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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advice please- close friend & (STB Ex) husband problem

40 replies

Robin198 · 14/02/2024 11:14

Context- I've changed my username but have posted for a while about issues with my husband.

My husband has an issue that impacts our family. Let's say it's gambling (it's not). I've posted about my concerns and the way it impacts me/DC on here and had some very good advice & opinions, thank you for that.

Last week I asked him to move out. He has and I'm starting to feel more settled every day. I'm getting into a routine and moving forward, slowly but I can am generally in a good place.

I started to tell close friends and the general reaction has been "we could sense something was wrong", "lovely guy but big issues and you've totally done the right thing" etc. As you'd hope from your close friends.

I told a very close friend who I love, admire and spend a lot of time with a few days ago ( she is very much my friend and not a friend of my husband, we don'y do couple nights etc). She started crying and confided that her DH has the same issue, it's been ongoing for 15 years. We talked at length, gave mutual support etc. She was hopeful as he's started therapy and she thinks they've turned a corner. Asked if my husband had tried this, I said yes, multiple times but didn't stick it. She said this had been the pattern for them too but this new style was working and for 4 months- no gambling. She asked if I thought it would work for my husband. I explained that for my own sanity I had to understand that my sphere of influence doesn't involve his choices. He makes his choices and I can only control how I respond. I was explicit that I don't want any part in his 'recovery' as that's for him and I'm focusing on me and DC.

She has since messaged me to say she contacted my husband to offer him help. He's going to see her this week.

I'm really unsure how to go forward. I know she did this from a good place as she has a heart of gold. I also know she'll be seeking to validate the 'therapy' her DH is using. That's fine but I feel a bit uneasy about this. I feel slightly betrayed, even if it was in the best of intentions. This is intensified by the fact they don't have a friendship, they know each other, can chat when we bump into each other but I am very much the link.

Well done for getting this far. All advice appreciated, even if this means I am being over sensitive and to get a grip!

OP posts:
DottieMoon · 14/02/2024 14:53

I do not think you are over reacting at all. Although as you said, she is doing this from a good place, however it is completely out of order that she didn't check with you first. I would be furious and also feel betrayed. This is crossing a line and I would find it very difficult to move forward with the friendship.

If anything, she has completely no consideration for your feeling here, this is very new and you're going through alot. It sounds like she is desperate to fix him in order to prove she can fix her own DH. Regardless, you are her friend, not him and she's totally by passed your feelings in this situation.

Have you told her how you feel?

Duckingella · 14/02/2024 15:00

She probably doesn't want to end up single and sees you not being able to fix the your DH's issues and is terrified it's going to happen to her so she's projecting massively and overstepping.

She's not yet accepted that women are not rehab centres for broken men children who need to sort their own shit out.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 14/02/2024 15:06

I'd back away from the friend. She's too caught up in being the Saviour and that creates a complete conflict of interest between you, your ex, her and her husband - who might not appreciate her having private meetings with your ex, irrespective of him also having the same issue (which she hasn't 'fixed' in fifteen years - because it's impossible, frankly).

You do not want to be dragged into a potential affair/utter clusterfuck situation and, like with your ex, you did not cause, create or cure the issue, so you're going to have to leave them to get on with it.

BoohooWoohoo · 14/02/2024 15:08

Are you sure that she’s got a good heart?
As an outsider it looks like she wants validation that she’s making the right decision of staying by proving that people with that issue can be fixed. It’s one thing for her to support her h while he tries the fix but completely inappropriate that she’s trying to fix your ex too.
FWIW I think that you’ve made the right decision and that this friend is prioritising her need for validation through rescuing without considering your feelings. I think that she’s massively overstepped and would not discuss the topic of my ex or the rescue therapy in future.

cheddercherry · 14/02/2024 15:16

Sounds like she needs to “fix” your husband to prove to herself that hers can be fixed also.

I think she was wrong to contact him without giving you a heads up first and I’d just be clear that while you still value her friendship you need some clear boundaries for your own sanity going forward (like her not parroting his apparent “recovery” back to you at every turn) and she’s massively overstepped what you need at the moment.

I’m sure she’s a nice person but very much she’s choosing herself over you in this situation. I’d understand more if you’d all been close friends and she was trying to help him too, but since she’s primarily your friend and barely knows him then she’s really just trying to benefit from your issues and prove that her own husband isn’t a mess also, at the expense over throwing her closeness with you under the bus.

