DH rage when I didn't help him

[Bluebells81]

I buy all the food and clean/organise the house day-to-day. This is a legacy of me reducing work hours to look after young children and DH needing to do a lot of DIY tasks on our rickety house. He enjoys DIY and has now gone freelance and reduced hours to do more DIY. I think he feels that because he is doing maintenance and has higher p/h earning potential (note the word potential - we are earning about the same at the moment) this gives him freedom to ignore all small domestic tasks. I have mentioned countless times that I feel like the family slave doing all the menial jobs with no thanks, but nothing changes.

Anyway, for half term we split the week with me taking the DC for 2 days, DC in holiday camp for 2 days (with DH picking up) and DH taking them today. Yesterday they came back from camp and sat with DH for 2 hours on the sofa watching film - surrounded by mess, baskets of clothes and washing up. Maybe it was petty, but I felt I needed to drive home the point that our household doesn't organise itself... so I got on with my professional work and left all the mess.

This morning DH needed to get out of the house for a playdate. He starts with a lie-in while I feed DC breakfast, then he can't find his keys, he hasn't organised any food, the DC can't find clothes, he is late. I started the dishwasher and made them lunch and then started work.

The result is an explosion of rage from DH. Telling me to F* *F in front of DC several times. Telling me to get a proper job. Telling me that he is 'helping me' by taking the children out of the house for the day and I need to help him etc...

It was so horrible. Was there a better way that I could have tackled the issue of domestic labour better? I feel like I have run out of options other than to leave him in the mess. Am I missing something here or was he just being a massive man-child? I need the wisdom of other mumsnetters to prepare for him coming home.

I suspect your children might be happier if their parents lived in two separate households …

You're not missing anything. He's an absolute misogynistic pig who belongs in the 1950s

I'd be giving him a very clear picture of my expectations and be packing his bags if he didn't meet them

Speaking to you like that is unnecessary and dick behaviour

i feel your pain. i have two DC, one of whom is 4 month old baby and two DSC. husband is working all week. i'm left looking after all the children and the house etc. but apparently i don't do enough. seriously soul destroying isn't it.

He shouldn't speak to you like that. But can you both sit down and make a plan of who does what and when and stick to it with the chores

i think you need a sit down to review household job shares… as you say his salary has dropped to be equal with yours so therefore the chores need to be 50/50

If he is unwilling to “help” around the house then I’d be seriously considering my relationship as he doesn’t respect the work you do

@Containerhome and @PivotPivotmakingmargaritas I agree we need a new plan now that our work has changed. But where do I start when DH's initial response is to swear at me? I feel like it shouldn't be this hard to get someone to empty the dishwasher and put some clothes away.

He disrespects, undervalues and verbally abuses you and in in front of the kids too. He should be ashamed of himself. Why does he feel like he's 'helping' you by taking the kids out? They're his fucking kids too, it's the least he should be doing without having to be asked.

"I think you need a sit down to review household job shares… as you say his salary has dropped to be equal with yours so therefore the chores need to be 50/50"

If he earns more per hour and earns the same, he is working less hours and therefore has more time on his hands and should be doing more to help.

I don't think he sounds like a very nice person, particularly good father (helping you by sitting watching a film with them, wtf) and a terrible life partner. I don't think he is going to change, so you need to decide how you want to live.

You have done nothing wrong. There is no situation where the person who is working should be doing the tidying while the person sat on their bum should get a free pass.

I'm so sorry OP - he sounds dreadful. I'm afraid you're going to have to accept that he will not behave reasonably. Stop thinking that this is in some way your mess that you have to fix - you don't have to persuade him.

How dare he talk to you like that?! And in front of the children as well.

Thats not on

You start by sitting down and explaining what happened this morning is completely unacceptable. If he has plans with the children he makes a full plan for food, clothes timings etc.
You are working, whether in the house or not, it is not your job to help him sort out his bad planning.
As you are both working/earning similar amounts, the household chores should be divided equally.

You haven't done anything wrong. He has. I would not be extending any olive branches etc after that. He felt the consequences of you not being his skivvy and exploded. Degrading you in front of your children.

If it were me, then unless he comes back absolutely begging for forgiveness and willing to work out a way he'll fairly divide the house stuff, then it'd be over.

Do not let your children think that's an okay way to speak to their mother, ever. That's how men like him think they can get away with it.

Wordless · Today 10:45

I suspect your children might be happier if their parents lived in two separate households …

I agree, he sounds utterly selfish.

