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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Breaking up in a public place

50 replies

LilsnBills · 17/02/2024 02:59

Not about me but it’s sparked a bit of a debate and I’m keen to get outside opinions.

The scenario, DH and I went to a really lovely restaurant in Knightsbridge tonight, a late valentines dinner. Around us were mainly couples so I’d imagine a lot in the same situation. Our table was uncomfortable close to next one, a relatively young couple, early 20s at most for the woman and the man maybe a little older.
When we got seated they were already almost done their main. Didn’t really pay any attention to them focused on our meal.

During their desert we could really clearly overhear their conversation, he was breaking up with her (and not being massively nice about it) he then said he’d transfer her the cost of the food and got up and left. The poor girl looked totally empty and started crying a little, she just sort of sat there until the staff asked her to pay and told her they needed the table.
I said to DH that I felt awful for her and it’s cruel to do it somewhere public, she was visibly upset, everyone around her would have been able to guess what had happened.

DH disagreed and said public is better, no one’s territory, easier to make a clean escape.
We posted to our relevant group chats and there has been mixed feedback - some saying public is always better, others saying private, preferably wherever the person being broken up with lives. Some pointing out how awful it is to make someone believe they are going on a date night, sit through 2 courses then break up.

so
YABU - Public is better
YANBU - Private is better

thoughts?

OP posts:
fost · 17/02/2024 03:02

private is better if your only concern is that the other person is going to be upset. if you're at all worried they will be violent or abusive, then a public place is better. although not as part of a date at a fancy restaurant.

RuinsLover · 17/02/2024 03:07

Violent or abusive concerns = phone or text.

If you’re doing it in public, best to make it daytime and low key eg coffee, that way they’re not dressed up and excited for a night out. And at the very least you handle the logistics eg paying, sorting out the bill. Poor woman had to deal with being broken up with on a fancy night out in earshot of others, and then have to mess around with the credit card and the waiters? Not good.

RawBloomers · 17/02/2024 03:10

I think this depends. In general, private is more considerate of the person you’re breaking up with. But, as above, public is better if you have concerns about how they will react, and I’d add shouting and, potentially, attempts at coercion to the violence and abuse. I can see why someone who has made up their mind and doesn’t want to have a discussion where they have to constantly justify themselves might want to pick a public place to make it easier to walk away if they think that’s something that’s likely to happen.

Taking someone on a romantic date and breaking up with them at the end seems a spectacularly mean thing to plan, though. It may be that he broke up with her then because of something that came out during the meal. If you weren’t listening before hand, you might have missed the bit where she tells him she’s done X that’s a hard no for him, for instance. But otherwise, just not nice.

FiveShelties · 17/02/2024 03:14

How cruel to leave her to sort the bill out, that is just mean.

Original poster
LilsnBills · 17/02/2024 03:36

RawBloomers · 17/02/2024 03:10

I think this depends. In general, private is more considerate of the person you’re breaking up with. But, as above, public is better if you have concerns about how they will react, and I’d add shouting and, potentially, attempts at coercion to the violence and abuse. I can see why someone who has made up their mind and doesn’t want to have a discussion where they have to constantly justify themselves might want to pick a public place to make it easier to walk away if they think that’s something that’s likely to happen.

Taking someone on a romantic date and breaking up with them at the end seems a spectacularly mean thing to plan, though. It may be that he broke up with her then because of something that came out during the meal. If you weren’t listening before hand, you might have missed the bit where she tells him she’s done X that’s a hard no for him, for instance. But otherwise, just not nice.

That’s a good point we didn’t hear the whole evenings conversations but the “break up speech” which we heard parts of (he was talking particularly loud and it was a bit of a car crash moment, didn’t really want to listen but couldn’t quite help myself) seemed more calculated.
Lots of jargon really “no longer enjoying time together, resenting plans and personality differences” while adding the class “taking time to work on myself and you haven’t done anything wrong lines”

She seemed to take it on the chin, quite stoic, didn’t seem to properly cry until he’d left. I wanted to give the poor woman a hug. She just sort of sat there staring into space for a good 15 minutes, bless her!

OP posts:
RawBloomers · 17/02/2024 04:12

That’s sounds grim. The silver lining is that she’ll be better off without him. In the end, public or private, being broken up with is generally pretty crap and wherever he did it, if he’s like that he’s not going to have done it well.

Northernsouloldies · 17/02/2024 04:41

You don't stomp on someone's heart in public as for the I've to work on myself etc bollocks lay money he had another woman lined up.

WandaWonder · 17/02/2024 04:47

A quiet mutual things are not working break up can be public

If someone is going to start wailing and holding on to their ankles 'please don't leave me' then maybe private is best

So depends

Babsexxx · 17/02/2024 06:47

How awful to break up with someone who has made the effort on Valentines of all days to do that! Cruel no two ways about it! You don’t string anyone along (taking them out on valentines) to humiliate them like that! Thank god she’s rid of him.

winterwarmer8274 · 17/02/2024 06:52

Theres public and then there’s in a restaurant within earshot / view of other people where she then has to interact with the staff.

What a move by him, poor girl. I hope she didn’t then have to get public transport home.

A quiet corner of a park would be okay, maybe even nice as you would be able to sit with yourself for a while if you wanted.

Octavia64 · 17/02/2024 07:16

I did it in public.

But I had previously had to call the police because he hurt our child badly so I did it in public because I thought at least if he hit me there would be witnesses.

Northernsouloldies · 17/02/2024 07:20

Octavia64 · 17/02/2024 07:16

I did it in public.

But I had previously had to call the police because he hurt our child badly so I did it in public because I thought at least if he hit me there would be witnesses.

That's understandable Octavia you were in a dangerous situation. But taking someone to restaurant on valentines to bin them is unwarranted.

