Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking DS abroad for one extra night

30 replies

PurplePurplePurpleS · 15/02/2024 15:52

I’m taking DS (12) abroad for two nights in a couple of months while DH stays home with DS(7) Originally we had agreed that I would take DS away for just 2 nights but looking at the itinerary we wouldn’t have that much time in our chosen place (possibly Portugal or Spain)

Some background - DS (7) is autistic and we aren’t able to have proper holidays as a family so as a compromise I suggested that so DS (12) doesn’t lose out we would each take him away for a couple of mini breaks per year.

DH is dead against us going for more than 2 nights as he’s working the day after we come back. I’ve arranged for our 7 year old to go attend his usual overnight respite on the last night so DH won’t have to stress but he still won’t budge as he’s worried something will go wrong and he will have to take time off work.

AIBU to want the extra night? 3 nights would make a big difference to how much time we have and it’s only once a year we would go.

OP posts:
Firstnews24 · 15/02/2024 15:56

AIBU to want the extra night?

well of course you’re not unreasonable to “want” this

but it doesn’t sound logistically possible with your husband’s work

do you think he’s lying then?

kintra · 15/02/2024 15:58

Not sure what OP the PP read, OP has clearly said she's arranged overnight respite so there will be no impact on DH's important man job. Problem is, if something does go wrong, he might have to step up and be a parent.

OP YANBU at all assuming you'd let him go for 3 nights later in the year. It must be such a difficult life

Original poster
PurplePurplePurpleS · 15/02/2024 15:59

Firstnews24 · 15/02/2024 15:56

AIBU to want the extra night?

well of course you’re not unreasonable to “want” this

but it doesn’t sound logistically possible with your husband’s work

do you think he’s lying then?

Our youngest wouldn’t be there on the final night and straight to school the next day. DH would just stress that if DS was ill he would have to take a whole day off.

OP posts:
Firstnews24 · 15/02/2024 16:00

so… you think DH is being drama llama or you think he’s being malicious?

Firstnews24 · 15/02/2024 16:01

has there ever been any issue with your son going to this regular respite care?

Original poster
PurplePurplePurpleS · 15/02/2024 16:02

kintra · 15/02/2024 15:58

Not sure what OP the PP read, OP has clearly said she's arranged overnight respite so there will be no impact on DH's important man job. Problem is, if something does go wrong, he might have to step up and be a parent.

OP YANBU at all assuming you'd let him go for 3 nights later in the year. It must be such a difficult life

Thank you, yes it’s all arranged so our youngest would be staying elsewhere and then straight to school. I’ve even told DH that I’d be happy for him to go much further with DS (12) and I would just take time off work. DS wants to go to Japan and I’ve given them the go ahead if finances allow.

OP posts:
Firstnews24 · 15/02/2024 16:03

DH would just stress that if DS was ill he would have to take a whole day off.

does that regularly happen?

and depends on his job. A surgeon with a list of operations scheduled? a job where many people would be seriously let down if he wasn’t able to?

kintra · 15/02/2024 16:05

@Firstnews24 You're being weirdly aggressive to a woman just asking for support. Who GAF if DH is a surgeon? Surgeons are people too, and sometimes they need to take time off to parent their dependent child, or to care for a dying parent. They're not gods (some just think they are tbf...).

@PurplePurplePurpleS Oh OP, it makes me so sad to see women tie themselves in such knots to try to keep everyone happy. DH is being so U it's unreal

Original poster
PurplePurplePurpleS · 15/02/2024 16:05

Firstnews24 · 15/02/2024 16:03

DH would just stress that if DS was ill he would have to take a whole day off.

does that regularly happen?

and depends on his job. A surgeon with a list of operations scheduled? a job where many people would be seriously let down if he wasn’t able to?

No, DS is very healthy but obviously we can’t predict if he might catch something on the day. His job is an important one in the NHS but they would be able to cover him if he wasn’t there or late etc

OP posts:
Original poster
PurplePurplePurpleS · 15/02/2024 16:08

kintra · 15/02/2024 16:05

@Firstnews24 You're being weirdly aggressive to a woman just asking for support. Who GAF if DH is a surgeon? Surgeons are people too, and sometimes they need to take time off to parent their dependent child, or to care for a dying parent. They're not gods (some just think they are tbf...).

@PurplePurplePurpleS Oh OP, it makes me so sad to see women tie themselves in such knots to try to keep everyone happy. DH is being so U it's unreal

Yeah it’s only one night. The difficult thing is that DH has point blank refused to take our ASD youngest abroad even though I believe with planning we could have a proper family holiday so I am having to be creative. Otherwise we all face a life without travel or seeing other countries.

