Toddler's new school think he's autistic & they can't cope

[Frenchmartini02]

We live overseas, DS (3yo) moved from nursery to a private montessori school 2 months ago. We haven't had any concerns raised or feedback during this time, maybe the odd comment at pickup, nothing formal. We had a parents evening this week to discuss how things are going. They told us that they felt his behaviour was not age appropriate and they had concerns for the the safety of other children. They told me that DS had been throwing scissors, running with scissors, hitting teachers & children, pulling hair, taking teachers glasses, trying to bite. They think he doesn't make eye contact, does unusual things with his hands, and is unable to interact socially with his peers, but is very clever and affectionate. They propose that we reduce the hours he does - currently in for 5 hours per day 4 days a week, they suggest to do 4 hours to see if it helps. They've said they would like me to ask his pediatrician for an assistant to shadow him.
I suspected my DS had some behavioural issues before he started school but wanted to see how he found school as I'd had some issues at home. But he had attended nursery for 2 years right up until starting school and they didn't have any concerns or problems and reassured me that they thought his behaviour was in line with his peers. I have seen the pediatrician this week and he has been referred for an assessment.

My AIBU is that I feel the school has handled it badly? They didn't explicitly say they think my son is autistic but strongly implied it and I feel they looked for signs that fit the profile. If my son was throwing scissors, hurt a teacher or pupil etc I would expect to have been told on the day it happened - I feel that this has been sprung on me with no reference to dates, timing, triggers so I can't get a bigger picture of when it happened. They acknowledge that he was not behaving like this when he started but that it's got progressively worse but can't tell me from when or recall specific incidents. He's also only been there for 2 months with Christmas break in between so it doesn't feel like very long for settling in and he's in a class with mixed ages 3-5. Whilst they came across as sympathetic and supportive during the meeting I also felt like they were looking for a way to remove him as a pupil. Also that they lack any kind of experience in this.
Obviously an assistant for DS will only be an option if he receives a diagnosis that supports that which is likely to take at least 6 months.
My gut feeling is to remove him, but that's off topic. First I need to work out how to tackle the school.

as a teacher parents evening should never be a surprise and the fact they've not mentioned any of these incidents before now would be a big red flag

School I worked in Teacher A called all the kids mate, did them a favour by not reporting incidents that would get them sent home - ignored bullying and boys being boys’ Teacher B got the class the following year and a few parents were told the truth about their behaviour who were rightly shocked. Everyone thought Teacher A didn’t have behavioural issues in his because they weren’t sent to the head teacher. How wrong they were.

@Ouchmyarse that's awful, that's what I'm really worried about. I wouldn't be surprised if my son is on the spectrum or ND but I don't think this setting is working for him. I have asked if I can observe and they said that would be OK, but I expect he might just stay with me. When I drop him off he goes in fine but I sense he just wants to play with cars not pour sand and water etc. It's a traditional montessori, very small school, teachers appear loving, caring etc I don't think he copes with all the demands placed on him either. How long did you keep your son in the montessori school?

@MississippiAF well this exactly - we are away for the week and I've brought his plates from home because he can't cope using alternative ones. I've turned the TV round so he can't throw anything at it and break it.

@ProfessorPeppy there is autism on DH side but quite far down the family. DH had a mental breakdown a couple of year ago and suffers from depression. I strongly suspect he's ND because he's very different, he's in the process of having a test for ADHD.

He was asked to leave after 6 months.

He was my first and I was young, I just heard that Montessori schools were good. it was clear when I actually looked into them that it wouldn’t/didn’t suit who he was.

It was sold to me as being child led. It seemed to only be child led if the child wanted to do the things they had set out and a certain way of playing.

It actually did him a lot of damage in terms of how he thought about school. The whole thing shattered his confidence. We ended up Home educating for the rest of reception until he went to school in year 4.

He may just be an upset child whose anchor briefly disappeared and whose environment fails to offer the physical freedom and creativity he needs. Along with staff who pressurise small children to conform when they are too young. Alternatively hitting out when directed could be demand avoidant (PDA or ODD). With PDA children seek to control their environment in order to reduce their anxiety.

@Frenchmartini02

It does sound like your DH is autistic, too (mine had a breakdown a few years ago and is certainly what we used to call ‘Aspergers’). This increases the likelihood that your DS is autistic.

I hope your DS gets the help he needs in the right setting for him. You sound incredibly supportive of him.

@ProfessorPeppy to be honest I don't think DH is because he's the most extroverted person I know, very sociable, gets his energy from people. If anything I thought he might have adhd but he's very very clever, just a bit chaotic, comes across as a bit of a mad genius.

@Frenchmartini02

DS1 is also incredibly outgoing, but autistic. I tend to think of autism as ‘extremes’, so you can be autistic and very shy, or very outgoing, but you might not fall within ‘normal’ range

To give a slightly different example, I (AuDHD) have perfect pitch, my autistic friend is tone deaf, neither of us is ‘in the middle’ and just ‘fairly’ good at perceiving pitch. It tends to present as ‘one end or the other’ rather than ‘average’, if that makes sense?!

Some of you son's quirks remind me of my own son at that age, as do your work-rounds.