Just to say, I’ve been there. I’m sorry, it’s awful. Basic misogyny. Mine escalated and I “left” but still in a mess and subjected to it. I don’t have any advice apart from absolutely do not take it and pull him up on it and please tell him you won’t be spoken to like that EVER again. I let mine drag on too long. Really hope this is a one-off for you.

You can't inflict this on your kids, they should never be exposed to witnessing verbal abuse. Asking for tips on chores is entirely missing the point.
Your bloke is scum and should be divorced.

He swore at you in front of your DC and first he needs to apologise properly for that before anything else can happen.

And then he needs to get some help with being angry.

And then maybe you can get to the division of labour.

He sounds as if he was uncomfortable that he'd fucked up and responded by blaming you.

I think he thought your life was all roses and that taking care of children and a house was a piece of piss. Which is misogyny. Now he's found out that it requires significant thought and effort and is hard work, and he's either embarrassed or again, somehow is making you to blame for his responsibilities.

I'd find a way to talk separately from the kids and ask what on earth was going on this morning. I suppose I'd give him a chance to apologise and to say that he does respect your work, that he does understand that you both have joint responsibility for your children and what it takes to run the family, that you are not the default carer because you have a vagina, abd to ask you for a reset.

If he just starts shouting again, who can be arsed with that?

I can’t even imagine being in a relationship like this?

Do you not have any kind of “agreement” about who does what? For example in our house there are things which are DH’s jobs and things which are my jobs, and we tick along quite nicely both doing our bits that way. But then if for example DH hadn’t done one of his jobs for the night and was sat watching tv with our kids I wouldn’t think twice about doing his job, I’d just do it, and he would do exactly the same for me. So I wouldn’t have saw him watching tv with the kids and thought ah I’ll leave that for him in the morning. Equally if he was struggling to find keys, clothes etc in the morning, I can’t imagine just standing there watching him struggle to get him & the kids sorted and I know he would never do that to me? You really need to be a team when you have young children, not point scoring or almost setting each other up for failure. You both need to sit down and work out how you can work together as a team.

He absolutely shouldn’t be speaking to you like that, especially infront of children, and that’s another conversation for you to have of course. But broadly speaking if you are going to stay together you really need to figure out how to work as a team. Point scoring, being petty, and setting each other up to fail is where madness lies.

He is being completely unreasonable. Maybe a counselling session would help you to talk this through calmly in front of a third person?

OK so the way he spoke to you is absolutely unacceptable and needs to be addressed.

But - you both work part time and bring in equal money - fine - equal contributions to the household.

He does ALL the DIY, and from the sounds of it, he is doing quite a lot. You do none.

You think he should also do half the housework & chores? I don't think that's fair.

Either you do half the DIY and half the housework and chores, or you do the same number of hours each of DIY and chores, but, playing to your strengths a different number of each (e.g Him 15 hours DIY/maintenance plus 15 hours housework/chores, You 30 hours housework/chores).

But anyway, that's all irrelevant, as the way he spoke to you is the bigger issue.

Telling me to get a proper job.

WTF does he mean by this?!

Your H needs to rethink his attitude
Swearing is not acceptable
HE IS A PARENT! Doing things with the kids is his joint responsibility. He is NOT doing you a favour taking his kids somewhere!
It is your joint home. Therefore his joint responsibility to clean and organise the home
You both work ! He needs to respect that you are his Financial equal not his subservient.
You don’t say how old the kids are OP but everyone in your household has a duty to tidy up etc- never too young to Stewart sharing the load x

I wouldn’t put up with anyone telling me to fuck off. Honestly, DH would have spoken to me like that ONCE and his bags would have been packed for him. There would have been no further discussion splitting tasks because he’d have been booted right out the door. From the very beginning of our relationship he knew how I felt about splitting tasks equally and my boundaries at the way people speak to me. Your DH is an adult and a parent, he’s quite capable of getting the children ready and out the door without help, if he’d got his lazy arse out of bed and been organised he wouldn’t have been rushing would he? That was a choice HE made. He’s quite capable of doing household chores. If he’s not willing to to (a) parent b) help with house chores and (c) treat you with respect then you need to re-evaluate of you want to stay in this marriage.

He's got it all going his way, hasn't he?

He's basically doing what he wants when he wants.

What do you think his response will be when you tell him you're not putting up with that, @Bluebells81 ?

You do need to sit down and plan who dies what.You do seem to be disregarding his contribution of fixing up what, by your own admission, is a rickety house.Making your home safe and comfortable for you all isa massive contribution, and I think you are being a little unfair to ignore this fact