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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Visiting in the laws

45 replies

Whatinthedoopla · 16/02/2024 23:29

My mil doesn't like me, and we are visiting her tomorrow. She likes to make comments and make me feel uncomfortable, and I haven't ever said anything to her about this. I am thinking of leaving to stay in a hotel if she does anything so that husband and children can spend time with them as I am not a confrontational person.

What would you do if you were in my position?

OP posts:
Sodndashitall · 17/02/2024 07:08

Definitely go down the road of asking her to repeat and ideally in earshot of others

Sorry didn't quite catch that... Can you say again?
Oh I mean to ask... What did you say before when we were in the other room? I didn't quite hear it
Did I hear that right? You said ...

At least this way you out her in front of DH. Otherwise if you don't go she'll just make commentary without you being able to defend yourself

Octavia64 · 17/02/2024 07:12

I stopped going, at first as much and then eventually I just stopped altogether.

ExH took the kids to family events. As they got older they didn't want to go either (they weren't fun events) so sometimes he went on his own.

Nonewclothes2024 · 17/02/2024 07:16

Whatinthedoopla · 16/02/2024 23:37

I have to go because my children are going, and they are too young to leave them go alone

They'll be with your husband though. Their father ?

I wouldn't go.

XFiler · 17/02/2024 07:19

Tell your H you won’t be going again

NerrSnerr · 17/02/2024 07:44

The only reason why they couldn't just go with your husband is if you're breastfeeding. If not then why not just stay at home?

mamacorn1 · 17/02/2024 07:47

I had this with my ex mil. I’m sad now I didn’t confront this openly as I was young and shy. I would call it out, but without being nasty. Just say “why would you say that? That is not a nice comment mil” I think it’s more embarrassing for people to be called out respectfully. You have no defence to someone who is stating you are being unkind without launching into confrontation. I often think this is the strongest form of challenge, as they can’t defend their actions by saying they were attacked.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 17/02/2024 08:43

@Whatinthedoopla why do you have to go without your husband?? I would not go! let you hubby take them himself. you are not obligated to visit your mother in law!

Mariposistaaa · 17/02/2024 08:56

Whatinthedoopla · 16/02/2024 23:37

I have to go because my children are going, and they are too young to leave them go alone

They won’t be alone. They will be with their father who is an equally parent to you.
Don’t go where you’re not welcome. Enjoy some time to yourself.

GabriellaMontez · 17/02/2024 08:59

Will he go without you?

Have you tried "I can't work out, is that a joke or do you mean it seriously?"

Wait for an answer.

Make her think about her comments. Wait until your husband returns. Say "your mum was just saying... "

Porfirio · 17/02/2024 10:45

Unless you speak up she will continue and your children will then be of an age where they see you are accepting of granny bullying you and they may think that have to be timid if anyone picks on them.

Tell the woman straight each and every time she makes a remark that undermines you.

If she is sly in the kitchen with just you and her, draw her back into the sitting room and declare, "Grandma has just said my dress doesn't suit me, what do you think?"

That kind of thing.

NewName24 · 17/02/2024 19:26

I would call it out, but without being nasty. Just say “why would you say that? That is not a nice comment mil” I think it’s more embarrassing for people to be called out respectfully. You have no defence to someone who is stating you are being unkind without launching into confrontation. I often think this is the strongest form of challenge, as they can’t defend their actions by saying they were attacked.

This.

The issue of you not going, means, as others have said, she will continue to slyly say things. She will talk about you and your dc will hear.
You really should go, and calmly challenge he so she has to repeat, or change what she has said, and explain what she said. She is the one who will end up looking - at best 'unkind', not you.

Lovemybunnies · 17/02/2024 19:27

Don’t go. I’ve stopped going. My MIL doesn’t do it anymore but the memories are there.

Herdinggoats · 17/02/2024 19:37

If you don’t want to ask her to explain also just say “I didn’t quite catch that, could you repeat it please”. It really knocks the wind out of peoples nasty comments if they have to say them again as most don’t have the bottle

Nowvoyager99 · 17/02/2024 19:46

I stopped visiting xMIL for similar reasons. I don’t understand why the DC can’t go without you although you haven’t mentioned ages so maybe you’re still breastfeeding?

Otherwise I just wouldn’t go at all. If you’re reluctant because you are worried she will be nasty to your DC then she shouldn’t be anywhere near them either.

Or is this a DH problem?

Rocknrollstar · 17/02/2024 19:53

Put a hip flask in your handbag and have a swig in the loo

Newestname002 · 17/02/2024 19:59

@Whatinthedoopla

I am not a confrontational person.

If you're unable or unwilling to stand up for yourself (and, possibly, as they get older and have an opinion, your children) the she-devil and anyone similar in life will just take advantage of you whilst you seethe and hold your tongue.

It is not easy, at least at first, to push back when someone is being nasty to you but you do need to find a way to think twice before bullying you. Good examples on here by people with horrible MILs - take a deep breath and try a few examples. Before you go (if you feel you have to) do some role playing your head - even if you have to invent an alter ego who says what you in real life want to say.

Be Zena Warrior Queen or Wonder Woman in your head to deliver the killer pushbacks to her. This is not the only scenario where this works BTW - it works with all sorts of people and gives you a self confidence to push back - politely or not. Otherwise resign yourself to people walking over you. 🌹

crumblingschools · 17/02/2024 19:59

If she can’t be nice to you, then I wouldn’t go but I wouldn’t let DC go either if she can’t be nice to their mum.

BroughttoyoubyBerocca · 17/02/2024 20:08

In a similar situation I told my DH not to leave me alone with MIL, then called her out every time.

cleo333 · 17/02/2024 23:04

My mother in law said to me ( after not seeing me for 2 months as I had been in and out of hospital with a risky pregnancy losing 2 stone ) ' what on earth is wrong with you ' . She said it where no one heard . I went to the toilet and cried . Years later I so wish I had confronted her but was too weak then

OnceinaMinion · 17/02/2024 23:11

I had one of these. I am also not confrontational at all. Unfortunately DH once told me she was the ‘best mum ever’ she really really wasn’t at all (I think with time he has seen this but I don’t make an issue out of it).
Anyway I could only respond by being passive aggressive and refusing to go with DH for all visits (other end of the country) and also I stopped organising visits as he is not good as planning. So we went less and less. I also just didn’t speak to her that much, it would end up with some snarky comment so why bother.
She died a few years ago. I wish I could have put my foot down more about not going. I have pointed out to DH that going to theirs was zero enjoyment for me, he seemed to think it was great and ‘like a holiday’ I literally counted the hours down to leaving.

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