My DS was finally diagnosed at 20. School consistently said he was not on the spectrum, but I always thought he was.

He was generally OK at home, it was his safe space and I worked out what the triggers were and adapted to manage these. As he got older the triggers changed and his behaviours changed, so we had intermittent periods of carnage until I caught up.

I think my DS would have self combusted in the type of setting being described here. Too much independence. He found being independent terrifying. He is in his early 20s now, but still needs to feel secure.

From my experience of Montessori schools, they want to cream off the most well behaved, independent children who sell their message about the Montessori technique really well. They aren't interested in the children who need more boundaries, support etc. That's why people look at Montessori schools and think wow how amazing - it's because they don't let in the kids who don't fit the mold.

I would move your son to a different setting that's more accepting of him - whether it not he has any SEN, it's clear this setting aren't managing him well.

'They are free to choose the activities they play with but can't play with them the way he may want to.'

They're three! This is shockingly bad practice and not what montessori is about at all. I'd move him but keep an open mind about being ND, the fact he can cope with free play outside says a LOT.

@Sugargliderwombat yes exactly this, I think it's just too much for him. He says he wants to stay home and play with his toys abs doesnt like the toys in school so I think this says alot. Combined with all the rules. I'm wondering whether I should go in and observe for an hour? Or just pull him out altogether.

@Ouchmyarse thats so so awful. That's what I'm really worried about. He just seems more withdrawn since he started school and doesn't want to leave home, he just doesn't seem himself.

@Waffleson i find it baffling that they have said they've never experienced a kid like my son, so no kid with any "autistic/ND traits" ever! It makes me think that they're not experienced enough to help him. When we met their solution was to have someone shadow my son, so we pay for an assistant to help him and for him to do shorter hours. We can only arrange for an assistant once and if we get a diagnosis so this could be a long wait.
I don't really know what to do for the best. My gut feeling is to pull him out as soon as I can but we are tied to a contract that I don't know if I can get out of, unless we can mutually agree to part ways.
I did ask them before he started if they'd ever had kids who hadn't settled and they said no. I also explained that my son had a lot of energy and I was worried this environment would be too calm for him and they reassured me they had lots of boys who were similar.

@Createausername1970 i think that sounds familiar. I've always felt my son was a bit different to other kids but every time I mentioned it to anyone else they said it was i imagining it and he was just being a toddler and would grow out of it but I think deep down Ive always thought there was something more to it.
If there was one tip you could give someone at the beginning of the process what would it be? My gut feeling is that something will come out of the assessment but this setting is the wrong one and is making him feel worse/more anxious. What would you do in my shoes?

@ProfessorPeppy I had no idea - shows how little I know about autism. I do think it's interesting that my best friend from school since the age of 6, is also going through the same thing with her kids. Both being assessed for autism.
We were always a bit "different" and very much alike in school but navigated our way through life without any additional needs. But I was also extremely shy as a kid and into early adulthood. As a kid I remember crying if someone spoke to me with a loud voice, I hated noise. Im extremely introverted whilst DH is extremely extroverted.

@Frenchmartini02

Based on your description, if I were your teacher now (back in the day!), I would suspect ND and would probably be putting some strategies in place for you, because I’d be worried that you were masking your struggles and were at risk of burnout. We just know so much more about autism in girls nowadays.

I wish you best of luck with your DS, he sounds lovely and I hope he can settle in a setting that suits him and meets his needs.

This sounds exactly like my grandson. He was fine in nursery but the problems started almost immediately on him starting reception, the teachers just couldn't handle him. The school got him a 1:1 but that didn't make much difference - within 6 months he was moved to a specialised school for kids with ASD, he got his diagnosis not long after that.

He's thriving at his new school - it honestly makes me quite emotional seeing him enjoy school, what a difference a year has made (he's 6 now). I really worried about him when he was at the stage your son is at now, I didn't want him to carry the 'naughty' label throughout his school years. It got to the point where he couldn't even complete an hour at his first school - now he's at school full-time and his new teachers have never had an issue managing him (much smaller classes/more teachers) Its amazing what the right environment can do.

I don't know whether this is typical but the teachers at my GS first school were really clueless about ASD - like, I know more just from reading these boards than his SENCO seemed to. They seemed to label a lot of behaviour as 'naughty' rather than understanding why it was happening. Thankfully for us it didn't last long and he got moved to somewhere much more suitable. I hope the same happens for your little boy.

My tips would be:

1. Keep your options open, be prepared for all eventualities and have a plan B.

My DS survived primary school by the skin of his teeth, but secondary school was a step too far, and we ended up home schooling. If I had been a bit more proactive, I would probably have preferred to have home schooled for primary and got him into school for secondary. Home schooling a reluctant 13 year old who was so beaten down by his school experience was very difficult.

1. Read and learn everything you can about how to parent ASD/ADHD children, likely triggers, strategies.

1. Be kind to yourself. You are trying to help this little soul make sense of a confusing world. It can be hard, but it's not your fault, you are not to blame for whatever random acts of mayhem they unleash.

1. Enjoy your child, he might not respond to situations the same as other children might, but accept the difference and it can be joyous to be different - and liberating. I am a totally different person now, I have learnt so much from parenting my DS.

I don't know what happened to the spacing or the numbering!