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AIBU?

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Original poster

No concern over adults getting hurt?

49 replies

SilentSteps12 · 14/02/2024 10:00

hi everyone.
so today, my husband accidentally cut himself while trying to clear recycling and there was a bag of broken glass that he grabbed without knowing it was there. Took out a 5p size chunk off his skin and he bled quite a lot. He was panicking and shouting for me to get plaster or just do anything. I was keeping DS occupied when this happened so I was keeping an eye out for DS and trying to help my husband stop the bleeding. Once we got it covered with a plaster, he said that he might need stitches and he continued on and on and I was just looking at him thinking “what’s wrong with him?” Anyway, after calling to check with the clinic as to what to do, he drove himself to the urgent care at the hospital while I stayed at home and he was quite upset that I didn’t show a lot of concern for his injury.

Am I being unreasonable here? I don’t express concern when adults get hurt. I ask them if they’re okay and help them but that’s as far as I go. Babies, toddlers and children on the other hand I immediately run over to them and check their well being and ensuring that they are well in themselves. Like any mum would but I’m just not like that with the adults. I spent over 20 years helping to care for my dad who was constantly falling and getting ill before he died of cancer. I’ve seen many adults getting hurt on a regular basis and I’ve seen them die of natural causes. I’ve only ever seen two people get murdered in front of me and I don’t ever want to experience that again. But seriously, is there something wrong with me?

OP posts:
MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 14/02/2024 10:03

I’ve only ever seen two people get murdered in front of me
That sounds incredibly traumatic and I think may impact on your thinking. Have you spoken much about this?

SoRainbowRhythms · 14/02/2024 10:05

I'd be concerned if anybody of any age was hurt.

MissyB1 · 14/02/2024 10:05

If my dh got injured I would show concern and empathy, just like I would expect from him if I was hurt.

piglet81 · 14/02/2024 10:07

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 14/02/2024 10:03

I’ve only ever seen two people get murdered in front of me
That sounds incredibly traumatic and I think may impact on your thinking. Have you spoken much about this?

Yeah, I think this is the significant part of your post (esp as you seem to be glossing over such a massive thing). Have you had any support to deal with these traumas? Flowers

cariadlet · 14/02/2024 10:08

If my dp was injured, I would ask him if he was ok and what I could do to help.
I wouldn't take over in the way I did for dd when she was little but I love him so would express my concern and show that I cared.

stayathomer · 14/02/2024 10:08

I used to kind of be like this - kids ok, alls fine- but then over the years there’s been a few instances where eg dh was hurt and we left it and then he ended up in hospital or times I got sick, struggled through and ended up in hospital. Just think what you’d have done pre kids when it was all about you looking after yourself. Sorry you know anything to do with murder, that sounds awful op x

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 14/02/2024 10:10

Most people haven't seen ONE person murdered let alone two so that's pretty messed up as it is and might explain it

But I would expect you to shown concern and care for your husband when he's injured himself fairly badly

Picklestop · 14/02/2024 10:13

Yes you seem very desensitised and your comments on the murders are quite disturbing. It sounds like your husband had a very nasty cut, I would not have let my husband drive with such an injury, did it not even occur to you that him driving could be dangerous?

ScottyDoesntKnow · 14/02/2024 10:13

I imagine if you’ve seen murders take place it might dull your sensitivity and put your thresholds out of whack. Showing concern for an injured person isn’t a choice most people make. It’s just instinctive. “someone’s hurt, maybe they need my help”

MonsteraMama · 14/02/2024 10:13

I get it in a sense. When you've seen a lot of injury, trauma and death (which you do seem to have, there is no normal amount of people to see murdered in front of you), you can become numb to it and desensitised.

Pal of mine is an A&E nurse in a big metropolitan area and she's seen some shit. She'd probably react to an adult flapping about a small cut in a similar way, just get a dressing on it and deal with the immediate problem rather than joining in the fussing.

Have you ever sought any counselling for past traumas? It sounds like you've seen and been through a lot, it may be having an effect on your empathy radar.

EstieGreenwood · 14/02/2024 10:13

I agree with others that the trauma witnessing the murders of two people might have made you a bit numb to the pain of adults. Maybe something to explore if you’re finding it’s impacting your empathy levels for your husband!

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 14/02/2024 10:17

Witnessing any form of violence is traumatic let alone A murder, the fact you've witnessed two would explain your lack of concern. I'm concerned if anyone gets injured regardless of age.

SunbathingDragon · 14/02/2024 10:17

If someone says they are hurt, then I look to see why and offer appropriate comments (and it’s always appropriate to be sympathetic if they are saying they are hurt).

