Would you be annoying with a friend if they dropped out of this situation?

[CollieHollie]

I have a good friend who's getting married later this year.

For her hen my friend, myself and about 10 others are going abroad. This was arranged about 6 months ago and is for later this year.

As some background info I used to suffer from quite bad anxiety which made me really panicky and home sick. There were only certain people I felt comfortable being away from home with which were DH and my parents. I appreciate that sounds a bit pathetic but the whole MH issues started after a big loss in our lives and I just ended up being a huge panicker and anxious about absolutely everything and everyone. This was around 3/4 years ago. At the time I was on medication for this and in therapy.

Anyway roll on to now and I honestly thought I was doing loads better but the closer the trip is getting the more and more anxious I am getting about the whole thing to the point I desperately don't want to go. I am trying to just put it to the back of my mind for now and just not think about it because it's a while off but I know I can't do that forever.

My question is, if this was one of your friends would you be annoyed if they dropped out? Considering there are plenty of other people going I'm hoping that it wouldn't be an issue. I would still intend to pay my share of anything that's been booked.

I've spoken to DH who thinks I should just go because I'll probably have a great time when I'm there but I just feel sick every time I think about it.

Why don't you use this thread as a forum to talk through what it is you're worried about?

Have you tried hypnotherapy? My anxiety before trips is addressed through a couple of sessions before I go, focussing on the particular trip.

Amazing results!

At the time when all this was going on I didn't really benefit much at all from NHS MH services. The waiting list was huge and when I did finally get to speak to someone I just didn't find it all that helpful.

So at the time we stretched ourselves to afford a private therapist which was extortionate but really helped at the time. Its not something we can really afford to do again right now.

At the time I really thought I was doing better and would be okay. I was even excited when first booked. Its as the date is getting closer that I'm starting to feel worse and worse. Add into it all that I now also have a child I've never left before too which is also now playing on my mind.

I have considered already as PP said looking into coming home early or at least looking into the options so I know what they are and don't feel "trapped" whilst there.

I obviously don't want to upset my friend, I'm just feeling so desperate to get out of it that it's now causing me daily panic thinking about it.

It's in August.

I disagree. It might not be a life threatening avoidance but it is life-limiting, and why limit yourself if you don't have to. Plus the way anxiety works (personal experience and from a lot of research) is if you don't do something you're afraid of, your mind creates a positive link between avoidance and safety. So next time you have a similar thing you don't want to do, it's not just a case of "rationally I know nothing bad will happen to me, I just really don't want to do it," but "LAST time you were scared of doing this similar thing you didn't do it and you were safe therefore you DEFINITELY shouldn't do it this time because that proves it IS dangerous." And then it can escalate, so it's not just a holiday with friends that's a "risk", it's a holiday with anyone. Or going even on a day trip with anyone other than DP. Or going anywhere you don't know anyone. Or leaving the house....etc.

Whereas if you do it you've got the opposite, you might still be nervous the next time a similar activity occurs but you've got the "evidence" of "last time I did this I was dreading it but it was fine/I actually really enjoyed it. Therefore rationally this time will probably be fine too." Then the time after that it's "Okay I was scared x time but that was fine, and then y time but that was fine so this will be fine too." Then the 4th time you barely even think about it.

Given you've got time, I would explore all other options (therapy, medication, looking at 'last resort' options such as how easy it is to change your flight if you really need to get home, for peace of mind), first, and TRY and go, more for yourself and your own well being than for your friend.

My anxiety and worry has always been surrounding something happening to either me or those I love, can be something as big as death or even just little things going wrong. Doing anything used to send me into a tailspin with panic attacks etc because I was convinced something would go wrong.

It was all triggered by a really difficult loss. I feel like it changed who I was at my core and im disappointed in myself as I thought I was doing better until this.

OP I know exactly how you feel and personally I would cancel now. However not sure if that's the best advice in terms of dealing with the root issue. But that would be far too much for me. You need to do whatever is best for you

I would look into perhaps saving again for the good therapist you had. Mine helped me so much, and you certainly aren't changed forever, things can and will get better

I agree - sometimes you need to do things for other people and they make you feel better at the same time.

