To pull back from MIL as much as possible

[evb83]

It's a long post but need to give the background!
DH and I have been married 10 years this year, we have two DC ages 8 and 6. We met and lived in London until I fell pregnant and decided to move to either near my family, or near my in-laws. We chose my in-laws because it's a nicer area and DH was keen to come back here. Both sets of parents are approx 150 miles from London but in different directions, so it means I'm not close to my own family at all.
MIL has always been nice enough to my face but we've never been best friends, we wouldn't ever do anything just the two of us. She's never said anything until recently but I could always tell she thought I wasn't good enough for her son - that no-one would be. She's just one of those types!
She said to me when first DC was born that she's not the maternal type, she isn't a hands-on grandmother. Fine by me, I'm not the sort to want others around all the time anyway, although appreciate that children benefit from a grandparent relationship.
I was a SAHM for 7 years until both DC were at school so didn't need regular childcare; MIL would babysit every so often when DH and I went out but she always had to be asked, she would never offer. DC didn't like going there, they basically sat on tablets/phones the whole time with the occasional trip to the park. MIL wouldn't even think about taking them for a day out to the zoo or anything like that.
Then a year ago I got a term time job, 3 days a week, and we asked if she would do school pick up for 2 of those days each week and bring them home and stay with them until I'm home from work, so about 1.5 hours each day. She was happy to do it - great, it could improve their relationship, I thought!
Fast forward to just before last Christmas. MIL was upset about something trivial, she is a bit of a drama queen and gets upset like a toddler does. She said some things to DH about me, who in turn told me, and I said we need to all have a conversation the next day and get it all out in the open. I'm not a confrontational person at all, I hate it, but things needed to be said. So the next day comes and the three of us have a 45 minute long frank discussion - calmly, no raised voices - where she tells me that no one is good enough for her son, or her daughter (her daughter has been married for longer than us and has three children, the oldest being 8 years older than our eldest. She has always looked after them a lot but it's always the same with them in that they go to her house, she'll never take them out anywhere or do anything fun with them), she finds me unapproachable, we have nothing in common, and that I took her son away from her when we got married. (Bear in mind that he lived 150 miles away from her before we married, and now we live 3 miles away because we chose to come back here to start our family!! So as far as I'm concerned I actually brought him back to her.)
But what bothered me the most was when she said she doesn't care about anything or anyone in her life except DH and his sister...she doesn't care about her husband (not DH's dad), her elderly mum who is ill, her brother. Then she said "I love all my grandchildren but I wouldn't care if I never see any of them again."
Well. That's it. I didn't even really react at the time because I was dumbfounded! DH told her to stop talking then because she is burning bridges. She left.
DH apologised for his mum, he knows she's useless and has had many an argument with her over the years about how little she sees us and the kids. He said if I ever want to have it out with her and have a bitchy screaming match he will totally be on my side (not my style though!)
But ever since then you wouldn't even know she'd said all that, she's completely normal around me, texts me when she needs to and uses blowing kiss emojis etc, she's perfectly nice to my face. As far as I'm concerned I don't want her around us anymore, unfortunately unless we put DC in the after school club three days a week which is quite expensive, we need her. So I am civil to her, but I don't ask how she is and what she's been up to, like I used to. I won't go round to hers if I can possibly help it, DH can go and take the kids if he likes but I won't go. I don't want the whole thing brushed under the carpet because she said hurtful things (I don't really care what she thinks of me, it's the comment about my DC I don't like) but I don't know how to act around her. AIBU in not letting go in this way or should I just forget it and move on?

I'm wondering whether the MIL was feeling exhausted that day? It sounds as though she was at the end of her tether for some reason, given the paradoxical statements she made.

Pretty much the same as our situation , I have a 15 year old who I brought up alone no contact from father and me and partner have been together 7 years , my son was never really accepted into their family ( also has autism ) and FIL taunted him at every opportunity even though he knew it distressed him , was at work one day for partner to say he picked DS up from school and he had run away from his parents ! that was the last partner took him there alone .

whole family went on and on about us needing to have “ our own child “ anyway we did two years ago , so we had our DS “ angel child “ of what they wanted and none of them make any effort partner takes him up there every few weeks I don’t go with him as it HIS family and they don’t NEED or WANT to see me and last time I saw them all was Boxing Day MIL hasn't text since then either and neither have I 🤣🤣we live a mile down the road and they won’t come and visit “ we don’t visit people “ so my new rule a long time ago was “ I DONT VISIT PEOPLE “ 🤣 what’s good for one is good for another !

took many years and lots of tears but our arrangement works well now , I’m polite when I do see them every few months and that’s as far as it goes I feel more at peace with my decision and letting go of trying to push a grandparent grandchild relationship that was never there from the off ( promised all the support in the world when pregnant )
it’s not worth your energy honestly .

awaiting surgery from pregnancy complications so need rest and little one goes to private nursery at a cost of £625 a month ( my parents work 50+ hours a week each so can only help
on weekends . I’d rather pay the nursery and know he’s well looked after than him be a burden to any of partners family .

