they dont remember anything about her

Do you possibly mean a nanny?

The biggest issue is you have babies and au pairs are not a suitable solution for this age.

The other issue is the stupid rules coming in which make live in childcare prohibitive. This is why I have not returned to the US. If you are qualified and working in a professional role, I recommend looking to leave the UK until the eldest child is starting secondary school. Go to Singapore, UAE or KSA. The private schools are good and household help is readily available and affordable as you earn more and pay less taxes.

Of course it depends on the au pair! We had one in particular (French) who remained a family friend until she passed away. We adored her. The others I only remember vaguely. But it meant my mother could work so was essential.
My cousin still goes abroad every so often to visit her old au pairs!

Your first mistake is thinking that au pairs bring up children. They aren't nanny's on the cheap and if you attempt to do this you'll be expecting far too much of a young unqualified person and being completely negligent in your role as a parent.

An au pair is an extra pair of hands to help out with light duties usually relating to children. So baby sitting level of responsibility. They can do very basic help around the house but they aren't a skivvy and they are not supposed to be working that many hours.

it is very individual based. if you need help, get help. actually with the right kind of help you can spend more quality time with the children as opposed to being tired from the various essential chores

I grew up with live in nanny + various staff (I was in Bangladesh and its very common). unfortunately I was therefore slow to learn certain life skills as everything was done for me (children are generally very much babied in bengali culture) but I picked them up pretty sharpish when I had to. probably having just one au pair won't have such an effect anyway and a good childcare provider will teach children to be independent.

My experience was not positive, but looking back that was really about a poor match between the au pair and our family needs. We had two German girls at different times, and they were both children of people my father had known from his time serving in the armed forces in Germany. My mother did need extra help, since we lived on a farm. Looking back the girls were probably very isolated, they had no experience of being on a farm, they had limited opportunities to meet other people. We just did not get on at all. I think our case was very very unusual.

You mean a nanny! Au pairs absolutely do not look after young children full time.

A nanny will be more than two sets of nursery fees I am afraid