To say I need to move?

[Itsapinapplesebastian]

I don't think IABU here but this is absolutely consuming my every thought at the moment so I think I need some outside perspective.

Been with DP almost 9yrs. We have 2 DC - 6 and 5. Mortgaged home which we've lived in almost 6 years. Mortgage is just under £1k a month now (recently gone up).

I'm really struggling to get by. The last few years I've worked almost full time, but generally low paid 2+ jobs to fit around children. My savings are depleted and I've now got debts. I've just started a new FT job in my industry which is better pay but I'm on the back foot. It's going to be at least 2 years probably before I've cleared my debts if I spend frugally.

We've always split household bills 50/50 (hence why I burned through my savings on mat leave and in low paid work) and I just feel so done. I feel financially exhausted.

DP loves this house and it's 'potential' but I don't feel I can afford to live here any more. We probably have about £150k in equity which would mean we could put a nice deposit down on a cheaper place and split some of it so I can pay off my debts with 'my half'.

Is this a reasonable thing to ask? I feel so constantly worried about money I just don't know any more.

Thank you for the replies. I'm a very passive person generally and I've let life happen at my financial expense. I raised the unfairness of the mat leaves recently and he laughed at me. This is absolutely consuming my every thought at the moment because I don't see a way out. Before children we said we'd combine finances if we ever got married or had children but it's never happened. We were engaged but I removed my ring recently. I don't really know if there's any coming back from it to be honest I just feel so used and very resentful of him being offered a promotion.
My savings have diminished and my pension contributions have been nil/reduced for years.

Just say to him that divorce/ splitting up will cost him much more than sharing finances with you. What did you do when he laughed at you?

Well, it won't because they're not married.

I feel for you OP.

But we see this story here all the time with women who are not married to the father of their children.

Expected to take the hit on their career for the kids but not compensated in any way and often left short while DP goes on golf trips.

50/50 finances is often a trap

You’ve made yourself incredibly vulnerable. See these threads all the time! They should be compulsory reading for anyone having a child with someone they’re not married to tbh. Sounds like the mortgage isn’t the issue, your deadbeat baby daddy is!

He laughed at you when you pointed out the unfairness of you paying half the bills when you took mat leave to look after HIS children....? This has enraged me 😡 honestly I'm so sorry you're in this situation, your partner sounds like an absolute bellend. Hopefully he's just a bit oblivious, rather than deliberately taking advantage and controlling.
How do you pay bills, is it out of a joint account? If yes, I'd just amend the standing order so that you're paying less in and tell him he needs to pay more because he has a lot more income than you. If he disagrees you really need to decide if you want to stay with him. Sorry, it's hard to hear, but this situation will only get worse unfortunately. I know you said you're passive, but if this is consuming your thoughts then you can't be happy - you should not be suffering because of your partner ffs (give me his number and I'll tell him if you want!! The selfish twat!)

Your partner is a financially abusive arsehole. And you shouldn't have taken off that engagement ring but pushed for a speedy wedding instead, at the registry office if necessary. Given the way you're describing him, might be more realistic to achieve than hoping for a rational discussion and recalibration of your mutual finances. You can still LTB, but preferably after you're hitched.

Did you not have this conversation at all OP when you got pregnant? Or did you think you could manage and you've buried your head in the sand until it's all got too much? Either way his response now to what should have been standard practice as soon as you were forced into less income is disgusting.

Why don't you just stop paying? or significantly reduce your share? He's not the boss of you, he doesn't get to solely dictate how your finances are split, so stop paying your share until you've cleared your debts that have accrued, if you can't afford it you can't afford it.

Don't ask him, bloody tell him what's happening, stop being so passive, that is 100% what has got you in a mess in the first place.

Well your DO has a choice, you can either move to a new house within your means or he can start supporting the family properly. It’s absolute madness you used your savings to continue to pay 50% of the bills whilst you were on maternity leave.

what an absolute prick. I can’t believe someone would watch someone they love do this.

How much debt do you have and how much would it cost you to move ? Moving is VERY expensive. It's partly why old people don't downsize.

Is this a genuine thread?

I can't believe he made you use your savings when you're on maternity leave. I can't believe you split everything 50-50 when he earns so much more than you. you are not married and you don't have protection financially. Either he is incredibly thick or he knows damn well that this relationship is very very unequal.

That's not a relationship!

He is being financially abusive.

You may be a passive person, but you need to speak up for your rights. Either he pays his fair share and shares the finances fairly or he leaves/divorce.

He laughed?!!? WTAF!?? If my DH laughed at me when I brought up something like that, I'd leave him! Disrespectful tw*t!

Thank you all. I realise I need to stand up for myself more but it's easier said than done when you're a passive person and your DP is the complete opposite. I am sitting in my car a couple of miles from home reading your responses and psyching myself up. I really need to speak to him about some of these issues this weekend and I think his response will very much decide my next steps. I'm also going to speak to my sister, I haven't really spoken to anyone about it which is probably why I can think of nothing else.
This weekend for example, I am off (originally due to go on a hen do but I couldn't afford to) unpaid. He wants to do overtime Sunday and work on his cars all day Saturday. I text him at lunch asking if we could change plans so he looks after the children one day so I can list some stuff for sale on Vinted (literally to help me pay my bills!) And he asked me to ask my parents to have the children.
@jennylamb1 Yes. This is very much a genuine thread, I don't understand what someone would gain from pretending to be in this position? This is my life.

Good you are now looking at what is happening.You need to protect yourself and sort this.Your DP is putting himself first which is upsetting.You have just let him get away with this awful behaviour but you can change this.Is your mortgage in joint names and deposits ring fenced%? I wish you well.