Lillers · 14/02/2024 15:18

I think I would respond with something like, “I appreciate that you’re attempting to do a good thing; please respect that I am no longer invested in his recovery and am focusing solely on moving forward for me and DC. Please don’t give him any ideas that recovering would be a way back for us, because that would be deeply unfair to him and to me and my children.”

Maybe not exactly that, but I do think it’s important to let her know that she can’t be telling him that recovering might fix his marriage, because I can 100% imagine that she might say something like this to get him on board with this method.

BananaSpanner · 14/02/2024 15:23

Lillers · 14/02/2024 15:18

I think I would respond with something like, “I appreciate that you’re attempting to do a good thing; please respect that I am no longer invested in his recovery and am focusing solely on moving forward for me and DC. Please don’t give him any ideas that recovering would be a way back for us, because that would be deeply unfair to him and to me and my children.”

Maybe not exactly that, but I do think it’s important to let her know that she can’t be telling him that recovering might fix his marriage, because I can 100% imagine that she might say something like this to get him on board with this method.

I agree, I think she believes she can save your marriage and if she thinks she can, I bet she discusses it with your husband.

Moreorlessmentallystable · 14/02/2024 16:35

So she has not had enough trying to save her own husband, she now wants to save yours too? It's disrespectful to the friendship specially when you told her you don't want any involvement in his recovery and you are ready to move on.I would keep her at arms length.

momonpurpose · 14/02/2024 16:59

I think she has massively overstepped and if it was me the friendship would never be the same.

Mortimermay · 14/02/2024 17:08

I may be misreading your post but your husband is meeting up with your friend? Or the therapist? Aside from the fact that it's bad enough that your friend has hugely overstepped here by involving herself in your situation, I'm really confused about why your husband would have to meet up with her? I could just about understand if she had contacted him to say here are the details of a therapist my husband is seeing, but I'm really at a loss as to why it involves your husband having to meet up with her to discuss it. That sounds really strange.
I would advise you to be very clear with your friend that you don't want to know anything about what is going on with your husband from now on. I'd also advise you to keep a distance from her. It all sounds very very strange. I'm not really sure what your friend is hoping to achieve or why she has inserted herself in the middle of this as some sort of expert. Whatever she's up to, it's not with your best interests at heart.

Original poster
Robin198 · 14/02/2024 18:57

Mortimermay · 14/02/2024 17:08

I may be misreading your post but your husband is meeting up with your friend? Or the therapist? Aside from the fact that it's bad enough that your friend has hugely overstepped here by involving herself in your situation, I'm really confused about why your husband would have to meet up with her? I could just about understand if she had contacted him to say here are the details of a therapist my husband is seeing, but I'm really at a loss as to why it involves your husband having to meet up with her to discuss it. That sounds really strange.
I would advise you to be very clear with your friend that you don't want to know anything about what is going on with your husband from now on. I'd also advise you to keep a distance from her. It all sounds very very strange. I'm not really sure what your friend is hoping to achieve or why she has inserted herself in the middle of this as some sort of expert. Whatever she's up to, it's not with your best interests at heart.

He's meeting with the friend so she can talk him through the approach her husband is taking. Her husband might be there too, I'm not sure as I've not asked for specific details.

OP posts:
Tiggermom · 14/02/2024 19:04

Ridiculous - she needs to concentrate on saving her DH-not someone else’s.

goingdownfighting · 14/02/2024 19:06

My response would be 'good luck with that' and carry on. If she wants to glory help him that's fine, but yes she needs to leave you out of it as you need to move on.

I'm sure it will impact your friendship though so be prepared to have to distance yourself. Which is a shame but you need to look after yourself.

RawBloomers · 14/02/2024 19:13

Is she offering you any support, OP?

What would annoy me about her approach (at least as I understand it from this thread) is that she seems keener to help your DH than you. However well intentioned and kind-souled she is, that’s just not what you want from a friend.

What you need is someone to tell you it’s okay to break up over this. That you are right to stay strong about it and not spend more of your life trying to fix him. I get that that’s hard for her if she’s still stuck in fix mode, but as a friend she shouldn’t be actively undermining your resolve like this.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/02/2024 20:43

Robin198 · 14/02/2024 18:57

He's meeting with the friend so she can talk him through the approach her husband is taking. Her husband might be there too, I'm not sure as I've not asked for specific details.

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Are you not going to tell her how massively inappropriate and intrusive this is?

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