Should I lie to my kid about the dentist?

[CaseyCassum]

Don't eat me alive, please. I just have a question.
My son is 14 and deathly afraid of the dentist. Always has been.
Whenever he was younger, the methods the dentist used to force compliance of children in the denstist's chair were (by today's standards) pretty barbaric.
If a child would fight the dentist and refuse to settle, it was standard practice to strap the child down using a weighted blanket and straps, and then usher the parents out of the room to do the dental work... This happened to my son and I went along with it because I knew no better at the time.

Of course these days I'd never go along with something like that and I'm pretty sure dentists don't even do that sort of thing anymore but that's beside the point.

Well, now my son's capped baby tooth is retained and needs to come out. It's not unusual that baby teeth that are capped in silver need to be extracted, the only problem is my son is beside himself at the thought of the dentist's needle.
A few days ago the dentist told him to wiggle wiggle wiggle! That the tooth needed to be out by his next visit in 6 weeks, or she would have to pull it.

My son is so desperately afraid of the dental needle to numb the gum he is digging and gouging at his baby tooth and it is not budging.
The gum is becoming infected because he is scraping and tearing at it, and his bathroom sink is looking like something from a horror movie.

IV sedation (where an oral surgeon and an anesthesiologist put a patient under) is not possible because he had it two years ago to remove another retained baby tooth and he had a bad reaction necessitating the assistance of paramedics because the anesthesiologist couldn't roust him after he went under... Not doing that again.

I've tried explaining to him that the pain he is causing his mouth right now is alot worse than what the needle stick will feel like but he is having none of it.

For two days he's come to me crying and shaking for hours on end. He's digging in his mouth and gums because he is terrified of the dental needle and I just don't know what to do.

My son has special educational needs and is just about on par with his peers, but while he is 14, he is about as mature as an 11-12 year old developmentally.

He sees a psychiatrist for his ADHD so I was considering asking her what she thinks?

I knew this sounds so trivial but I honestly don't know what to do to help him.

Would I be unreasonable to lie to him and tell him the destist said to stop wiggling the tooth and that it can fall out naturally, only to take him in 6 weeks and hope and PRAY talking him through the oral anesthesia will be possible?

There is no reason that tooth needs to be extracted, where are you in the world that straps children down? It will fall out eventually, yes it might be better to have it removed to make it easier to clean or very possibly for orthodontic reasons but it’s not something I would be putting my child through. Just tell him if it hasn’t fallen out in 6 weeks you can wait another 6 weeks (or months) for a review with the dentist.

Where are you that used to happened I have a 14 and 11 year old and that has never happened

you need to find a new dentist

Oh the adult tooth is growing underneath it but at an angle because the baby tooth is wedged. Oddly enough we were in America whenever the dentist would strap him down.

my God! In 2010 no dentist I know about was strapping kids down! Bloody hell.

id tell him the dentist said to leave it alone, and I’d look at working it through with his specialists in mental health.

You were in America but you are in the UK now? Or you are still there? I’ve never heard of that happening in the UK. If you’re still in the US can you find a different dentist? And make him gargle with salt water in the mean time to deal with the infection. They won’t want to do anything to it while it’s infected.

Still in US, yes. I did wonder about infection myself so will get him to gargle ASAP and definitely will drop a line to his psychiatrist.

Is it a capped back tooth? I've actually never heard of this procedure until now. I think your lying to him is actually justified in this circumstance, he sounds really distressed at the moment.

Yes it is a molar, a back tooth. Second from last plus his wisdom teeth have started pressing so undoubtedly there will be more work ahead.

A baby tooth has shallow roots. Could he have some numbing gel instead?

If it’s mobile now it will fall out eventually or leave it until he is a little bit older and can cope with treatment. If it’s wobbly now I doubt it’s wedging the adult tooth in but even if it is that’s not a big problem as long as he keeps it all clean. When I was in dental school over 20 years ago papoose boards and physical restraint was explained as a sort of theoretical/historical interest thing in the UK, also a sort of cautionary tale that it did still happen in other countries but that it frequently causes a dental phobia. Not your fault you trusted the clinician, and also not their fault as that’s what they were taught but has increased your son’s anxiety about dental treatment. Hope it falls out soon.

If you are in the US I'm surprised the dentist hasn't suggested nitrous. It's difficult to get in the UK but US dentists tend to offer it for everything.

I honestly don't know? Would that suffice considering it's kinda wedged? Maybe I'll talk to his dentist before hand and ask. That would alleviate his anxiety a lot.. Thank you.

This is with nitrous. He will have it but is not listening to a word i say.

Strapped down?

They didn't even do that in the 80s

Whatever dentist did you go to. Find another! I'm 30 off years old and never revived that sort of treatment.

Thank you so much. I am going to ask that it be examined again and ask if the tooth absolutely must come out in a dew weeks time or if it can wait even just a few months to loosen up on it's own.

Maybe I'm harsh but I'd be telling my DC, not a problem, have messed up teeth then and dont come complaining to me when your an adult

Both my DC have ADHD ( as do I ) and I really do understand the hyper focusing on the negative aspects of things but theres just no way I'd be pandering to this

Leave your mouth alone and stop coming crying to me about it is what I'd be saying

I don't think nitrous oxide is permitted now in UK dentists. I had an extraction under it aged about 10, having had a similar experience to op ds . Are there paediatric specialists he could be referred to?

Not harsh at all. I tell my other son that whenever he complains about maintenance for his braces... I tell him he's welcome and that I get the pleasure of paying 5000 for his teeth 😂 least he could do is,clean them.
Unfortunately my eldest son would be happy if he never visited the dentist again in his life.

Can completely understand why your son has tried hard to get it out after his recent appointment. I really hope it loosens up on its own. 🤞

She is the pediatric dentist. A very nice one. Sees all of or children.
The dentist who strapped him down was in another state. Haven't seen that dentist in many years.

Oh no that's not good. Do you have the funds to stretch to a sedation dental practice? My mom has horrible dental anxiety and it's the only way she can get dental work done. The dentists and staff are very patient and kind which helps a lot. The offices are also very calm and quiet - you can't hear the drills, etc in the waiting room.

Hopefully his psychiatrist will have some useful suggestions.

He can't have IV sedation, unfortunately. Bad reaction to it last time, and after that whenever his appendix ruptures.
We did used to go that route for him in the past. Can't risk it again 😔

Is conscious sedation not an option? My dd needed a tooth exposed and we went this route, she didn’t feel a thing but was awake throughout. They don’t fully sedate at the dental surgery here in the uk, that would require a hospital visit.

Former dental/needle phobe here. 100% recommend the numbing gel first, then the needle as you don't feel it - perhaps this would help his anxiety?