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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why I still think about my ex from time to time? Do you?

44 replies

RumBoat44 · 14/02/2024 16:57

Honestly I don't get it. We broke up like a year and 4 months ago, I'm over it and I've moved on.

It was absolutely brutal at the time though, heart absolutely shattered and never experienced anything like it. I've come to realise it's for the best at least a good 10 months ago now and happy in a relationship with someone else. Probably happier than when we were together really as the relationship had problems and probably wasn't the healthiest.

So why then, does this person continually pop up on my mind? Not daily or anything like that but I'd say probably weekly.. living rent free in my head without a trigger!

Is this normal, and do other people do this even though they've moved on, are happy, don't have any contact, don't want the person back and plan to never see them again?

It's not nice.. it's not like I'm all fuzzy happy when it comes up, I just feel awkward and uncomfortable and want to forget!

OP posts:
StonwEd · 14/02/2024 17:12

I’ve no idea. Left abusive awful ex 11 years ago. Been with lovely now husband for 10. No mutual friends but live vaguely close but haven’t seen him in years.
still crosses my mind at least monthly if not more. I hate him, I actually would like to hear he’d died so maybe that’s why.
doesn’t help but I get you!

Oganesson118 · 14/02/2024 17:14

I think it's normal. If someone is a big part of your life, arguably the biggest (?), for so many years, I think it would be weird if you never thought of them.

I haven't seen my ex for about 10 years now. But I do sometimes wonder what he's doing, and how he's getting along.

StonwEd · 14/02/2024 17:15

Oh and I still get anxiety dreams where I wake up and think we’ve slept together or got back together or I’ve cheated on my husband!! Horrid!

LilBus · 14/02/2024 17:15

Yes all the time but we have children and haven’t been with anyone since so a different situation to yours

DGPP · 14/02/2024 17:19

Yes

HollaHolla · 14/02/2024 17:22

Yeah. Weirdly, I've been thinking of mine almost daily, recently. We split up about 3.5 years ago, after 8 years together. I've not really dated anyone else. He has married someone, and they have the baby we couldn't have. Maybe I'm just wistful for what could have been (a LOT of fertility treatment remained unsuccessful), rather than him.
Might that be similiar for you?

Aquamarine1029 · 14/02/2024 17:24

Of course it's normal. Our brains aren't a flash drive we can just erase and write over.

EmpressSoleil · 14/02/2024 17:36

I have an ex from oh about 16 years ago now. I've had relationships since (although am single now). One of which was longer than I was with that ex. Yet every now and then I have this nightmare that we're back together! I think because it took me so long to extricate myself from that relationship, and I was so relieved when I finally did. I wake up feeling genuinely relieved it was just a bad dream! Others I will have fleeting thoughts about every now and then. I think it's normal.

Yetanothernewname101 · 14/02/2024 18:19

Well until I read your post, I'd not thought about the very ex husband for a long time. The abusive ex who succeeded him, who I still fear and essentially am still in hiding from 20 years later, I do a check of social media to make sure I'm safe and no mutual friends have snuck in probably every couple of months.

Original poster
RumBoat44 · 14/02/2024 18:20

StonwEd · 14/02/2024 17:15

Oh and I still get anxiety dreams where I wake up and think we’ve slept together or got back together or I’ve cheated on my husband!! Horrid!

I have similar dreams like this.. or dreams we are back in each others lives on some level too. I find it a bit traumatising to be honest!

Sounds like it's fairly normal then.. relationships prior to this one weren't as emotionally intense, I guess maybe I wasn't in love with anyone before him, not at the level we had. But again, I think that was also unhealthy.

I think it's also because he seemed to always be the one more into me than I him, he was so emotional and jealous and just seemed to idolise me.. so when it blew up and it was due to him that it did, it made no sense.

Sometimes I wonder if I need a therapist if it still ends up on my mind somehow but it's reassuring to know others have similar experiences.

OP posts:
muddyford · 14/02/2024 18:22

Yes, I think about XH, especially on his birthday and what was our wedding anniversary and I have been married to DH for nearly three decades. And I think about my first serious boyfriend from my late teens.

BobbyBiscuits · 14/02/2024 18:25

I have nightmares recurrently about all the abusive ones. PTSD symptoms big time. But I'm sure for you it's just because you remember them in your dreams, rather than anything meaningful. Plus if you start telling people about your dreams they will glaze over with boredom. Believe me I've tried, lol.

