Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To think my friend should come to me?

32 replies

weddingwaiting · 15/02/2024 19:19

I am getting married in March.

A friend of mine (of around 13 years) is now unable to make it for disappointing but valid reasons.

My friend lives in London and I live in rural East of England so although I can get to London it is expensive and takes about 2 hours on public transport (which is in short supply so I have to drive about 20 mins to a train station).

So far the slots my friend has offered to meet me are after work or in between other things he has going on so practically speaking it wouldn’t work for him to come here which would mean I would have to travel to London, which I hate, to receive my apology/treat dinner.

Historically I have always travelled to him or we have met in the middle but AIBU to think if he really wanted to make it up to me he would make the effort to come to me this time and offer me a whole day/evening?!

OP posts:

OurfriendsintheNE · 15/02/2024 19:22

I’m not sure he should have to grovel to make it up to you for not making it to the wedding but it wouldn’t be unreasonable to insist on meeting in the middle at a time that suits you both.

chiwwy · 15/02/2024 19:22

YANBU, as he has never come to you then you need to put your foot down and tell him to come to you.

He thinks he’s more important than you, don’t re-enforce that by travelling to him.

And if you can’t tell him ‘come to me for a change’ then it’s not much of a friendship.

Original poster

weddingwaiting · 15/02/2024 19:23

@OurfriendsintheNE I’m not expecting grovelling - I understand why he can’t make the wedding even though it’s disappointing. I just don’t think it’s much of a treat for me if I have to pay £60 train fair and travel for 2.5hours

OP posts:

Ariona · 15/02/2024 19:33

Yabu, what would you do there anyway? Why does he need to make it up to you?

Original poster

weddingwaiting · 15/02/2024 19:35

@Ariona he offered!

OP posts:

BobbyBiscuits · 15/02/2024 19:39

Why do you expect an apology that someone has a legit reason not to attend your event? If it feels like that's what you are angling for it doesn't sound great for the friend. They haven't done anything wrong. Can't you just meet in the middle at some point?

Original poster

weddingwaiting · 15/02/2024 19:43

@BobbyBiscuits the making it up to me was offered! As a treat. My AIBU is that it’s not much of a treat for me to schlep to London.

OP posts:

BobbyBiscuits · 15/02/2024 19:51

@weddingwaiting Ah, sorry, I didn't get that bit. In which case yeah, they should make the effort to come to you. Or half way? It might take longer to arrange a date but don't go to London if you don't like it.

Raera · 15/02/2024 19:55

Could you wait for a time when he is able to meet you halfway, even if it's after the wedding? You could look at the photos with him!

chiwwy · 15/02/2024 19:56

You do realise that he has deliberately offered you slots that force you to travel to him, right? As always.

You’re a mug if you fall for it.

chiwwy · 15/02/2024 19:57

Raera · 15/02/2024 19:55

Could you wait for a time when he is able to meet you halfway, even if it's after the wedding? You could look at the photos with him!

Why is it so unthinkable for you and all the other posters here that he travels to OP for once?

bostonchamps · 15/02/2024 20:25

Whilst I do appreciate he should make an effort and come and see you (not questioning that) - I don't understand why your travel is a schlep to London that's a pain, but his journey to yours isn't?

meganorks · 15/02/2024 20:31

Well is it because he wants to take you somewhere particular in London? There are a lot more options!
Just tell him you don't want to go down to him and he needs to come to you.

PutMyFootIn · 15/02/2024 20:35

LOL, Londoners hate leaving London. The only time a lot of Londoners leave London is to go abroad.

You should take turns really, but I'd enjoy a night out in London with a friend. I'd probably stay over too. Or just not meet up at all. If you're getting married next month you must be super busy at the moment anyway.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 15/02/2024 20:35

It's ok to say you don't really want to travel up to London but thanks for the thought.

Original poster

weddingwaiting · 15/02/2024 20:43

@bostonchamps I suppose because there is easy parking where I live so it would drivable (friend has a car) whereas that doesn’t really work the other way around and because I always do it.

@PutMyFootIn my fiancé says the same - he also has friends that seem to think that the default is obviously to come to London and we do find it a bit irritating. Although I have said we are “rural”, it’s more of a small town, we still have pubs and places to eat which is all I would be doing in London…except it’s a lot cheaper here!

OP posts:

Prizefighter · 15/02/2024 20:46

Don’t take him up on the dinner, and just have dinner near you with your DP?

It’s an offer of a dinner on your friends terms - and that is absolutely fine. Just as the invite to the wedding was on your terms, also fine. No apologies or grovels required and no schlepping needed.

Tinkerbyebye · 15/02/2024 20:47

Just say you can’t make those dates, and when will he be free to come and visit you and leave it

thaisweetchill · 15/02/2024 20:49

Just say you've got so much on with the wedding let you know when he can visit near you as it would help massively?

beetr00 · 15/02/2024 20:56

@weddingwaiting he'd like to apologise for not being able to attend, then he has to do the "heavy lifting" surely?

If or when, he is in your area, then say you'd be delighted to meet up.

Have a wonderful wedding day.

Original poster

weddingwaiting · 15/02/2024 20:59

@beetr00 that’s how I feel really!

it’s a longstanding friendship so we will do something soon I’m sure it’s just I really feel it’s time to visit me this time ☹️

OP posts:

NewName24 · 15/02/2024 21:25

YABU. He's probably disappointed himself he can't make the wedding. He doesn't need to apologise.
Presumably this is an open invitation for "When you are next here, I'll treat you to dinner".

I think a lot of how reasonable it is to expect friends to do a longer or trickier journey depends on who moved away.
If you both grew up in 'rural East of England' then I'd expect to see friend when they came home and not expect to do much traveling. If you were friends in London and you made the decision to move away, then I'd expect you to do most of the traveling. If you both met at university in Leeds or somewhere and then moved to different places, then I'd expect the person who lived in the more "appealing" place to host more. That might be someone who lived by a lovely beach, or in a lovely mountain range, or in a capital city. It is less likely to be someone who lives miles from anywhere.
That's not a criticism of where you live - it suits you - but is one consideration of choosing to live in a remote place.

Original poster

weddingwaiting · 15/02/2024 21:28

@NewName24 what if you disagree on what is appealing? I hate going to London, it’s loud, it’s busy, it’s expensive, it’s a horrible and stressful place to try and drive or park. I go, obviously, because sometimes it is unavoidable.

OP posts:

NewName24 · 15/02/2024 22:01

Then I'm guessing the friendship turns into one where you don't see each other that often.
Which is okay. A lot of friendships are either 'of a time' or at least they change over time.

Noseybookworm · 15/02/2024 22:44

Sounds like more of a chore than a treat for you! I wouldn't bother, just say you're really busy between now and the wedding. If he really wanted to see you he'd come to you. Have a lovely wedding ☺️💐

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread