Would you be annoying with a friend if they dropped out of this situation?

[CollieHollie]

I have a good friend who's getting married later this year.

For her hen my friend, myself and about 10 others are going abroad. This was arranged about 6 months ago and is for later this year.

As some background info I used to suffer from quite bad anxiety which made me really panicky and home sick. There were only certain people I felt comfortable being away from home with which were DH and my parents. I appreciate that sounds a bit pathetic but the whole MH issues started after a big loss in our lives and I just ended up being a huge panicker and anxious about absolutely everything and everyone. This was around 3/4 years ago. At the time I was on medication for this and in therapy.

Anyway roll on to now and I honestly thought I was doing loads better but the closer the trip is getting the more and more anxious I am getting about the whole thing to the point I desperately don't want to go. I am trying to just put it to the back of my mind for now and just not think about it because it's a while off but I know I can't do that forever.

My question is, if this was one of your friends would you be annoyed if they dropped out? Considering there are plenty of other people going I'm hoping that it wouldn't be an issue. I would still intend to pay my share of anything that's been booked.

I've spoken to DH who thinks I should just go because I'll probably have a great time when I'm there but I just feel sick every time I think about it.

I suffer from GAD and I know how you feel. I still think it'd be wrong to pull out after making a commitment.

In my experience with both me and others with anxiety, your husband is right and you'll enjoy it if you push through.

I think you should go. These feelings were predictable so you have had plenty of time to get things in place help.

I totally understand how anxiety feels and would understand. But I’d also be questioning what you’re doing to address it, as if you’re not going until later in the year then you’ve got plenty of time to work through some therapies or make adjustments to accommodate your needs. For example, could you go for a shorter period of time, pay extra to have your own room to have somewhere private if you feel overwhelmed etc. Have you accessed CBT or similar to help the anxiety?

I think you should push yourself and go if you can, you'll feel a sense of accomplishment and make memories with your friends.

I find that when one person drops out you usually get a couple more feel like they can drop out too which would be a shame for the hen.

I have anxiety and understand your feelings however, you really need to TRY to go. Would it help if you looked at ways you could come back earlier if you wanted?

When is the trip? Get some treatment in the mean time and to cope whilst you're away I.e.medication, therapy etc. Then still go.

And I'm only saying this as you asked - even though I'd understand, if I'm 100% honest yes I would be a bit annoyed. However if you paid up to what you agreed that would be fine by me. What you don't want is NO ONE else going

I was similar, and the more you go the easier it gets.
Don't let this hold you back, you'll have a great time.

I also understand but maybe having a get out clause in your head is enough to make it manageable for you, then you don't feel trapped? I do think it would be best for you to go to benefit yourself if you possibly can.

Just have a plan in place that if you get there and are truly finding it unbearable then you have something in place which means you can get home. How far away is it?

I agree with others that you need to try and go, for yourself and your recovery.

Avoiding things will make your anxiety worse and make it even harder next time something like this comes up.

I get it because I've done the same but it did me no favours.

Honestly… I would be annoyed… because it has been organised for a long time and I’d think you should have been upfront about your feelings in the first place. I wouldn’t stay annoyed though 🙂 And I suspect your husband is right, and you should go.

I absolutely think you shouldn’t go. I’ve just had my wedding and if any of my friends felt like this I’d be horrified.

If it was down the road so you could easily head home then I’d say try but this is quite a leap.

Be very honest as you have been in your opening post and if she’s a real friend they’ll understand completely.

It's tricky as I think I would wish you'd have not agreed to come in the first place rather than agreeing then cancelling...

I've refused hen do trips away from the outset as they sounded like my personal hell. But I think saying you'll go and even having had a hand in arranging it and then cancelling would be a little bit dissapointing.

That said, I'm a grown woman and would just get over it. I wouldn't fall out with you over it if I was the bride

Would you be willing to pay your share if you didn't go? I don't think you've mentioned this. ....