personally I would just book the afterschool care and move on. Please don’t think you’re alone in this as so many other mums I speak to are In the same sort of situation , it’s a “ mummy doesn’t want her grown man to be a grown man “ type of situ 🤣 yet mummy also doesn’t want the grown man under her roof As a singleton 🤣🤣 ( partner 32 and still living at home When we met ) 40 this year .

best of luck hun x

I think you’re being unreasonable about the day out/zoo comment, my gran never took me on days out like that but was the most loving gran ever,

I'd be moving closer to my family and going no contact with MIL immediately if she said anything like that about my family. When people show their true colours, believe them. However, I doubt you'll do either of those things as you like the free childcare. If she actively doesn't care about your children and she's said this to you, as well as saying she doesnt want to be an active grandparent, but you're still leaving them with her for free, maybe she's right to not like you. As horrible as she sounds, you clearly don't care about her feelings in this either, as shes told you loud and clear she doesnt want to be an active grandmother but youre taking advantage of her kindness. Someone else said there's a third side to every story and I would definitely agree here.

Yes she is free childcare but it's for a total of 3 hours a week (you make it sound like two full days) and we thought it would help a relationship blossom

It's not 2 full days but it is 2 days where she can't make her own plans every week. Don't forget that. So no week-long holidays and no last minute trips or visits on those days. It's fine, many people wouldn't bat an eye at that slight inconvenience but dont underestimate that fact that you are essentially asking her to block 2 days every week out of her calendar for childcare, which yes it is quite a big ask.

As for the "thought it would help a relationship blossom" come on, you're not fooling anybody with that. You asked her to do childcare because you needed it, own that and don't try to make it into an altruistic gesture.

Here's the thing, my parents have never provided childcare for my ds. They have had him overnight twice and he's 11. They made it clear from the start that wasn't my role and it isn't. I cried over it when he was little but then came to accept that they have a right to build a relationship in their own way.

We choose to have children but grandparents aren't involved in that decision yet we expect them to drop everything, be over the moon and adoring.

Yes your MIL comments were quite shocking but I think there's a possibility that she VC was just frustrated with both families expecting her to be a caricature of a grandma providing childcare on tap rather than being interested in her as an individual?

Think you’re being defensive due to how hands off your parents are. It’s not their role for childcare but most dote on their grandchildren and would want to spend more than a couple of nights with them. Mines did, my mum and dad did and I know I will, it’s a shame your kids don’t have that as it’s the best loving memories I have. It shouldn’t be expected but my mum said looking after them is an privilege that also shouldn’t be expected, it works both ways

@Harry12345 I can't really see the point of saying this to be honest? I'm glad your dc have good grandparents, mine actually do have a lovely relationship now but I've had to accept that my parents don't exist to do things the way I planned them and to provide childcare whenever I deem it necessary. I think a lot of parents can feel entitled to grandparent's childcare but in fact they're people with their own lives.

The jarring thing about the OP to me is that it is all about the MIL and how useful she is to the OP's family life and doesn't consider whether in fact MIL might be a but frustrated by this and want to be treated as a person in her own right.

So call it "defensive" if you like but I found that mine and my dc relationship with them improved when I grew up a bit a realised that they still loved us even if they weren't sitting around waiting to jump up and provide childcare whenever we wanted it.

Struggle with their children having new relationships and letting go?!

Did you read the same post I did @Atethehalloweenchocs ?

The OP has been married to her husband for 10 years and her sister in law has been married even longer!

This isn't a mum struggling with the fact that her children have recently flown the nest! They flew the nest a long long time ago and the fact she still harbours resentment is nuts.

Also her grandchildren are as old as 8, the fact she said she couldn't care if she never saw them again is awful.

She should have made deep connections with them by now. Can't believe how many people are defending this awful grandma

I would be bitterly hurt by her remarks and behaviour. I think I would look to move nearer to your family and go low contact with the uncaring granny. If she doesn't care that much, why should she be blessed with their presence? Why does she get to enjoy her son at the expense of your happiness? Your kids will work it out for themselves and I think it is unfair for the grown ups to pretend that everything in the garden is rosy, when it is clearly NOT.

I did @navigatingmy20s - did you actually read my reply to you? We dont know the tone, we dont have the context, we know this is a grandmother who is not particularly maternal and has been very honest about that, but who still cares for these children twice a week. As for it being nuts to prioritize your children and miss them - there is no age cut off or time limit on that, as you may discover later in life. As I said, MIL may be horrible. But from the tone of the original post, there are lots of red flags about OPs attitude too which cannot be discounted.

