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AIBU?

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Original poster

Visiting in the laws

45 replies

Whatinthedoopla · 16/02/2024 23:29

My mil doesn't like me, and we are visiting her tomorrow. She likes to make comments and make me feel uncomfortable, and I haven't ever said anything to her about this. I am thinking of leaving to stay in a hotel if she does anything so that husband and children can spend time with them as I am not a confrontational person.

What would you do if you were in my position?

OP posts:
Thedogscollar · 16/02/2024 23:30

I wouldn't go.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/02/2024 23:31

Thedogscollar · 16/02/2024 23:30

I wouldn't go.

This, and I'm curious about the comments. What does she say? Does she say them in front of other people?

BobbyBiscuits · 16/02/2024 23:32

Yeah, don't go. Why should you fork out for a hotel to avoid someone being rude to you? Tell DH he should go with kid but you've got something else really pressing that day. (Like avoiding her the horrible cow, lol)

Lemsipper · 16/02/2024 23:35

Have you told your husband, or has he noticed? What does he say ?

Original poster
Whatinthedoopla · 16/02/2024 23:35

They have always been sly comments, never confrontational ones, but ones where she will make a comment about my family, she will never do them in front of her son, and will always make it out as though she is very helpful when she absolutely isn't.

OP posts:
mrsfollowill · 16/02/2024 23:35

Heck- that sounds 'interesting' ! how does she do this? what sort of comments and how does she make you uncomfortable? Could you maybe challenge her on stuff and see what her reaction is? what does DH do when this is going on?

cleo333 · 16/02/2024 23:35

My mother in law did this and over time it bought me down . My ex never stood up for me either .
Now I regret not standing up for myself as a new daughter in law arrived who is very assertive and my mum in law loved her .

I'm now divorced and thank god have none of that

If you stand up to her make sure it's in earshot of others so she doesn't pull the victim card and twist what you say

Maybelater434 · 16/02/2024 23:36

why do you feel you have to go? life is too short to put yourself through that.

Original poster
Whatinthedoopla · 16/02/2024 23:36

cleo333 · 16/02/2024 23:35

My mother in law did this and over time it bought me down . My ex never stood up for me either .
Now I regret not standing up for myself as a new daughter in law arrived who is very assertive and my mum in law loved her .

I'm now divorced and thank god have none of that

If you stand up to her make sure it's in earshot of others so she doesn't pull the victim card and twist what you say

Good idea, never thought of this

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatinthedoopla · 16/02/2024 23:37

I have to go because my children are going, and they are too young to leave them go alone

OP posts:
yummumto3girls · 16/02/2024 23:40

Is your husband not able to take them? I either wouldn’t go and make it very clear why not or go and call her out on her behaviour!

Maybelater434 · 16/02/2024 23:44

If u absolutely have to go. Then pull her up on every comment. “Could you explain what you meant by that?” If she wants to make you uncomfortable, do it right back.
be polite, but pull her up on every comment. She’ll either stop doing it or actually come clean if there is something she has an issue with.

Original poster
Whatinthedoopla · 16/02/2024 23:45

My husband knows but because I don't like confrontations, I've asked him to say anything. Because they have always been sly comments, i didn't know if they were rude comments or jokes, but because so many of them have happend, I now know they are made to make me feel uncomfortable. And if I say anything she can easily play the innocent or old card.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatinthedoopla · 16/02/2024 23:47

Maybelater434 · 16/02/2024 23:44

If u absolutely have to go. Then pull her up on every comment. “Could you explain what you meant by that?” If she wants to make you uncomfortable, do it right back.
be polite, but pull her up on every comment. She’ll either stop doing it or actually come clean if there is something she has an issue with.

That's a good way, ask her what does she mean by that.

Honestly this woman is the most hipocritical I have ever met, and it brings me down every time I have to see her

OP posts:
Natty13 · 16/02/2024 23:50

Whatinthedoopla · 16/02/2024 23:35

They have always been sly comments, never confrontational ones, but ones where she will make a comment about my family, she will never do them in front of her son, and will always make it out as though she is very helpful when she absolutely isn't.

My ex MIL did this. Whenever my exH came back in the room I'd repeat what she said. "H, your mum just asked me when I'm going to lose my baby weight, what do you think about that?" "H, your mum just told me my family will never be good enoigh for her son, what do you think?"

