I can understand your frustration. My DDad died a couple of years ago, and our Mum, though divorced for many years & separated for over 30, decided to keep the insurance payout of a good few 10s of thousands which she’d always assured us was, “Just for you girls”.
Of course, Dad didn’t have a will because forward planning was not his forte (he was very much a wangle his bank card or flick his hand for someone else to deal with things).
And on the day I went to the funeral directors & paid for Dad’s cremation, Mum started kicking off, lamenting, “But nobody cares for me!” Remember, they had been separated & divorced for 30 years and DDad had only died 6 days before.
I’ve had to give up work & claim Carer’s Allowance to look after her (thank goodness DH has a good job). External carers have been dismissed and she has what we call ‘Nantrums’ if anyone, be it Adult Social Workers or medical staff, if a third party carer is ever suggested (oh, the joys of having a psychosomatic narcissist for a mother).
And even the money she promised in the summer after his death to her adult grandchildren, to their faces, has failed to materialise. Which we always knew would happen as altruistism is an alien concept for both of our parents.
The tl;dr is, some people are bastards, and those bastards are often your nearest & dearest.
I may sound flippant, but to be promised something for years only to have it whipped away when push comes to shove is heartbreaking.
It’s not about the money (although money is always nice). It’s about the emotions such actions provoke. We knew Mum wouldn’t part with a single penny (she didn’t even offer to pay for his funeral costs from the life insurance, a mere couple of percent of the money). But the feelings of rejection, coupled with the natural grieving due to the loss of a loved one, that’s a hard thing to reconcile.
And when you are on the bare bones of your arse (as we have been when our kids were small) or when DH was made redundant last year, and you see the people who supposedly love you blowing thousands whilst you can’t afford to do basic house repairs… well, it’s bloody hard not to be pissed.
When you are caught in a situation where money is so tight a thing like a failed MOT can send you spiralling, you are not only dealing with the fear of any financial pressures, you’re also trying to cope with your own family’s rejection, having promised you money or property for years and then, nothing.
Of course, people can do what they want with their inherited money. And in the cold light of day we can all understand that.
But it’s not about the money. It’s about the rejection and breaking of trust when you’ve been promised something that never appears. And, as in our case, it’s been promised to you since you were children (and you’re also the ones to sort out the insurance payout because Mum was another hand wafting ‘someone do it for me’ type), it’s a bloody great kick in the ovaries.
You’re not only dealing with the death of your relative, you’re trying to cope with the rejection you feel by the actions of others that you trust and love.
I hope things get better for you @StillAtDusk .Un-Mumsnet-y hugs.