Advice please- close friend & (STB Ex) husband problem

[Robin198]

Context- I've changed my username but have posted for a while about issues with my husband.

My husband has an issue that impacts our family. Let's say it's gambling (it's not). I've posted about my concerns and the way it impacts me/DC on here and had some very good advice & opinions, thank you for that.

Last week I asked him to move out. He has and I'm starting to feel more settled every day. I'm getting into a routine and moving forward, slowly but I can am generally in a good place.

I started to tell close friends and the general reaction has been "we could sense something was wrong", "lovely guy but big issues and you've totally done the right thing" etc. As you'd hope from your close friends.

I told a very close friend who I love, admire and spend a lot of time with a few days ago ( she is very much my friend and not a friend of my husband, we don'y do couple nights etc). She started crying and confided that her DH has the same issue, it's been ongoing for 15 years. We talked at length, gave mutual support etc. She was hopeful as he's started therapy and she thinks they've turned a corner. Asked if my husband had tried this, I said yes, multiple times but didn't stick it. She said this had been the pattern for them too but this new style was working and for 4 months- no gambling. She asked if I thought it would work for my husband. I explained that for my own sanity I had to understand that my sphere of influence doesn't involve his choices. He makes his choices and I can only control how I respond. I was explicit that I don't want any part in his 'recovery' as that's for him and I'm focusing on me and DC.

She has since messaged me to say she contacted my husband to offer him help. He's going to see her this week.

I'm really unsure how to go forward. I know she did this from a good place as she has a heart of gold. I also know she'll be seeking to validate the 'therapy' her DH is using. That's fine but I feel a bit uneasy about this. I feel slightly betrayed, even if it was in the best of intentions. This is intensified by the fact they don't have a friendship, they know each other, can chat when we bump into each other but I am very much the link.

Well done for getting this far. All advice appreciated, even if this means I am being over sensitive and to get a grip!

I put YABU but I imagine this situation must be so hard for you. I think if there is support out there that is currently working for her husband, then I can understand her wanting to tell your husband about it. I think if her involvement in this turned out to be ongoing however, I would probably have to back off from the friendship as the last thing you'd need is a friend getting involved with his problems. Good luck with moving forward.

I can understand it feels bit weird that she reached out to him. She really should have asked you if she could do so and if it would be appropriate.
I would say that she's done it now. It could be that her 'method' will help him beat his addiction. But that is a matter for him.
Do you feel like if he did beat his issue, then you would want him back? Remember if he does beat it, he could easily still relapse as I'm sure you know.
Distance yourself for now and tell your friend you understand she's trying to be helpful and whatnot, but you don't want to be involved in hearing about his struggles anymore as that's the reason why you chucked him out! I wouldn't fall out with her over it though.

I've had 4 years of relapses. It has taken a lot for me to make this decision.

@Robin198 I can well imagine. You have made the right one and stick to it. If he can get better through this scheme your mate is so keen on, then good. But it's not your problem anymore. Well done. I know how hard it is to make decisions like this.

Going forward she would be kept at arms length with the diet of least information... Tbh she has betrayed your trust. How can you confide in her about anything now?

Well done for making the decision to go and sticking with it.

I think your friend is stupid to do this and I wonder if she's repeating a pattern with her husband and adding in your ex! You must feel like she thinks she can fix him where you couldn't. However I would say to her straight - 'you can do this if you want. Please don't tell me the details as I know the decision I have made is the best one for all of us and I need the strength to stick to it now.'

That's a really useful way of phrasing how I feel, thank you.

I don’t recall any of your previous threads but congratulations on leaving your husband. I bet there has been a lot of pain in your past brought about by his actions and I’m sure it was a difficult step to take.

This would feel like a betrayal to me and I think it is more about her validating her own choices than helping your (ex) husband.

I would like to think that if I told my friends about a monumental decision and turning point in my life, that had been so difficult and painful to reach, that their focus would be on supporting me.

I would like to think that they have extremely careful consideration into any handling of it, as I would be at a low and possibly in a fragile state.

Your husband is a mere distant acquaintance of hers so why should she involve herself in his issues any more so than any other acquaintance?

I think I would distance myself from her.

I would also add that if she is a very good friend then hopefully you will be able to continue being friends in the long run but right now, I don’t think she is going to be the right person to support you through this change in your life because of her own personal situation.

and she has already proven this, as it is not helping you right now, rather giving you more to contend with.

Hmm. You have every right to feel uneasy about this. She has her own reasons for involving herself, undoubtedly coming from a positive and well meaning place.

However it’s unhelpful for you and almost certainly her and her husband as well. She’s unintentionally undermined the decision you have made.

That said, if I were you I’d acknowledge it internally, make the comment a PP shared about not wanting to hear any details, and let it go.

Whether you are able to maintain the friendship will become apparent with time. She may be able to continue being your friend without passing information back and forth. You’ll have to remind her though, and perhaps consider how far you trust her to manage to maintain those boundaries.

That’s what it is- a boundary you need to put in place to allow you and the DC to move forward. She needs to think about whether she can honour it.

YANBU. There are all sorts of things wrong with this.

Firstly, she's overstepping to be getting this involved in your marriage. You have made a decision (correctly) to leave your husband and you have also (correctly) told her that your marriage is over and you need to focus on yourself and the DC. But your friend isn't respecting that. She's just banging about your husband and his needs, and making you go over old ground that isn't remotely helpful for you. She may indeed be well-meaning, but she's not respecting your decisions and she's not accepting that you know your marriage and your husband better than she does. It's not her place to badger you about your husband's recovery.

