To feel angry, bitter and resentful

[StillAtDusk]

I admit I'm feeling really sorry for myself.
But I can't help it.
DH and I are really struggling financially. We live in a tiny semi-detached house with our 2 DC. Our house has no hallway, front door goes straight into lounge, kitchen 7ft x 10ft, 3rd bedroom (DD room) 6 ft x 9ft. Bought an old 2nd hand car last year after my other 2nd hand car died. Now this one has failed it's MOT miserably and we haven't got the money to pay for the amount of work it needs. Probably can't afford to go on holiday this year. Our kitchen unit doors are broken, our oven is broken, our bath is broken with a hole in it, we need new radiators, we need new carpets because they're all old and threadbare, but we can't afford to replace any of these things and our house is an embarrassing state. We both work, DH 50 hours a week, me 30hrs a week, we are both in professional occupations that we spent years training for after both going to Uni.
Every week I worry about money. And our fixed term mortgage expires later this year and I actually feel physically sick at the thought of how much it's going to go up by as we have no money left at the end of each month as it is, and our mortgage term is up to the age of 70 so we won't be able to extend it as a way of keeping repayments manageable.
I'm angry and bitter and resentful because our life didn't need to be like this.
When I was a teenager, my grandmother repeatedly stated to me, to my DF and DM, and to her sisters, that when she died, I was to be given a quarter of the sale of her house. I so clearly remember her telling me I would inherit a quarter, and I remember family meetings round the table with her stipulating this to my DF (her son) and telling him he must ensure I received a quarter of the sale upon her death. My grandmother adored me all my life. But she never left a will. And after she died, her house was sold and my DF ploughed all of the inheritance into buying a new kitchen, new bathroom and a loft conversion in his girlfriend's house and spent the rest on holidays with her. They're not married and her house is in her name as she bought it before they met. So DF effectively ploughed hundreds of thousands of pounds into her house, he lives there with her, has done for 30 years, but he'll never have any financial claim on it and I never, ever saw a penny of the quarter my grandmother asked him to give me.
I'm angry with my beloved grandmother for trusting that her wishes would be carried out and not leaving an actual will.
I'm beyond angry with my DF and I no longer speak to him as a result. And as a result of me not speaking to him, my DC have never even met him, which I'm also angry and bitter about.
When I was 6, after my parents divorced because my DF had a affair, my DM got engaged and we moved to a new home with my stepfather. They had a baby. Within a year, my stepfather was dead. My DM was unable to financially maintain the mortgage, so we lost our new home and went into rented accommodation. My DM has remained single and in a rented home ever since, as she's never been able to afford to buy a home by herself.
My DH's mother died and DH's father inherited the house. His DM owned her house outright in her own name before she met and married DH's father. Within months of her death, DH's father sold the house, their beautiful family home, banked the money (no mortgage so got all of the sale) moved in with a new woman into her home, married her, then a year later he died and his new wife inherited all of his money from the sale of the family home. The naivity in me thought, surely she'll give DH some money, in recognition of the fact this money she's inherited has come from the sale of his family home which his mother owned outright. But no. She used the whole lot to buy a lovely new home for her and her children. DH never saw a penny of any inheritance. If he had, we wouldn't be living in the tremendously hard up circumstances we are now.
So DH and I are where we are. Struggling to death financially and finding life really hard.
And I'm so angry, it's eating me up.

That’s not true.

What?

Yes, yes it does.

Yours sincerely,

Mother of child claiming DLA, in a mainstream school.

I can understand why you are bitter about your grandmother's money, this seems to happen again and again with nothing written into a will!
However, like others have said you are responsible for yourselves as a couple and shouldn't be relying on inheritance for anything.

That's right Sherlock, my grandmother didn't leave a will. Did you read my OP?
And what we earn has nothing to do with you. I'm not going to put it on a public forum. And asking our salaries is completely derailing my OP anyway.
Of course I'm not exaggerating about being poor.
Have you heard of the cost of living crisis? The increase in food costs, petrol, fuel bills?Uh, hello?
Earth to noideawhatsoccuring
I don't like your tone, by the way.

It is hard to make suggestions without knowing basic details like income v outgoings. Can you explain your finances? The money from family is gone, you need to close that chapter in order to move forward.

You sound so nice, OP.

Can you re-work your budget at all -you both have professional jobs, live in a small house, old car, no holidays, no house renovations, etc - where is your money going ?

@StillAtDusk that claim about DLA simply isn’t true, it’s about a child’s needs not which school. I will also say this as a single working parent and one of my children is also a profoundly disabled child, I also won’t inherit anything from my father as he remarried and doesn’t see me much, I also have a mortgage to pay and repairs to do in my house, you really need to focus on what you do have not what you haven’t, you seem miserable.

Oh wow.

Your parents fucking suck.

I'm sorry

Having a rant is fine but it won’t help your situation. Get it off your chest turn write a list of things you can tackle. Tbh I find the coat thing really odd. It sounds like you’re really embracing wallowing, which you do admit, but when’s it going to end? You could get hit by a bus tomorrow and you’re just wasting your precious life in painful bitterness and rage.

Maybe start with a list of things you’re grateful for. It can’t hurt.

Yeah .. But you chose that job.

Do you hold yourself accountable for anything in your life or do you just get angry and blame everyone and everything else?

Can't afford a new coat? Rage at dad and his "new" girlfriend (who he's been with more than 30yrs) for upgrading their kitchen with money you believed should have been yours.

Can't afford a bath? Rage at your husband's father for leaving his house to his own wife

Can't afford MOT repairs? That'll be the fault of the NHS pay scheme that you chose to sign up for and no one is forcing you to stay in.

