To say I need to move?

[Itsapinapplesebastian]

I don't think IABU here but this is absolutely consuming my every thought at the moment so I think I need some outside perspective.

Been with DP almost 9yrs. We have 2 DC - 6 and 5. Mortgaged home which we've lived in almost 6 years. Mortgage is just under £1k a month now (recently gone up).

I'm really struggling to get by. The last few years I've worked almost full time, but generally low paid 2+ jobs to fit around children. My savings are depleted and I've now got debts. I've just started a new FT job in my industry which is better pay but I'm on the back foot. It's going to be at least 2 years probably before I've cleared my debts if I spend frugally.

We've always split household bills 50/50 (hence why I burned through my savings on mat leave and in low paid work) and I just feel so done. I feel financially exhausted.

DP loves this house and it's 'potential' but I don't feel I can afford to live here any more. We probably have about £150k in equity which would mean we could put a nice deposit down on a cheaper place and split some of it so I can pay off my debts with 'my half'.

Is this a reasonable thing to ask? I feel so constantly worried about money I just don't know any more.

Do you pay 50/50 relative to your income? If not, that's the main issue, if DP earns more, he needs to pay more...

If you are splitting bills 50/50 is your after tax income also the same?

Sit down with your DP. Why did you ‘burn’ through savings? Does DP earn more, and could contribute more?
DW earns more and pays proportionally more towards all our costs - bill, mortgage, hols etc - particularly as Inam a lower earner after years of part time work around kids.
On maternity leave DW pay all bills.

Both our salaries go into our accounts, then we pay into a joint acct which takes care of all family bills. We keep a similar amount of money for ourselves ( DW keeps a bit more)

But as she earns 2 x my salary she pays 2 x towards our family bills. Our money is shared.

Surely you and dp should be supporting each other financially when you have a mortgage and 2children together.
Or time to have a conversation about sharing income rather than moving? Seems very drastic.

Does DP also have debts?

What is the income disparity between you and DP? When you were providing childcare for him (for free) why did he not step up and cover a greater proportion? It's mad that he'd let you struggle as a result of your joint children.

Sorry we keep separate finances and pay 50/50 of all shared bills. When we met we were earning similar but I was made redundant when pregnant with first DC. I lived off my savings during back-to-back 'mat leaves' then went back to work PT gradually increasing where I could. His income is now approx £30k, mines been approx £15-22k. My new job is £30k but he's in discussions about a promotion which will be £40k. So he doesn't have to worry like I do.

DH and I have never mixed money but split bills accordingly. I have retired now so whilst I have a decent pension I have taken a hit. He is paying more now. Burning through savings does not sound right at all.

Can you afford the mortgage between you if you weren't 50/50? We've always paid into a joint account and given ourselves a small allowance. Our income (both) was family money.
Neither of you are being unfair. You don't want the financial cost, he doesn't want to pay more. You really need to get agreement from him on the way forward.

If you earn less than DP, you shouldn't be paying 50/50. I can't believe your DP could sit back letting you worry, burn through savings and get into debt when they know you can't actually afford to do that. If your DP earns for example, £60k p/a but you earn £20k p/a you only earn a third of what your DP does, so you should only pay a third of the bills.

You have kids together. You're a family unit meant to be looking after each other. You're well out of the dating stage of splitting the restaurant bill equally!

I couldn't be with someone who insisted I pay exactly half of everything even though they know I can't afford to. That's not a partnership.

He needs to pay a much bigger proportion than you if you decide not to mix money. DH offered to mix money but I didn’t want to.

I see you are not married. He will be accumulating a much better pension than you and far more savings.

You are in literally the shittest financial position possible for a woman with children and a partner. Whose name is on the mortgage? Please say both.

You earn less than your DH because you need to fit around your children, but he doesn't have this same restriction so he is getting promoted. You had to use savings to pay your half of the bills whilst on mat leave?! Sorry but the main problem here is not your lack of income, but actually your DH acting incredibly selfishly.

He's your life partner so he should be sharing your worries. Work out his proportion of the bills, sounds like he should be paying more based on income alone. The children are a joint venture and he really should have supported you more financially. The burden shouldn't be all yours. I hope you win the lottery and and hang to your money!

Sorry, I've just realised you're not married either - honestly this is not a good position for you to be in. You need to talk to your DP

Yes, there's your problem OP - why the hell did you have to use all your savings to support your mat leaves when presumably taking mat leave saved childcare costs on a child for both of you.

What impact did you taking mat leave have on your DP finances? It should have impacted on you both equally.

As a pp says you are a family and as such resources such as finances should be shared. Not one of you struggling while the other pays 50% knowing they earn more.

My now DH has always out earned me - not by that much at the start, but now significantly. Even in the early days of our relationship we split bills proportionally to our income. This was without children or without me earning less due to mat leave etc - he just felt that it was the fair thing to do and realised our relationship would be pretty shit if he had tons of disposable income while I had none.

It astounds me that your DP hasn't come to that realisation 2 children down the line.

Don't understand this at all.. you have a partner.. children together.. a house together.. it's all yours together.. not his and hers.
You support each other.
Is it a new thing to be together yet live single?

You shouldn’t be splitting expenses 50/50 - it should be a percentage based on income after tax. So you still paid 50/50 when you were on maternity leave and your partner thought this was fair? You need to be having a frank conversation with your partner!

So you were on mat leave with your mutual kids and he didn’t add more financially? Are you feeling that this is fair?

Why on earth are you paying 50/50

Your "DP" is a selfish dickhead

Even before we were married me and DH split the household bills according to income

Why on earth are you paying 50/50 for bills when you don't earn 50/50?!? That's ludicrous!

You need to sit down and discuss a FAIR way to pay. If you can't communicate about money they you don't have much of a relationship.

It isn't YOUR debt. It's a joint debt.

Agree with others above, you have taken maternity leave to care for you and your partner's child therefore enabling him to keep on earning full time during that time period. If you earn less- partly due to childcare responsibilities -you should be paying less in bills proportionally.
Definitely make sure both names are on the house. There is no way that you should be burning through savings and getting into debt whilst he is filling his boots.

Eeee that's not a fair way of splitting your bills. Only I saved for my maternity leaves and we do 50/50 bills BUT I'm the higher earner and when working I also pick up the costs for our holidays and the kids presents, clothes, parties etc. this leaves a fairly level playing field for both of us in terms of "disposable" money each. you need a frank conversation on how you both clear the debt accumulated while you were on maternity and in lower pay, and how to fairly split (or share if that works for you) the total household income going forwards so you have equal access to funds without either of you running up debt. It shouldn't all be on you.

So having children has penalised you massively whilst he's benefitted from your flexibility and sacrifice? Fuck that. Your problem isn't the mortgage but your partner. Time for a serious talk and if he can't see your point, I'd be moving out.. without him

You are struggling to get by because by you paying for your mat leaves and working low paid jobs around the children you have put your kids first.

Your DH is not supporting you and this is not fair.

The person who has spent time looking after the kids should be supported.

If you are not married and not on the mortgage you have very little leverage other than trying to persuade him to do the right thing.

Given his previous behaviour he is clearly happy to exploit you so I doubt he'll do the right thing.