Original poster
RumBoat44 · 14/02/2024 18:34

BobbyBiscuits · 14/02/2024 18:25

I have nightmares recurrently about all the abusive ones. PTSD symptoms big time. But I'm sure for you it's just because you remember them in your dreams, rather than anything meaningful. Plus if you start telling people about your dreams they will glaze over with boredom. Believe me I've tried, lol.

I hope so. The dream thing is less often but more detailed when it does happen, thankfully only now and again.

But the fleeting thought of them in my mind is what's more recurring.. just randomly things come into my head not even a memory just a wondering or maybe analysing back on something.

I'm sorry that you have such crappy reminders of yours 😞

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 14/02/2024 18:39

@RumBoat44 Thanks for your kind words. It's totally normal to think about people from your past, almost by accident/ go through convos etc. I do it a lot. It seems I have an amazing selective memory for men that are arses, but don't know what day it is half the time, lol.
Do not worry about it : )

JerkintheMerkin · 14/02/2024 18:45

Aquamarine1029 · 14/02/2024 17:24

Of course it's normal. Our brains aren't a flash drive we can just erase and write over.

More's the pity Grin

OhRightyThen · 14/02/2024 18:48

Yes absolutely and I've been with DH for decades. It's bizarre but I guess normal!

Ellieshome · 14/02/2024 18:50

I split up with my ex 15 years ago. I still think about him at least once a week. Certain things remind me, a song, a place, even though it seems a lifetime ago.

I'm married, have another dc, would never want to be with ex in any way. It's just memories.

SnapdragonToadflax · 14/02/2024 18:51

I think it's very normal. It's just your brain processing stuff, you can't really control what it thinks about. And there will always be things that remind you of him, like anyone you've spent a significant amount of time with.

My last ex is from nearly 20 years so but he still pops into my head quite regularly - probably every few weeks? I've no interest in him or what he's doing, but I can't just delete him from existence.

Ellieshome · 14/02/2024 18:53

I do also have dreams, or you could say nightmares! That we got back together, slept together or some other horror.

I did have a child with my ex though and a bit of a traumatic time. A couple of other boyfriends rarely cross my mind.

I guess if someone has been a big part of your life you don't forget easily.

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 14/02/2024 18:54

Divorced early eighties. No contact for most of that time.
On the rare occasions I think about him, he still has the capacity to make me angry.

Callmecynical · 14/02/2024 18:55

I've no immediately relevant experience but I lost my dad a couple of years ago and I do have daily thoughts along the lines of what he would have liked/thought. I wonder if it's a sort of bereavement and coming to terms with the new state of things?

WinterLobelia · 14/02/2024 18:58

I met dh 20 years ago. So that tells you my ex was even longer ago than that. I still think of him. He was abusive and damaged me for a long time. I have flashbacks fairly regularly. There are foods I can’t eat because of a bad memory and I still put my clothes on in the order the ex dictated me to do ( because he was a controlling fuck) I’d be thrilled if I heard he had died.

I have a great marriage and dh is the love of my life. But some things stick when you were emotionally entangled.

flotsomandjetsome · 14/02/2024 19:07

Totally normal I think. I've been with DH for over 30 years, but have thought of my Ex occasionally throughout that time. Mostly fondly, wondering what if, and hoping he has a good life. (Never saw him again after I walked away in 1993!)

I always remind myself that I am comparing a middle age mundane life with the hedonistic days of youth, so I don't get hung up on it. I'm happy and I hope he is too.

Original poster
RumBoat44 · 14/02/2024 20:13

WinterLobelia · 14/02/2024 18:58

I met dh 20 years ago. So that tells you my ex was even longer ago than that. I still think of him. He was abusive and damaged me for a long time. I have flashbacks fairly regularly. There are foods I can’t eat because of a bad memory and I still put my clothes on in the order the ex dictated me to do ( because he was a controlling fuck) I’d be thrilled if I heard he had died.

I have a great marriage and dh is the love of my life. But some things stick when you were emotionally entangled.

I totally relate. There is still the odd song I automatically skip once it comes on even now, it's like I can't detach it from the memory, which is a real shame as I really like the songs! Just can't bare listening to them as it takes me right back to a past I don't want to relive.

OP posts:
Chanhedforthis · 14/02/2024 20:28

Yes, been happy with DH for 8 years but still think about ex. He sadly died from cancer last year, wish i said goodbye.