Secondly, she doesn't even really know your husband, and her level of interest in fixing his issues is a bit weird given that you are (correctly) leaving him regardless of his recovery efforts. She sounds like one of those people who feeds off 'saving' people and feeling smug about what a good person she is, while secretly thriving on the angst and emotional stuff.

Thirdly, she is not a therapist. Just because her own husband is in therapy, that doesn't fucking qualify her to offer your husband help or advise him in any way. Fine to say 'My DH is having this type of therapy and it's really helpful, happy to give your STBX the therapist's details if you think it would help'. But inviting him to go and see her - an unqualified person whose sole experience is with one person who is her own husband and who has actually only been in recovery for four months anyway - for help and advice is not sensible or appropriate.

I appreciate she is a close friend and you say she means well but I think perhaps her motives are (even if she isn't conscious of it) not really about helping but about making herself feel good about herself by positioning herself in the role of the saintly, caring person who mends people. I would be massively uncomfortable with her carry-on if I were in your position and I'd be taking a big step back from her.

You sum up how I'm feeling.

I honestly don't doubt her intentions as she is such a good soul but right now her intentions and my needs don't match up.

I wouldn't like this at all

Her actions are in line with what would be called co-dependent behaviour. She clearly has a strong investment in wanting to believe her DH can heal and the idea that perhaps he cannot, and your husband is evidence of this, has made her want to jump in and start controlling the outcome for your DH, so she can feel better about the prospects for her own relationship. Ultimately this is sad, but also inappropriate of her. Not much you can do but I wouldn't be sharing anything further with her, and I'd be making it clear it's not appropriate for her to share anything he says with you.

She may be on her own journey in terms of grief about her own relationship and sounds like she is denial and desperate to 'make it work', so much so that she's extended that to you. People who are secure in their life choices don't feel the need to push them on to others or to convert or try and help other people with their stuff. So if anything, I'd see her actions as affirmation that you HAVE made the right choice, you've agonised over this and decided enough is enough and there is a strength and calmness in that which should be applauded. Well done.

Why isn't it her husband who's the one approaching your husband and hoping they can both overcome whatever it is?

She has a saviour complex and should focus on her own disintegrating family rather than on trying to save your husband.

My husband and hers have only met a handful of times. They don't really know each other. I think they might recognise each other if passing but wouldn't stop for a chat.

Then actually her husband's in pretty much the same position that she is. OK she might say hello to your husband in passing, but she doesn't know him.

This sounds very hurtful. You have confided in your friend and trusted that she will support you and put your needs first. Instead your friend has projected her hopes of saving/fixing her own husband onto your situation, and in doing so she has not listened to you, has interfered without your consent, and has not respected your knowledge, feelings and decisions.

She is indirectly suggesting that you have given up on your husband too soon, or that a meeting with her will get through to him more than four years of effort from you!

Have you thought about saying to her that although she means well, you don’t want her to interfere in what is a sensitive situation and you would like her to cancel the meeting with your ex husband? Is that what you would like, for them not to meet?

Well I would be absolutely furious and tell.her straight how inappropriate it was to contact him after you confided in her. It's zero to do with her, and she's broken your trust. I wouldn't be able to trust her again and would be distancing myself from her.

I would be absolutely fucking furious. How dare she inject herself into your relationship with your husband, which is exactly what she is doing. Does she fancy herself to be some sort of rehab for broken men? She doesn't have enough of her own shit to deal with? She hasn't just crossed a line, she's annihilated it.

I would not be able to move past this.

It's the hope that's the worst of it.

I would take a similar approach to you in this situation. He cannot be your priority now and if he does recover fantastic, but I fully understand you not wanting to be part of that. You've tried for long enough & I'm sure it must have been very draining.

She doesn't seem to be as far down the road as you and is desperately clinging to the optimistic hope that someday it will all be better.

She may even but proven right in time and I hope she is but I wouldn't share her viewpoint. The stats aren't in her favour.

Neither of you are wrong. I just suspect you are letting your head & logic guide you. She is using her heart & hope guide her.

It's not the meeting- it's more that she arranged it in the first place and then told me.
If, a year down the line, my husband had resolved his issues as a result of help offered to him I would honestly be delighted for him. I hope he does seek help. Right now though, I don't want to be a part of that.

It's possible that you being strong enough to end your relationship is very confronting for her - she knows deep down that she should also leave but can't. So to avoid these feelings she is switching to trying to fix your husband, to reassure herself that she is making the right choice by staying in her marriage.
Her actions are not about what's going on with your marriage and are all about what's happening in her marriage being projected onto your situation.
It is hurtful and confusing for you, but I would suggest that you take some deep breaths and do your best to ignore it and see how things play out. In time she may realise how inappropriate she is being and still be able to be there for you as a friend, or she may not - cross that bridge when you come to it.
Right now focus on yourself and your kids. Well done for doing what you have done!

I actually think you’re under-reacting OP, I’d be furious. Your friend has no real prior relationship with your partner and on being told you’ve made the difficult and brave decision to put yourself and your children first, she inserts herself into the situation to support HIM?! I’d be totally withdrawing from the friendship, her priorities are all wrong.