DH rage when I didn't help him

[Bluebells81]

I buy all the food and clean/organise the house day-to-day. This is a legacy of me reducing work hours to look after young children and DH needing to do a lot of DIY tasks on our rickety house. He enjoys DIY and has now gone freelance and reduced hours to do more DIY. I think he feels that because he is doing maintenance and has higher p/h earning potential (note the word potential - we are earning about the same at the moment) this gives him freedom to ignore all small domestic tasks. I have mentioned countless times that I feel like the family slave doing all the menial jobs with no thanks, but nothing changes.

Anyway, for half term we split the week with me taking the DC for 2 days, DC in holiday camp for 2 days (with DH picking up) and DH taking them today. Yesterday they came back from camp and sat with DH for 2 hours on the sofa watching film - surrounded by mess, baskets of clothes and washing up. Maybe it was petty, but I felt I needed to drive home the point that our household doesn't organise itself... so I got on with my professional work and left all the mess.

This morning DH needed to get out of the house for a playdate. He starts with a lie-in while I feed DC breakfast, then he can't find his keys, he hasn't organised any food, the DC can't find clothes, he is late. I started the dishwasher and made them lunch and then started work.

The result is an explosion of rage from DH. Telling me to F* *F in front of DC several times. Telling me to get a proper job. Telling me that he is 'helping me' by taking the children out of the house for the day and I need to help him etc...

It was so horrible. Was there a better way that I could have tackled the issue of domestic labour better? I feel like I have run out of options other than to leave him in the mess. Am I missing something here or was he just being a massive man-child? I need the wisdom of other mumsnetters to prepare for him coming home.

If timing wise you are doing the same then it's fair. If you're not then he needs to do more. Simple as that.

He sounds awful.
My job changed and I increased to full time and I never needed to have a discussion with my dh about who does what he just picks up his part. There has been the odd day where I've maybe said I don't have any issue with you going out/seeing friends etc but you must help me before you go and it's just done, no fuss. Some weeks I do a bit more some weeks him and it's flexible.
He should've organised himself this morning and not relied on you.
He sounds like he expects you to manage every aspect for him and is clamping down hard on that. You work and his utter disrespect for your job would be a deal breaker for me

I'd suggest talking to him and saying that obviously there was a problem this morning and that you'd like to talk about it but at a time when everyone is relaxed.

So sit down and get a meeting in the diary.

Then you can basically run the meeting on professional lines.

So say to him, clearly the way we are splitting the work up isn't going ok, because you swore at me the other morning. Ask him to come up with 5 different ways it could change to stop something like that happening again.

(The 5 different ways stuff stops him just saying you should do everything).

If he gets angry or swears etc then just walk out and go to a coffee shop.

This also works if he does it to you in front of the kids.

It may be worth telling him that you will do that.

I'm sorry - I've been there and all this sort of stuff did improve my exH's behaviour but fundamentally he just didn't want to do the work having a family involves and we did end up divorced after he started swearing at and hitting our kids.

@Shinyandnew1 I work freelance and income and workload varies. I took on a couple of extra jobs because DH needed more time to finish a DIY project - so his work hours were reduced. Unfortunately this extra workload for me has also clashed with half term.

Just feeling stretched in every direction at the moment. I keep hearing that I need to do more of everything!

No thoughts on your verbally abusive fella and how your kids will be impacted?

@C00k Many thoughts on this. Trying to figure out how to explain why I put up with this but I don't want them to ever put up with it. Yet another stupid mess that I have to deal with.

DH just texted to say sorry for being grumpy. I want to tell him - 'Being occasionally grumpy is fine. But you weren't grumpy - you were full of rage because you were required to do some small domestic tasks and then through your own laziness you were late for a playdate. Getting in a rage because of this is not okay.' Maybe all best kept for a proper adult conversation rather than a text though.

But is his idea of ‘DIY’ a chore that genuinely needs doing, or just a hobby in disguise so he can muck about with his tools whilst OP picks up the slack?

Judging by his foul explosive temper I suspect he’s just entitled

Personally I’d send the text message and have an adult conversation.. the text message gives him time to think about his actions … although I’d also add in something about how it’s inappropriate and extremely wrong to swear at me especially in front of our children

Personally if I wanted to stay with him then this would be the last day I worked at home. If you’re freelance find some sort of co-working space and go out to it every day.

And I’d say to dh that the next time he interrupts your work for non urgent domestic help, is the day that you start ringing his office landline and leaving messages with his colleagues to ask him to come home and help load the dishwasher

I'd be texting back 'you think telling me to fuck off repeatedly in front of the kids is 'being grumpy'? Ok then. I would call it verbal abuse. If you are in fact sorry for being verbally abusive in front of the kids you need to come up with some solutions that ensure it doesn't happen again. Solutions which don't involve me doing even more of the lions share of sorting out the house and the kids'.

Think how you’ll improve your kids lives in future. Does being exposed to this vile misogynist every day benefit them?

Tell the man he will not speak to you like that again, he must apologise to his kids, and fundamentally change who he is as a person, since this marriage does is not enjoyable nor life enhancing, it will be ended if and when he chooses to continue being a piece of shit. Advocate for yourself and your kids.

I would reply "ypu were way beyond "grumpy". The way you behaved towards me was completely unacceptable and we will need to talk about this face to face."

Face to face I would be asking him to explain why 1) he expects you to help him in ways he does not offer you the same on your days and 2) why he feels it's acceptable to shout and swear at his wife when he feels difficult feelings? No more needs to be said. Let him explain himself.

I just don’t understand how we’re still living as if it’s the 1950s. When people first meet and move in together surely they both workfulltime and share all chores 50/50. So why do we hearso often on here that women are being exploited, undervalued, treated as a domestic drudge? When we got married all this was discussed and everything has always been shared fairly.

Can you just text and askfor calm chat when kids are in bed. Then say you want everything fair and 50/50. You will equally share working/earning, housework (make a list of jobs and divvy up or have a rota it make it explicit) and childcare. Normally it’s much easier if you just have a sense of equity and kindness towards each other but it sounds like there is a lot of resentment where you both feel disadvantaged and that it isn’t fair.

Everyone needs to have space to the selves and free time too, good luck OP YANBU.

@Mistlebough thank you. I'm not sure how I ended up here. I am realising that having two parents working freelance has resulted in us endlessly negotiating who does what and when.

@2024WasNotInFactMyYear yep, there is an element of this which causes resentment. I think part of today's stress is actually because he wants to finish a diy task that he started yesterday and is put out that he has to look after DC

I’d tell him to fuck off.

You need to be clear that he was verbally abusive to you, because of a problem that he created.

Abuse is not acceptable within your marriage, so what is HE going to do to ensure that he is not abusive again.

He needs to offer massive apologies, pro-actively crack on with some housework and realise that you're not his slave.

If my husband had ever spoken to me the way yours does to you, I would have left him, and he said those horrible things in front of your kids. It's fucking appalling.