To pull back from MIL as much as possible

[evb83]

It's a long post but need to give the background!
DH and I have been married 10 years this year, we have two DC ages 8 and 6. We met and lived in London until I fell pregnant and decided to move to either near my family, or near my in-laws. We chose my in-laws because it's a nicer area and DH was keen to come back here. Both sets of parents are approx 150 miles from London but in different directions, so it means I'm not close to my own family at all.
MIL has always been nice enough to my face but we've never been best friends, we wouldn't ever do anything just the two of us. She's never said anything until recently but I could always tell she thought I wasn't good enough for her son - that no-one would be. She's just one of those types!
She said to me when first DC was born that she's not the maternal type, she isn't a hands-on grandmother. Fine by me, I'm not the sort to want others around all the time anyway, although appreciate that children benefit from a grandparent relationship.
I was a SAHM for 7 years until both DC were at school so didn't need regular childcare; MIL would babysit every so often when DH and I went out but she always had to be asked, she would never offer. DC didn't like going there, they basically sat on tablets/phones the whole time with the occasional trip to the park. MIL wouldn't even think about taking them for a day out to the zoo or anything like that.
Then a year ago I got a term time job, 3 days a week, and we asked if she would do school pick up for 2 of those days each week and bring them home and stay with them until I'm home from work, so about 1.5 hours each day. She was happy to do it - great, it could improve their relationship, I thought!
Fast forward to just before last Christmas. MIL was upset about something trivial, she is a bit of a drama queen and gets upset like a toddler does. She said some things to DH about me, who in turn told me, and I said we need to all have a conversation the next day and get it all out in the open. I'm not a confrontational person at all, I hate it, but things needed to be said. So the next day comes and the three of us have a 45 minute long frank discussion - calmly, no raised voices - where she tells me that no one is good enough for her son, or her daughter (her daughter has been married for longer than us and has three children, the oldest being 8 years older than our eldest. She has always looked after them a lot but it's always the same with them in that they go to her house, she'll never take them out anywhere or do anything fun with them), she finds me unapproachable, we have nothing in common, and that I took her son away from her when we got married. (Bear in mind that he lived 150 miles away from her before we married, and now we live 3 miles away because we chose to come back here to start our family!! So as far as I'm concerned I actually brought him back to her.)
But what bothered me the most was when she said she doesn't care about anything or anyone in her life except DH and his sister...she doesn't care about her husband (not DH's dad), her elderly mum who is ill, her brother. Then she said "I love all my grandchildren but I wouldn't care if I never see any of them again."
Well. That's it. I didn't even really react at the time because I was dumbfounded! DH told her to stop talking then because she is burning bridges. She left.
DH apologised for his mum, he knows she's useless and has had many an argument with her over the years about how little she sees us and the kids. He said if I ever want to have it out with her and have a bitchy screaming match he will totally be on my side (not my style though!)
But ever since then you wouldn't even know she'd said all that, she's completely normal around me, texts me when she needs to and uses blowing kiss emojis etc, she's perfectly nice to my face. As far as I'm concerned I don't want her around us anymore, unfortunately unless we put DC in the after school club three days a week which is quite expensive, we need her. So I am civil to her, but I don't ask how she is and what she's been up to, like I used to. I won't go round to hers if I can possibly help it, DH can go and take the kids if he likes but I won't go. I don't want the whole thing brushed under the carpet because she said hurtful things (I don't really care what she thinks of me, it's the comment about my DC I don't like) but I don't know how to act around her. AIBU in not letting go in this way or should I just forget it and move on?

Wow. What a thing for your MIL to say. What good could ever come from verbalising that? It's a hard thing to come back from even though if suspected it personally, it must have been a shock to hear it about the children.

We all have a vision of doting, fun grandparents but a lot miss the mark. AIBU is littered with posts about grandparents absence or lack of interest.

As the main issue seems to be about childcare, have you asked her if she WANTS to continue given what she has said. Perhaps another conversation is in order. You know the children are safe, you know she is reliable (if a little cold and unimaginative). It's only 2 school pick ups a week. You wouldn't expect a childminder to 'love' them nor the staff at a kids club and basically she has declared herself as such. In the long term, it's her loss.

Good luck

I think you are the strongest most sensible person in this family. MIL clearly has a lot of issues and sounds like a tragic person with a lot of resentment to everyone else. I wonder if she was saying all those things to get a reaction and your calm and composed nature wasn’t giving her the reaction she wanted (maybe to put you in a bad light in front of your DH). Therefore she had to make more and more ridiculous remarks to try and get a reaction?!?!
The way she has now just forgotten about it all and gone back to normal does say that she must have some regret over it or she would continue to say those things. However, like you say, I don’t think she has the capability of actually apologising, not in her nature.
My advice would be continue to be the mature and levelheaded person you are. Trying to keep the family together is important, but if it all gets too much I don’t think anybody would blame you for reducing contact, even your DH!! Good luck!

Why is childcare seen as a big favour to the OP? It’s for her own DS too and he should be involved in paying and sorting this too.

OP she sounds cold and callous, move nearer your family or could you pair up with someone else from school and look after each other’s children for two days after school? If not can you arrange clubs and ask friend whose child goes to take yours (for payment if needed?).