Actually, it's in the OP ...

I would still intend to pay my share of anything that's been booked.

I would probably wonder why you said yes in the first place, but at the same time, I wouldn't want a friend to feel shit on holiday. It's a good thing you're not leaving the others in a financial hole.

I really would get some help/therapy so you can feel comfortable about going. I'm sorry it's grief related but it's emotional baggage you want to handle before it starts to limit the life of your child as well as yourself.

@Hibernatalie
However - anxiety is like a bully. The more you give in, the more it takes.

that’s such a great way to describe it. Ignore the bully op and start living your life.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say cancel now while it's still an option. You've said you will pay all costs, and there are several other people going so the brides experience is not going to be ruined and no one will be out of pocket. It's better to cancel now than pull out at the very last minute, which sounds like it would be a distinct possibility. Honestly, if I was the Bride, I would absolutely hate the idea of my friend spending now until August in a state of panic just to avoid disappointing me. I would want anyone I care about to prioritise their health and wellbeing over going on a holiday with me.

I understand why people are telling you to go because it is true that the only way to beat anxiety is to face it. Ultimately, avoidance keeps the problem going. That's why the most effective therapies for anxiety generally involve exposing yourself to situations that make you feel anxious (known as graded exposure) with support from your therapist. But, crucially, that exposure is generally supposed to be gradual. This will be your first time leaving your child and its a trip abroad, with a large group of people, which is likely to involve constant pressure to be social. That's not 'graded exposure', it's throwing yourself in at the deep end. Given that you're not currently receiving any MH support I don't think this is necessarily the best idea. A few PP have told you to "get therapy before you go", but you've said private isn't an option for you right now so there's no guarantee you would be seen in time. Even if you could afford private therapy and start tomorrow, there are no guarantees, and I'm not convinced that the pressure of a deadline looming over you is going to be helpful to the therapeutic process. I'm all for goal-setting, but it needs to be flexible because recovery is not a linear process, not "I must be well by X date because I've got this big trip coming up". Therapy doesn't really work like that, especially as from what you've shared on this thread your fears around being away from home are rooted in the experience of trauma, so may be more complex to treat than a straightforward case of anxiety.

So in your shoes I would cancel, but I would also go to the GP and get myself back on the waiting list for therapy. Once this is in place I would also strongly consider commiting to planning a shorter trip away, maybe just one night, somewhere much closer to home. Ideally one that would not involve letting anyone down if it didn't work out.

I can't get a sense of whether you genuinely want to go on this trip or not.

I can't see the point of 'pushing through' if it's something you genuinely don't want to do.

I personally can't stand 'hen' anything and find these trips abroad egotistical so I would never have agreed in the first place.

But something made you want to go.

If it was peer pressure just make up an excuse because there's no point going.

If you do want to do it just go.

I would not be annoyed if someone dropped out due to severe anxiety. I'd be very sympathetic. Do you think you could handle it if you got some anti-anxiety medication? It would be a shame if you would enjoy it once you were there but if you know you won't then it's best not to go. There is no way your friends will mind. You could arrange a do near home for a meal or whatever instead when they get back?

You need to take a decision now on what you're going to do otherwise it's not fair on you or the bride. I really feel for you as it's obviously eating you up.
But you really should consider going, nothing bad will happen and it will help you a lot.
Go for the sake of your child, it'll be good for him or her to get used to you not being there all the time. You don't want your child growing up with the same level of anxiety.
Where are you going? Could you get involved in the planning of the event or research somewhere local of interest you'd like to visit whilst there to give yourself a focus?
The idea of any large hen do, especially abroad is not something I'd enjoy or even consider going to so you do have my sympathy on that score. If you're not fully involved it can be a lonely experience being on the peripathy of a large group of excited women.
Maybe consider a smaller trip with one friend between now and then to try to tackle your fears?
Wishing you all the best x