I sometimes feel like that and tbh I understand why PPs are sympathetically urging you to try, but I probably wouldn’t go. It’s not a massive big deal if you don’t go. It’s not like avoiding a life-enhancing operation because you’re scared of hospitals for example. Why push yourself for the sake of a trip abroad? Is it really necessary? Some things in life we just have to take a deep breath and face, but this isn’t one of them.

@EmeraldSakara try reading the OP properly ... she says : I would still intend to pay my share of anything that's been booked

Having lived with someone with anxiety before, my understanding is that the more you give in to the fears the worse it gets and doesn't actually help you in the long run. As they get completely out of proportion.

However a trip does sound like quite an undertaking. Could you try a night away in your own before hand to see how you get on?

You asked if I would be annoyed and the answer is yes. Maybe IWBU to feel this way, I’m not sure, but that is the truth.

Ah sorry- totally missed this for some reason!

I'd try my hardest to go. I went away on a girls trip with a friend last year, and I was so anxious about it in the days beforehand that I considered faking illness and not going, but as it was only two of us going it would have ruined everything so I made myself go through with it. Once I was there I was fine, and I'm glad I went, the city we went to was beautiful and I'd definitely like to return there one day.

I wouldn't feel harshly about a friend who dropped out in these circumstances. Especially if I knew this was an issue that they had.

There is a but, however, when it was first planned you knew you were going abroad and you were fine with it. So you know it's your anxieties that are now trying to talk you out of it. This is an opportunity for you to prove to yourself you can do it. You're going with good friends, and you could have your DH holding your hand all the way to the door if you need to. There isn't a 'safer' way you could do this and take back control of your anxiety.

I would be cautious of dropping out now. Perhaps have a chat with the bride/the person going who you are closest too and tell her how you're feeling. So if you get to the very last minute and 100% can't face going (with no regrets) then, then they can at least be braced for it.

I would be annoyed truthfully although I would say it was fine if I cared about them but I would be really annoyed honestly.

I think you should force yourself to go. (I also have severe anxiety). You will probably find that when you are there alot of what you are anxious about isn't reality and you can't just live your life not letting you do things you wanted to do because you have got anxious about if. Tell your friend how you are feeling and try and go

If I was your friend and was aware of your anxiety issues and history, then I would try to be understanding. I think if you are prepared to pay all the costs associated with dropping out, and no-one else is left with additional costs, then that would soften the blow a bit. However I would still be very disappointed, and I think you need to face the possibility that this might sour your relationship with your friend for good.

I suffer from anxiety myself, so I can relate to how easy it is to fall back into old habits of catastrophising and avoiding situations which you have built up in your head to be worse than they are in reality. You really do need to try and work on your issues, as they will only get worse and you will find your world shrinking as a result.
Maybe you could use this an opportunity to tackle your anxiety head on, rather than let it control you. You know you can beat this as you've done it before. You could start by revisiting the work you did before in therapy, and there is also so much help available online now e.g. Headspace and Calm apps etc. Also have a look at the nhs pages on anxiety, see link below.
https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/mental-health-issues/anxiety/?WT.mc_ID=PPC_Anxiety_Normal_WMHD23&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAiAibeuBhAAEiwAiXBoJFo33kutOA_A3t90TCaw1Ig9w_R6njgluYoEJLpk_MXXdrL7K4iBsRoCkxMQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

If I was your friend, I would be less upset with you if I felt you had done everything you could to work on your issues before dropping out. Remember this is a really special time for your friend, she wants you to be there and I think you might look back and regret it if you aren't there to celebrate with her.
Good luck!

Would I be annoyed? Not at all, as you're still intending to pay your share of costs

Would you benefit from going? Maybe, maybe not

I wouldn't be annoyed. Disappointed maybe, but not annoyed and I would understand.

However - anxiety is like a bully. The more you give in, the more it takes.