I’d be too worried that in the event of an emergency she wouldn’t care or seek help as she’s said she wouldn’t care if she never saw the grandchildren again. I think you’ll have to take the gut punch that is after school care because I really don’t see how things can’t change after what she’s said.

It's up to her if she doesn't want to take your children to the park or zoo or whatever but if my MIL said I wasn't good enough and that she didn't care if she never saw her grandchildren again then that would be the end for me. Are you seriously saying you're prepared to push it to one side just to save you three hours of childcare? That's batshit.

A childcare provider wouldn't care if they never saw them again either, so if she looks after them there's no real difference

So she's good enough for childcare but not anything else. Unbelievable!

You need to pick your side, OP.

I very much doubt that is true. If she didn't love them, why would she choose to be so involved in their lives?
It was a stupid thing, said in temper.
And remember that we only have the OP's side of things here ...

She sounds ridiculously self centred. She does not infant care about her own dc either or she wouldn't be saying such hurtful things about their families. What she means is she is a bit nuts and hasn't processed that her own dc have grown up and got their own lives.

She should absolutely, 100% apologise for her words though.

'she just won't ever be that person!' -Exactly !

I had a nan like this she was indifferent to me and my sister , much better with my brother because he was male and totally adoring to my dad her son, she was never warm to my mom who was never anything other than kind to her but no one was good enough for her son.
My point is don't stress over trying to make a relationship between this woman and your kids because i imagine whatever you do you just won't win with her , her loss in the long term as your kids will very likely end up feeling very little for the stranger who is their grandmother just like my experience.
I just don't think i could let her look after my kids after this.

@evb83 This is so strange. I actually really like my MIL but I do know my parents see my dh like another son whereas I'm just her son's wife and that's fine. Do you think she actually meant it, it sounds like she got carried away and said things for affect. She does sound quite narcissistic but I have to say, she does have your children a lot more than either of our parents (or many that I know) would commit to, so that's quite a strange thing to do just to please her son.

Honestly, I'd probably have been very blunt and burnt my bridges the moment she suggested I wasn't good enough for my husband and told her where to stick her childcare had she said that about my kids but I get what you mean about not wanting your husband to lose his relationship with his mum. I think its worth you saying to her that you can't get passed the things she's said and where she doesn't think you are good enough for her son, you think your DC deserve better than a grandmother that doesn't care much for them.

Wow, that would be the catalyst for me moving away and get closer to my own family and never bothering with her again.

Why are you forcing your kids onto someone that isn't fussy for them, is she even making sure they are safe (Can't remember if you said their ages so they're maybe past the age of sticking fingers in electric sockets etc).

You need to ditch her. Use tax free childcare and pay for after school; it won’t be that expensive.

I would seriously consider relocating to near your parents while the children are still young enough to adapt. Seems like you made the wrong choice when you became pregnant but not too late to change it.

We once had a ‘chat’ with my ex in laws as MIL as she was smoking in the same room as my very young baby. She said that if it came to a choice between not smoking and not seeing her grandchild she would choose to not see her grandchild!

You've done what I did with my in laws over ten years ago. I'm now going to get in your way of you seeing your son but nor am I ever going to make any effort ever again. Mine also don't give a hoot about their grandchildren. I can't get my head around it at all but there were are!

Yes, @navigatingmy20s we have no idea of the tone or actual words - just the OP viewpoint, and given how entitled she sounds, that has to be taken with a pinch of salt. Plenty of people may struggle with their children having new relationships and letting go - its not wrong to acknowledge that. So, MIL may be out of line, but OP is not doing herself any favours with her attitude either.

totally this, the amount of people saying cut off all ties with Family on here is crazy!!

she probably loves them but doesn’t want to have to spend her retirement running around after them.

stop creating drama

Actions speak louder than words. She wouldn’t agree to do childcare every week if she didn’t love them. I’d completely ignore whatever was said in temper as I can imagine she felt a bit ganged up on and made silly comments to hurt you. Not that it’s an excuse but I wouldn’t be going NC over it or whatever other mad suggestions have been made on this thread.

OP, you are being unreasonable:
"I would love them to have a family member they can choose to go and see when they want to" - generally speaking, once kids are old enough to roam the streets by themselves, they are not that interested in sitting around at their granny's place. Especially a grandmother who has no interest in seeing them.

It's also unclear why you moved close to a women who'd already told she wasn't interested in being a hands-on grandmother. You said she lives in a nice area but that in itself is not a reason to move there, unless you were planning to move in with her...

Honestly, it feels like you are creating this drama by expecting this woman to be a doting grandmother, when she's been really clear that she's not interested.

Do you think there's a possibility she's autistic? Very often people with autism are 'blunt' - they say what they mean and don't have much regard for sentimentality. The comment about not being fussed about ever seeing her GCs again sounds like something a person with ASD might say, totally oblivious to the shock and insult it might cause a neurotypical person.
Not saying it excuses her behaviour but if you think this could apply to her, it might a) help you reframe your perception of her, and b) be the starting point for helping her understand herself better if she'd be open to discussing it.

Well she’s a dick, but you’re using her. Stop it.

MIL is unpleasant and selfish, not ASD.

This.