It worked a treat because he got so sick of it he told her he wouldnt be visiting if she couldn't keep her nastiness to herself.

cleo333 · 16/02/2024 23:52

I think it's time to stand up which may feel uncomfortable but prepare your partner in advance and know you are doing this for you but also your children as they will one day watch her do that to you and learn that's what mum accepts

Cherrysoup · 16/02/2024 23:55

Natty13 · 16/02/2024 23:50

My ex MIL did this. Whenever my exH came back in the room I'd repeat what she said. "H, your mum just asked me when I'm going to lose my baby weight, what do you think about that?" "H, your mum just told me my family will never be good enoigh for her son, what do you think?"

It worked a treat because he got so sick of it he told her he wouldnt be visiting if she couldn't keep her nastiness to herself.

Show quote history

I love this and would definitely do it. Can your Dh not just take the dc on his own?

Moveoverdarlin · 16/02/2024 23:55

Grin and bear it and like another poster says, bite back with an equally sly response…

Well you’d know!
What d’you mean by that Sandra?
Laugh and say ‘yeah course Sandra! Course it is!
Whatever you say Sandra!
I’m sure people say the same about you

It’s all a bit passive aggressive and say it whilst laughing with a smile on your face, so your DH can’t accuse you of being a bitch. Play her at her own game. I loathe my MIL, she’s a grade A miserable old bitch, but we’ve never fallen out. I’ve never been rude but I think whilst I seem quite meek on the surface, she wouldn’t mess with me. I smile at her but all the while I’m fantasising about head butting her and I think she knows. It’s great fun.

Brefugee · 16/02/2024 23:57

Whatinthedoopla · 16/02/2024 23:37

I have to go because my children are going, and they are too young to leave them go alone

why, is your husband quadraplegic or something?

I would let him take the DCs and stay home. And that would be my stand, he takes the children to foster a relationship with their grandparents, but if his mother is rude to you, you don't have to be there.

Original poster
Whatinthedoopla · 17/02/2024 00:01

cleo333 · 16/02/2024 23:52

I think it's time to stand up which may feel uncomfortable but prepare your partner in advance and know you are doing this for you but also your children as they will one day watch her do that to you and learn that's what mum accepts

Very true

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatinthedoopla · 17/02/2024 00:02

Natty13 · 16/02/2024 23:50

My ex MIL did this. Whenever my exH came back in the room I'd repeat what she said. "H, your mum just asked me when I'm going to lose my baby weight, what do you think about that?" "H, your mum just told me my family will never be good enoigh for her son, what do you think?"

It worked a treat because he got so sick of it he told her he wouldnt be visiting if she couldn't keep her nastiness to herself.

Show quote history

I like this

OP posts:
NewName24 · 17/02/2024 00:47

Whatinthedoopla · 16/02/2024 23:37

I have to go because my children are going, and they are too young to leave them go alone

They aren't alone, they would be with their Dad and Grandparents.

No, I wouldn't go and stay in a hotel.

From what you have written, I would go and I would challenge everything by saying "What do you mean by that?"
"Did you mean to be so rude?"
"Can you explain what you mean there?"
"Maybe I misheard or misinterpreted what you were implying, can you say that again please?"

etc.

YWBVU to go then slope off to a hotel.

cleo333 · 17/02/2024 06:33

I also think with people like that they are more likely to subtly criticise you to your kids in the end too so she needs to be stopped and going separately I'm not sure I would do on that basis

Tel12 · 17/02/2024 06:51

Definitely call her out. Get her to repeat everything. Often sounds ridiculous. Good idea above to as I DH opinion on everything. Just act confident.

Charlie2121 · 17/02/2024 07:00

I wouldn’t even consider going. Do something else that day that you enjoy. If you don’t want to leave the children with DH tell him he’s got to go in his own and tell him the reason why.

My DH hasn’t seen my DP since our DS was born as they were very very unreasonable to him around the time I was pregnant. I don’t blame him really. He doesn’t ever stop me seeing my DP but has made it clear he wants no part of it. I always go and see them, they never visit our home now. It works fine.

Life is too short to have to put up with bad relationships.