Where does your responsibility for your own life factor in anywhere?

It says it's for children who can't walk, or who need much more care than other children.
My 2 DC definitely need more care than other children. They have very high emotional needs caused by their SEN. Aa well as their SEN needs.
I assumed that as they're both at school (albeit struggling as they can't really cope with the school environment), that would mean they are deemed to not require DLA.

I've never had a penny inheritance either OP. A lot if us don't so we have to do the best we can with what we do have. In your case two professional salaries. Which should be enough to not have to penny pinch to that extent. So, if you're not servicing loads of debt, you must be living in too expensive an area. There are plenty of places in the UK where you could have a very comfortable standard of living. Yes it's an upheaval to move but your jobs will surely be transferable and your quality of life would be so much higher.

Are you able to access any kind of counselling through your job OP? This level of anger and bitterness is not good, you'll make yourself ill. At the moment you're wallowing. Speaking to someone independent might help you reframe it in your mind, allowing you to move on with your life.

I chose this job because I wanted to do a meaningful occupation.
I didn't know I would be in for years of pay freezes.

I think your anger is wholly understandable.

People aren't wrong to say you can't base hopes on inheritance, as we never know for sure what we will get.

But...the problem with this country now is that things have got to the point where inheritance/family money is a much, much bigger factor in shaping our outcomes than anything that most people can achieve in their own lives. You'd have to be an exceptionally, exceptionally high earner to achieve the sort of outcomes that inheriting a home or even part of the sales of a home can lead to.

This is all because of the fact that house prices have become so completely unmoored from average earnings.

And that is so infuriating. It makes me angry even in the abstract. It makes me even angrier when I read stories like yours. It creates such feelings of powerless, because it IS a form of powerlessness.

Our futures are not really in our hands, but increasingly, rest on our pasts and the people in them.

Like 4 or so people have already pointed out that the school they attend is irrelevant.

Don't claim it. Probably best to blame that on your Nan too.

Average house price in UK. "my DF ploughed all of the inheritance into a new kitchen, new bathroom and a loft conversion in his girlfriend's house and spent the rest on holidays with her" – I mean this doesn't sound like it costs a mil unless he was renting Plaza penthouse suites on holiday all year round.

Still, taking you at your word, 200k would've made you more comfortable. But I still genuinely firmly believe it's more of a safety net for a family like yours (and mine frankly). After all, it's quite a feat to be living like uneducated single parent council house tenants as 2 graduates supposedly at the top of your career fields.

Your middle-class family has high outgoings/SOL (mortgage, working part time, want a nice big house, multiple SEN kids), learned helplessness (the coat example is so weird – why not just get a new cheap coat, why not try simple DIY around the house since it doesn't sound like you're that stretched for time, why can't you do simple basic research about DLA/PIP or even try applying if in such dire straits), apparently really limited-for-life career earnings, and is in a harsh economic climate.

Again: before times got bad for everyone, would you have ploughed most of it into a more expensive mortgage and major renovation work around the nice big house you want? Or lived in a higher COL area/city? Or you quitting work instead of just working part-time.

I'm really not a "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" kind of person, and I totally get mental health struggles and cyclical poverty... But I just think the way you stew on that safety net sum (that again isn't even trust fund levels), and act like you're uneducated council house tenants, instead of taking really simple reasonable actions shows it wouldn't have set you up for life anyway. Most of it would have been frittered away in your hands.

Op you are in danger of choosing a path of bitterness envy and resentment. This is your one and only life and you have other choices.

Let the past go. Do some spiritual thinking and reading and stop being bitter about things that are not in your control

You need to own your own choices ...the first one being you can choose to let go of all this pointless rage

I didn't ask you to like my tone. But since it's the written word, the tone is all your own.

Yes, I think its ridiculous your grandmother had such firm ideas of what she wanted but didn't leave a will with such a valuable asset. And as it stands, she didn't officially leave it to you.

Your husband was never entitled to his father's money. And it is his father's money.

You dont seem to want to help yourself. People could actually give you some advice to improve your situation. No one is going to just hand you some money. Buy I get the sense you simply don't want to improve the situation.

But if you want to waste your life full of hate and bitterness and just expected money to appear in your account, that's your choice. But you can't expect every body to shower you in sympathy.

At some point you need to start looking g at what you can change.

And yes, I am aware of CoL. I am a single parent. One wage income. Meaning I have less money coming on than a couple with the same household income. I also have an autistic child. So I know your situation. And was until a fee years ago in a similar situation. But as you said, you don't want help.

I do hope this bitterness doesn't last too long. It's mo way to live

Ok, but you've done it long enough to know it now. So what are you going to do?

You can't blame everything in your life on not getting a share of your nans house.

I came from a very well thought of family, business owners, big catholics. Until a unmarried, no children or will, family member died, the three remaining siblings tried to nab the lot. Actually we were no better than the scrubbers my lot used to look down on.

Btw you can absolutely get dla for children who go to mainstream school and have no physical disabilities. I do for my high functioning autistic child.

You absolutely can claim DLA for a child at mainstream school. If your child needs at least an hours additional care a day when compared to a typical child of the same age then yes they can qualify.

You are basing your assumptions on very little information if you are just reading the Gov.UK site. You need to go somewhere like Citizen’s Advice and get some help with the forms. They are very used to the type questions asked and how to respond to them. If your children need more care then you are entitled to apply but the forms can feel onerous and daunting, which is why I suggest you seek help to do them. There may be someone at your council who can help you apply also. Ask around, look for advice online.