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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sister excluded at end of life care

78 replies

Mrsm010918 · 15/02/2024 15:42

Now I will preface this by explaining that my sister has quite severe learning difficulties in that her mental age has never progressed past that of around a 12 year old. She does however, have capacity to live alone and maintain relationships.

My mum has just been hospitalised and 2 masses have been discovered in her brain. The doctor is looking at it being secondary cancer so not a long life expectancy at this point.

The problem is nobody is bothering to keep my sister updated. Her and my mum haven't got a great relationship, it's superficial at best, but DSis does keep in touch and tries to visit etc. My mum is never welcoming with her and its all rooted in the fact that DSis is in contact with her dad. He's done some pretty awful things to her over the years, as well as to the family as a whole but ultimately she contacted him and she won't be told anything bad about him. This has been ongoing for at least 15 years now.

Mum has laid in hospital saying she wants nothing to do with DSis on her deathbed basically because she doesn't want any info getting back to her ex husband. DSis is ringing round everyone trying to find out what's going on, what the treatment will be etc and she sounds genuinely concerned rather than on a phishing expedition.

AIBU to find it incredibly harsh that everyone is blocking her out in this?

Even though it may mean she doesn't get to say goodbye?

My eldest brother agrees with me but the others are against her knowing anything

OP posts:

clpsmum · 15/02/2024 16:33

Haven't rtft but I think that's awful if your mum tbh. I am sorry that she is ill xx

Mrsttcno1 · 15/02/2024 16:35

It is a difficult situation, but it’s one in which actually the only person who’s wishes are important is your mum’s.

You have to respect them, whatever your own thoughts are, I can’t imagine going against the dying wishes of my mum

SisterMichaelsHabit · 15/02/2024 16:38

Personally I think (having been in some shit family drama over deaths) that you should prioritise your DSis and advocate for her, because she is the one who will have to live the rest of her life after this knowing that her mother shut her out because of a pathetic grudge with her DH that she's scapegoating her LD daughter over.

I'd be advocating for my DSis to my mum if she did this (and my DM did something very similar before she died and my DSis never recovered from it and it pushed her closer to her DF she moved in with him because he was the only stable figure in her life who she felt she could count on by then, so he 'won' in the end).

Original poster

Mrsm010918 · 15/02/2024 16:55

TheNoodlesIncident · 15/02/2024 16:23

At the moment I'm telling her information on prognosis every couple days as and when we get more information, I am keeping it simple enough for her to understand but being clear about it.

So she understands that her mother is dying and doesn't have a lot of time left (by the sounds of it - I am so sorry OP ). How much support will your sister have when the time comes, assuming she does get told - presumably afterwards?

It's a very difficult situation to be in, you must feel caught in the middle I do feel you should support your mum by following her wishes, although it must be very hard. Can your brother take over that task some of the time, surely it's his job too?

Honestly, apart from me and my older brother, and perhaps my dad (her stepdad), I don't see any of the rest of the family being there for her at all. We both live at the other end of the country.

She has a small network of friends where they live and wouldn't relocate I don't think unless it was to live with her dad, and I wouldn't want to move back there either, there's not a lot in terms of prospects when I think of my own DC

OP posts:

Lamelie · 15/02/2024 17:35

Midnlghtrain · 15/02/2024 16:01

It's your mother's wishes - why would you prioritise the wishes of your sister to "say goodbye" over the wishes of your mother who doesn't want her to?

Because dying people can be arseholes too and op will be left with a traumatised sister.
It’s an awful situation @Mrsm010918
can you reason with your mother?

TheBayLady · 15/02/2024 17:36

This is your Mums death and what she says goes. Don't go against he wishes. I know it is hard but you have to respect your Mums wishes.

trooc · 15/02/2024 17:37

Imagine lying on your literal death bed and having your family ignore your wishes and bring someone who you did not want there simply because it will make their life easier after you have died.

MamaAlwaysknowsbest · 15/02/2024 17:37

just inform your sister

Emptyheadlock · 15/02/2024 17:51

Presuming your mum has capacity, why the fuck would anyone go against her wishes.

Her body is failing, not her brain.

Mitherations · 15/02/2024 17:51

trooc · 15/02/2024 17:37

Imagine lying on your literal death bed and having your family ignore your wishes and bring someone who you did not want there simply because it will make their life easier after you have died.

I don't know, there are clearly various sides to this. I can't imagine lying on my literal death bed and forbidding my LD daughter from coming anywhere near me, or being included in my impending death because of my ex husband who is on oxygen miles away and therefore clearly in no fit state to be present even if he wanted to be.

You aren't exhalted to a saint status on your death bed, you can still make bad decisions that cause pain to others.

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 15/02/2024 17:51

Good God I can't imagine being so filled with bitterness on my death bed......no real advice op but I really hope your mum sees sense.

JobsLot · 15/02/2024 18:02

I'm actually shocked that this girl's mother is dying and she's effectively banned from saying goodbye to her. Let's hope she's emotionally strong enough to deal with the rejection. I understand that your mother is entitled to privacy from her ex, but, by God, her daughter's being left to pay the price.