OP posts:
Firstnews24 · 15/02/2024 16:29

His job is an important one in the NHS but they would be able to cover him if he wasn’t there or late etc

a surgeon? patients depending on him?

yes i’m sure they could cover for him but what happens if there’s no notice and he can to cancel work at the last minute?

So i’m just trying to gauge whether you think his motivation is just him being a worry wart or whether you think it’s him being malicious

Valtine2 · 15/02/2024 16:31

What job does your DH do in the NHS that he can't request annual leave for 1 or 2 days? Even surgeons have time off a d that includes the top ones.

kintra · 15/02/2024 16:35

Omg it's not about DH needing the day off! Why would he request annual leave when his son is at respite and school, all being well? The problem is he obviously always relies on OP/assumes OP will pick up any slack if a child is unwell, and for once he is having to experience what it's like to have that responsibility.

@Firstnews24 He's obviously anxious about being in sole charge. Whether that's genuine anxiety or incompetence isn't really important here, he's a parent so tough shit really. It's not hard to understand, stop badgering OP. Also there are lots of important jobs that aren't surgeon!

Firstnews24 · 15/02/2024 16:36

good grief @kintra calm dowm

just asking questions. No aggressions or anything remotely like that

one for hyperbole in real life i suspect

Firstnews24 · 15/02/2024 16:37

how far in advance is the holiday op?

Mumof2teens79 · 15/02/2024 16:40

PurplePurplePurpleS · 15/02/2024 15:59

Our youngest wouldn’t be there on the final night and straight to school the next day. DH would just stress that if DS was ill he would have to take a whole day off.

Show quote history

And that wouldn't be the case if you were there?
Presumably you are a SAHM?

Tell him to get a grip! OH goes away with work more often than I do....this leaves me to deal with any emergencies....that's life.
OH also has to take time off to look after sick kids cos I also have a job.
If he's worried about something going wrong at respite he could always have him at home?

carerneedshelp · 15/02/2024 16:42

Firstnews24 · 15/02/2024 16:36

good grief @kintra calm dowm

just asking questions. No aggressions or anything remotely like that

one for hyperbole in real life i suspect

Well you are asking some rather ridiculous questions tbh!
It's irrelevant what DH does - he is a father he has responsibilities and needs to step up sometimes. Having an 'important man job' whatever it may be doesn't excuse him from stepping up as a parent sometimes. He chose to have kids. I'm betting the OP is the one who usually steps up to do all the inconvenient bits of parenting. Tough shit it's his turn to be potentially on cal for 1 day!

clpsmum · 15/02/2024 16:49

So what if he has to take a day off women do it all the time L. Go for the four nights and enjoy yourself

Firstnews24 · 15/02/2024 17:25

It's irrelevant what DH does -

🙄

Firstnews24 · 15/02/2024 17:27

a surgeon with a list of patients who have been waiting months maybe years… cancelled on the morning

a driving test instructor…. three pupils that day due their test this week and last lessons booked for that day

A huge tender presentation in which he’s the key speaker scheduled for that day

Surely, surely you can see what he does is relevant? given it would be a very short notice cancellation

Juryorrun · 15/02/2024 17:32

Who made him the lord and master of the household? Forbids family holidays, forbids more then 2 nights away (with very reasonable provisions put in place that have a very slim chance of affecting him at all). All sounds very control freakish to me.

RawBloomers · 15/02/2024 17:35

Firstnews24 · 15/02/2024 17:27

a surgeon with a list of patients who have been waiting months maybe years… cancelled on the morning

a driving test instructor…. three pupils that day due their test this week and last lessons booked for that day

A huge tender presentation in which he’s the key speaker scheduled for that day

Surely, surely you can see what he does is relevant? given it would be a very short notice cancellation

There are cases where it might be significant. But OP has already clearly stated that his work could find cover, so none of this is relevant to this case.

Firstnews24 · 15/02/2024 18:22

i’m curious as to how far in advance the trip is?

Original poster
PurplePurplePurpleS · 15/02/2024 19:10

Firstnews24 · 15/02/2024 18:22

i’m curious as to how far in advance the trip is?

3 months in advance

OP posts:
carerneedshelp · 15/02/2024 19:12

Firstnews24 · 15/02/2024 17:27

a surgeon with a list of patients who have been waiting months maybe years… cancelled on the morning

a driving test instructor…. three pupils that day due their test this week and last lessons booked for that day

A huge tender presentation in which he’s the key speaker scheduled for that day

Surely, surely you can see what he does is relevant? given it would be a very short notice cancellation

No it's not relevant.

He is a parent first and foremost and a poorly disabled child comes first!

Surely you must see that!!! Ffs!!!