Sorry but I should think it’s quite normal for grandparents not to ‘love’ their grandchildren - be fond of them hopefully but at the end of the day they’re not their kids.

this woman sound super dramatic so for goodness sake don’t feed this weirdness by being dramatic back.

she obviously loves her own kids very much and has a lot of hurt about them leaving her to have families of their own - silly but you can see why that’s hard for people

your kids will still get a lot out of their relationship with her and for goodness sake better that than them having to ask ‘why don’t we see granny any more’ and get the response ‘because she said she didn’t love you so I carried on this family feud’ what kind of weird message is that and total waste of everyone’s time and energy too

Some nasty comments on here...

I would say you need to revisit the conversation, as awful as it is. This kind of thing can't be just swept under the rug and ignored. Not sure how DH is just carrying on with her after that comment.
Sometimes people say things they don't mean and maybe they were just being dramatic and got carried away (they sound the type).

I would either revisit the conversation by arranging time to talk to chat about that comments in relation to childcare. "I'm struggling to get past this comment you made and we are wondering if you would rather we pay for after school childcare foe the children. We had hoped the time would bring you closer but after what you've said we're thinking maybe it's more of a burden than we anticipated' and hopefully they apologise.
Alternatively, I'd get DH to put on his big boy pants and talk to his mother directly.

Her statement doesn’t make sense, it’s a direct contradiction. How can she love a bunch of relatives yet simultaneously not care if she ever saw those people again? Are you and your DH sure that’s exactly what she said or meant to say, did anyone ask her to explain?
I get she may not be overenthusiastic about kids in general (makes her providing childcare quite a sacrifice!). Is it possible she feels put upon by doing the babysitting for ALL her grandkids (not just yours) and that's what she means about not caring if she ever saw any of them again?
Your husband should speak to her to clarify what she actually meant. If you feel she doesn't care about the children or doesn't want to babysit on a regular basis just sort out paid after school care.

Obviously your relationship with her is never going to be warm but there is no need to fall out with her altogether if she is just fed up with the babysitting.

the way you describe loving grandparents that provide childcare is defensive. So people have to grow up if they think it’s ok to ask family to babysit? It’s not when people deem it’s necessary as I said most grandparents want to be more involved. My parents don’t sit about waiting to be childcare, they’ve very much got their own lives and that includes supporting their children and grandchildren.

She sounds neurodivergent and is without a filter. I’d just pay out for the childcare though as I wouldn’t want to feel beholding to someone who holds you in such contempt.

I know it might not be feasible but personally I'd be packing up and moving everyone to live near my own family if my MIL did this. Then she could complain about you taking him away. I'd also me making sure my DH called his sister and let her know what was said about her partner and kids. What an absolute piece of work.

She sounds either depressed or neurodiverse to be honest.

It sounds like the best thing for your kids is to put them in after school club, given they don't like her and she ignores them. At least they'll be stimulated.

the way you describe loving grandparents that provide childcare is defensive. So people have to grow up if they think it’s ok to ask family to babysit? It’s not when people deem it’s necessary as I said most grandparents want to be more involved. My parents don’t sit about waiting to be childcare, they’ve very much got their own lives and that includes supporting their children and grandchildren.

I'm not sure I'm the defensive player be here to be honest, we have different types of parents and different views on this scenario, which I'm happy to accept. At the end of the day people post on her to get a whole range of opinions about a particular issue don't they?

For what it's worth, I didn't say "people need to grow up for thinking it's ok to babysit"

I said that my own relationship with my parents improved when I recognised that they were people with their own lives rather than genetic "grandparents" who were waiting around to babysit.

Do I wish I'd had the latter? Yes sometimes but equally I think I've made my peace with how things panned out and shared this to offer another perspective on this situation.

At the end of the day we weren't there and we don't know these people so nobody really knows who's right and who's wrong do they?

I would use her for all she is worth for childcare to suit me, keep on good terms with her for the hubby’s/wider family’s sake ( at arms length) and kill her with kindness (nothing makes someone feel guilty more 😂) and eventually you will no longer need her for your childcare and even if she did mean what she said about the children that says more about her as a person than you, she sounds like she might have said it for a reaction therefore don’t give one as that might just be what she was after. You don’t want to be the one to upset the status quo, otherwise it’ll just give her more to moan about. You don’t have to like the woman but just put up with her as best you can.

Ok is there any chance while the kids are young for you to move, up root and go to your support system (your family) I almost had this predicament but thank god my mum came through. I thought with the kids being young that was the most difficult part. ITS NOT! You will need more and more support as they get older. Not just childcare but extra help. Your family haven't been mentioned but are your little ones missing out on your family going above and beyond wanting to spend every minute bonding with them and looking after them? Have a think as it get harder and you will need more support.

I’d let it go, OP. It sounds like a silly, self-dramatising thing said in anger, which is contradicted by her actions.

Your MIL sounds like my mum about 15 years ago. She was inappropriate, said strange things, displayed personality splits and was quite cutting if we didn't agree with her. Then the next day acted as if nothing had been said. It was very confusing times not just for us but probably for herself too. Our mum was eventually diagnosed with dementia.

I'm not saying your MIL has it as I don't know her but some of the things you are saying reminded me.

She sounds unhinged. Is she mentally well?

You are then just using her.