MohairTortoise · 15/02/2024 18:05

This sounds like an awful position to be put in OP, however, there are people I would absolutely hate to know anything personal about me, especially if I was at my most vulnerable.
What is the history here?
Has your sister told her dad information about your mum before that your mum didn't want him to know?
Has your sister told your dad things she has been asked to keep to herself? Maybe things that didn't affect your dad at all?

If that's the case, the trust has been breached and I can see it from your mums POV.

StrawberryJellyBelly · 15/02/2024 18:16

I feel so sorry for the sister in this. What’s happening to her is extremely cruel and given the fact she has LD she needs more understanding at this time, not less.

I have a son with LD and everything is about him. He’s the most helpless member of the family and because I’m well into my 60’s my eventual demise has been spoken about and what would be the best thing for him was the most important part of our discussions. I also have an ex husband but again, he could actually lay me to rest if it’s what my son and my other children need on the day.

OP, is there any chance the tumours on your mums brain is affecting her thought process?

CrappySack · 15/02/2024 18:16

Mitherations · 15/02/2024 17:51

You aren't exhalted to a saint status on your death bed, you can still make bad decisions that cause pain to others.

Show quote history

I agree with this.

I'd hope I'd be able to put my own child above my feelings towards an ex.

Is doesn't sound like your sister has done anything wrong apart from still have a relationship with her Dad?

SecondUsername4me · 15/02/2024 18:19

So your mum is punishing her child because her child wants to maintain a relationship with both her birth parents?

What an awful way to spend your remaining time on earth.

oatmilksaga · 15/02/2024 18:19

I hate when parents punish children for their own grudges, justified or not. It happened to me and it's awful behaviour.

Feel for your sister in this.

saoirse31 · 15/02/2024 18:19

Imagine excluding one of your daughters at your death, because of her father .. couldn't do it. Don't think most mothers would do it. Accept i am being unreasonable in many peoples views, but god , if u were dying, would u not want to try and 'mind' your children especially those who really needed it...

oatmilksaga · 15/02/2024 18:20

saoirse31 · 15/02/2024 18:19

Agree with this. Sounds like some twisted power play.

Noideawwhatsoccuring · 15/02/2024 18:21

I am sorry you are in this position.

However, it seems really clear cut. Your mother doesn’t want her ex husband knowing any detail regarding her health, prognosis or death.

Your sister doesn’t seem to have the ability to not pass on that information.

I think your mothers wishes need to be respected.

oatmilksaga · 15/02/2024 18:22

trooc · 15/02/2024 17:37

Imagine lying on your literal death bed and having your family ignore your wishes and bring someone who you did not want there simply because it will make their life easier after you have died.

It's her child, with learning disabilities? It's not like they're inviting the ex. When she's dead he'll find out anyway. Who cares?

TheSnowyOwl · 15/02/2024 18:26

I’m sorry for what you are going through but it’s your mum’s wishes you need to follow. However, I don’t see why you can’t tell your sister this (albeit in a gentle way)

Octavia64 · 15/02/2024 18:33

It's hard to see what you can do here.

If you tell your sister the truth she will be upset.

If you don't then she won't but you will have lied.

You could try and persuade your mum to see your sister/ agree some information to be passed to her (does your mum know that the ExH is very unlikely to turn up and start shouting at her?) but the risk there especially if the sister comes in person is that there is some kind of row.

I suspect your mum was badly hurt by your sister keeping in touch with her ExH, particularly as you say he has done some bad things. As a result they have a superficial relationship because your mum clearly feels she can't be trusted.

Original poster

Mrsm010918 · 15/02/2024 18:33

To answer a few questions...

Yes, my Dsis has passed along information before about things going on within the family. She won't have seen any harm in it and it usually only came out that she'd done it when she'd say 'well my dad says...' etc. My mum has been married to my dad for 32 years now and there have been times when her exhusband has tried to cause problems but these were not directly Dsis fault.

I guess posters could be correct in saying that she has been punished for keeping contact with him, initially by being pushed to being at arms length and now with this.

I wouldn't say the tumours have clouded mums thinking here, more just exaggerated her thoughts if anything.

I won't be encouraging my sister to visit in hospital at all, I do understand that I have to respect my mum's wishes in not having her there.

The fallout from this is going to be grim though and I can't help feeling a bit angry that it will cause resentment from Dsis toward the rest of us.

OP posts:

Mitherations · 15/02/2024 18:34

oatmilksaga · 15/02/2024 18:22

It's her child, with learning disabilities? It's not like they're inviting the ex. When she's dead he'll find out anyway. Who cares?

Show quote history

I feel the same, there will be no controlling of information when she's gone, and to be fair it sounds like her Ex isn't in the best of health, which could leave OP's sister trying to make sense of what's gone on with a lack of info and support.

I feel for you OP, but I feel with the added situation of the LD your sister needs to be supported here.

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