WaltzingWaters · 17/02/2024 07:21

Private is better, unless concerns of abuse/anger in which case having other people (but preferably people you know who will step in and help) around is best -or phone/text.

For any standard situation, private is definitely best. Or at least somewhere quiet like a park maybe, not a busy restaurant where everyone can overhear, having just forked out on an expensive meal!

Tatonka · 17/02/2024 07:26

I think you should do it in private, preferably in their home so they don't have to then also make their way home. And pay for the meal ffs. Was this done on Valentines Day? Sounds like a proper pig, glad she is rid of him

RawBloomers · 17/02/2024 07:28

Babsexxx · 17/02/2024 06:47

How awful to break up with someone who has made the effort on Valentines of all days to do that! Cruel no two ways about it! You don’t string anyone along (taking them out on valentines) to humiliate them like that! Thank god she’s rid of him.

It wasn’t on valentines.

Lateautism · 17/02/2024 07:32

Depends if the bastard had a second date lined up - I can see him going to the booking he’s already made. Breaking up and then going to the next one. She had a lovely escape from a thoughtless horror. But I wouldn’t pay for my own dinner to do it. Just no.

I once broke up with a boyfriend in a coffee shop as I was a bit worried as to what he might do - he followed me outside and sat on the bonnet of my car. I phoned a friend to come and help me / but I was stuck - I couldn’t leave the car to go back inside etc

BelindaOkra · 17/02/2024 07:36

Private/public pros & cons depending on situation. Ideally private.

But what you describe is beyond that debate & bloody awful.

SameSameButDeliverance · 17/02/2024 07:39

He didn’t even pay the bloody bill??!!??

What an utter cad.

Howbizarre22 · 17/02/2024 07:40

I don’t think it’s ever acceptable to do it in public because it’s a private matter- the only scenario it is acceptable is where the person is likely to become abusive.

If this was not the case for her (I guess we won’t know) then what an absolute bell end he was to take her out to a fancy restaurant on a busy night then leave her to pay!! Coward. I’d be questioning you dh’s attitude for saying this was ok so he can get a “clean break” that is selfish cruel and very disrespectful. Then to rub salt in the wound by leaving her the bill.

C1N1C · 17/02/2024 07:50

Phone or text. To be honest, text is better as you don't have the upset, bargaining, anger (five stages of grief...). It's cold, but it's decisive and I think it's so easy to be talked out of it and back into something wrong.

Howbizarre22 · 17/02/2024 08:05

C1N1C · 17/02/2024 07:50

Phone or text. To be honest, text is better as you don't have the upset, bargaining, anger (five stages of grief...). It's cold, but it's decisive and I think it's so easy to be talked out of it and back into something wrong.

Wow text?? Couldn’t disagree more. So cowardly and disrespectful. If there’s risk of you being talked back into a relationship that’s on you and your unfirm boundaries.
I agree text or phone if it’s been a brief dating situation but if you’ve been in a loving long term relationship it is only respectful and showing care and kindness to end it in person (again I’m not talking about where there is abuse or cheating or betrayal-that’s different you don’t owe them a kind break up). Break ups where there’s love and it’s long term are heartbreaking and to end over text is cold heartless selfish and bloody cruel. They will have questions and rightly so and yes you’re right there can be a grief response. But that response and the hurt will be intensified by being finished in the way you describe. What a heartless, self serving attitude.

NatWestPigFamily · 17/02/2024 08:19

I’ve been dumped in public when I was about 19. Was dating a guy who apparently came from a very wealthy family and any conversation we had, he would turn into talk about how much money he had and I was sick of him but wasn’t brave enough to dump him as we worked together and I didn’t want it to be uncomfortable.

Anyway one day after work he insisted we went to PizzaHut, flirted with the waitress in front of me. When the bill came I had my money out to pay for my meal but he insisted on paying in front of the waitress. He then said “Look at everything I can give you and what you will miss out on” and then said I was dumped, with the waitress still watching. He then got up and left me there.

I was so relieved that it was over that I just got up and walked to get my train, feeling quite happy but he was waiting by the station so I just waved as I went by. He later told a work mate that he had done it in public to humiliate me and he had waited by the station to see me crying and was disappointed that his plan hadn’t worked. I had a very luck escape with that one.

Catza · 17/02/2024 08:45

C1N1C · 17/02/2024 07:50

Phone or text. To be honest, text is better as you don't have the upset, bargaining, anger (five stages of grief...). It's cold, but it's decisive and I think it's so easy to be talked out of it and back into something wrong.

As someone who was broken up with by text I completely disagree. It’s disrespectful and it is horrible to be left without a closure. My partner and I actually broke up early in our relationship over a misunderstanding which could have been resolved with a conversation. He elected to text instead (I was actually in a restaurant with friends at the time and it ruined my night too). We got back together two weeks after but it took me well over a year to feel safe with him again.

LakeTiticaca · 17/02/2024 08:50

Lateautism · 17/02/2024 07:32

Depends if the bastard had a second date lined up - I can see him going to the booking he’s already made. Breaking up and then going to the next one. She had a lovely escape from a thoughtless horror. But I wouldn’t pay for my own dinner to do it. Just no.

I once broke up with a boyfriend in a coffee shop as I was a bit worried as to what he might do - he followed me outside and sat on the bonnet of my car. I phoned a friend to come and help me / but I was stuck - I couldn’t leave the car to go back inside etc

I would have started driving (slowly) I bet that would have shifted the fucker 😉

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 17/02/2024 08:52

@LilsnBills in a restaurant??? on valentines night??? that is horrible!! perhaps if he had done it in a park, on a park bench! He has publicly humiliated her! Pity she didnt do what the actress in Legally Blond did and just get up and walk out, leaving him to pay the bill!