I’ve lost count of the number of people I’ve seen with all ranges of injuries or how many people have died of their injuries with me, but I spent many years as a paramedic.

I also think rushing over to a child when they fall or bump into something can be a bit counterproductive because usually they will brush themselves off and carry on, but let you know if they are hurt. If you always rush over then they will expect attention even when they aren’t injured. Perhaps a bit like you feel your husband is acting?

CaineRaine · 14/02/2024 10:18

EstieGreenwood · 14/02/2024 10:13

I agree with others that the trauma witnessing the murders of two people might have made you a bit numb to the pain of adults. Maybe something to explore if you’re finding it’s impacting your empathy levels for your husband!

I agree with this. Taken in isolation it sounds like you were pretty cold to your partner who sounds like needed a bit more help and empathy than you gave him. In the context of your past, I can see why it seems more inconsequential to you.

Kalevala · 14/02/2024 10:19

I would have put the baby or toddler in a playpen or cot and helped stop the bleeding. I know you said you did help him, but I would have contained the baby or toddler first. I'd show calm practical concern such as ask if he is okay to drive, he may have felt lightheaded.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/02/2024 10:21

I am sort of with you, even though I think you’re traumatic experience must have influenced your thinking.

I don’t think there’s much sense in rushing about and flapping. Sounds like you did what was needed, and your husband got the care he required in hospital .

cerisepanther73 · 14/02/2024 10:22

@SilentSteps12

I am concerned 😟 about that you have experienced two people being murdered in front of yourself,

Have you everc had good effective therapies support and help out there at all?

I hope so

Of course you sound like a caring person no doubt about that,

You don't need to ask randoms on here for validation either..

Octavia64 · 14/02/2024 10:24

It is very unusual not to express concern when adults are hurt.

Many people will stop and help even strangers - I'm disabled and have fallen over a lot and usually at least one person offers to help/expresses concern. Most adults will walk past strangers if it is clear someone else is helping.

However if it is someone you know then absolute minimum socially acceptable behaviour is to express concern verbally and most people will then ask if they can help.

Some people are much kinder (and are more like the Good Samaritan) and will help much more.

I suspect you have seen a lot of violence and this has desensitised you.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 14/02/2024 10:26

Can't see how getting all aeriated over somebody who is already running around like a chicken with its head chopped off would help in the slightest. It doesn't help anybody with a cut on their hand and certainly wouldn't help anybody with a more serious injury, either.

I'd probably have handed him a teatowel and told him to sit down with it, and probably got the child to learn a bit about first aid from helping/watching, thus teaching them that staying calm is the most important thing. Then added proper gardening/protective gloves onto the Amazon order whilst he was getting it checked out.

EMUKE · 14/02/2024 10:28

Men used to fight for our country. He will be fine. If this was my husband I’d be the same. Kids are our priority and we bleed every months a chunk out of a finger is nothing. We birth children…

Sobbingteen · 14/02/2024 10:29

You've 'only' seen 2 people murdered in front of you? How many people do you think others have seen getting murdered?!

I agree with others, you've clearly seen and been through some deeply traumatic stuff. I can see why you wouldn't bat an eyelid at a cut hand.

I think generally people would feel concern for their partner if they cut themselves like that but I can see why your reactions are different.

TemplesofDelight · 14/02/2024 10:31

Hang on, you're wondering about whether you under-responded to your husband cutting a finger on some glass, and you just thrown in having witnessed two murders as an afterthought?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 14/02/2024 10:31

As an aside, this sort of thing is why you're supposed to wrap broken glass securely in multiple layers of paper for disposal.

MagpiePi · 14/02/2024 10:32

I think your DH was over reacting a bit, and expecting you to panic as much as he was, but some people freak out when they see blood, and your hands can bleed quite a lot for a small cut.
If you helped him stop the bleeding then what else could you do?
I once had a metal bunk bed collapse on my head while dismantling it and had to get myself and two toddlers to A&E and ended up with stitches. Panicking would just have upset them and wouldn’t have changed anything.

anotheropinion · 14/02/2024 10:38

I was partly with you until this bit:

I don’t express concern when adults get hurt. I ask them if they’re okay and help them but that’s as far as I go. Babies, toddlers and children on the other hand I immediately run over to them and check their well being and ensuring that they are well in themselves.

Definitely disagree with this split.

Kids need you to calmly assist as necessary, then move on; definitely not make a big deal of things.

Most adults would like at least a bit of empathy and checking if they need any help too.

Absolutely no need to make this a harsh division where you over-coddle the kids but ignore the adult who gets hurt.