No concern over adults getting hurt?

[SilentSteps12]

hi everyone.
so today, my husband accidentally cut himself while trying to clear recycling and there was a bag of broken glass that he grabbed without knowing it was there. Took out a 5p size chunk off his skin and he bled quite a lot. He was panicking and shouting for me to get plaster or just do anything. I was keeping DS occupied when this happened so I was keeping an eye out for DS and trying to help my husband stop the bleeding. Once we got it covered with a plaster, he said that he might need stitches and he continued on and on and I was just looking at him thinking “what’s wrong with him?” Anyway, after calling to check with the clinic as to what to do, he drove himself to the urgent care at the hospital while I stayed at home and he was quite upset that I didn’t show a lot of concern for his injury.

Am I being unreasonable here? I don’t express concern when adults get hurt. I ask them if they’re okay and help them but that’s as far as I go. Babies, toddlers and children on the other hand I immediately run over to them and check their well being and ensuring that they are well in themselves. Like any mum would but I’m just not like that with the adults. I spent over 20 years helping to care for my dad who was constantly falling and getting ill before he died of cancer. I’ve seen many adults getting hurt on a regular basis and I’ve seen them die of natural causes. I’ve only ever seen two people get murdered in front of me and I don’t ever want to experience that again. But seriously, is there something wrong with me?

I’m known in my family for being the least compassionate person ever. I’m just not very sympathetic or empathetic.

However, if DH cried out hurt I would go to him and see if he was okay / needed help. I would fetch him a plaster or whatever medical aid he needed and help apply as necessary. I’d probably tell him to sit down and make him a brew while the pain subsided if he thought that would help. If he needed hospital treatment I’d facilitate this (probably driving him there but maybe not waiting in the waiting room with the kids). I might check in later to see how his injury is getting on if I remember.

I don't think I’d stare at him wondering what was wrong when it is obvious, and this seems like a weird response.

Have you had any trauma counselling for seeing TWO (!) people murdered? It’s even more peculiar you wouldn’t be more concerned after seeing your elderly father fall - surely you expressed concern then?!

I find it odd you say you've "only" seen 2 people murdered. Where do you live??
I think there's a difference between making sure someone's ok, and being as hysterical as them

Sounds like you might have some kind of personality disorder tbh. Definitely not normal. Do you have other problems in your relationships?

Can't see anything in the Parable of the Good Samaritan about him making a huge fuss over a bloke with a cut on his hand from picking up some poorly wrapped recycling - he dealt with the injuries of somebody half dead, then hefted him onto the donkey, dropped him off at the nearest pub with a couple of denarii to look after him until he got better.

Not a lot different to a standard first aid event, really - bet he checked if it was safe for him to approach, approached, spoke to the victim, checked he was breathing, assessed injuries, applied appropriate first aid (wine as alcohol/reducing infection), covered open wounds and applied pressure to cuts, then in the absence of an ambulance service, dropped him off at the nearest thing they would have to urgent care.

If you witnessed a lot of trauma then I guess your brain kind of minimises more minor injuries. Do you work in a medical setting? Witnessing 2 murders is terrible. A lot of people would have PTSD from that. I witnessed a suicide when I was 5 and it affected me for the rest of my life.
Your husband's injury was clearly not life threatening. Don't feel guilty about your feelings. Have you ever sought counselling as it sounds like you have been through a lot?

I treat adults and children the same too, except I would ask a child if they wanted a hug afterwards. Otherwise, I'm the type to show practical concern. My nephew doesn't carry on half as much for me as he does for his mother (who makes more of a fuss) if he trips over or similar, tears but not prolonged loud crying.

Agree. You tried to help him and didn’t just leave him to it.

I would have probably acted similar to OP and I’ve not seen near the trauma they have whatsoever. A cut, bleeding hand would have me in problem-solving mode. In such instances, someone needs to be calm anyway and it wouldn’t have helped if both were panicking.

Tbh, DH would have cursed a bit and just called for help if he couldn’t take care of it himself as I would. Neither one of us are the type to panic though.

I think you sound quite normal (apart from 2 murders. I have so many questions) I mean, he's an adult with a cut finger. He sounds quite dramatic about it. Me and my best friend are both nurses. She is in charge of a big a&e. Our kids say our catchphrase is "but did you die?" Basically seen too many actually dramatic things to waste drama on a cut finger.

And you say you don't show concern when an adult gets hurt, but then go on to say you ask them if they are OK and provide any help they need. That in itself is showing concern!

I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all. I’m guessing you’re also stoic about your own injuries?

My older brother sounds like your husband, flapping around making a big deal over cuts and such. Used to annoy me to no end. I’ve also seen someone killed rather gruesomely (dismembered by a vehicle) but I think my cool-headedness comes more from my father. He used to say things like “a little blood never hurt anyone” as he carried on with whatever he was doing before tending to his injury. I’ve ended up with the same mindset when injured, whereas my brother was fussed over by our mother and I think that influenced how he reacts.

If your husband gets upset I’d just tell him that you could see that he was okay and you were trying to help him calm down by not making a fuss. After all it would have been worse if all three of you were flapping around in a panic instead of just him!

It can be hard to staunch the bleeding of even a minor cut to the hand - a bit of empathy and help wouldn't go amiss. When my dd cut the top of her finger I simply couldn't stop it long enough to fix a dressing on it. We went to the walk in clinic and a nurse, with the right equipment, did it easily.

You've seen two murders? I haven't even actually seen anyone die at all. That's a big deal and you mention it as if 'only two' shouldn't be an issue. It sounds like you could be traumatised.

If blood was involved I'd be no help cause I'd be on the floor myself from the sight of blood.
Dh has to deal with any cuts in here I'm useless.

Sounds like you might have some kind of personality disorder tbh

Please don't do this. It's not helpful.

OP, even a qualified Psychiatrist would not be able to diagnose a Personality Disorder based on the extremely limited information in your post so don't take this kind of speculation to heart.

I show compassion for anyone regardless of age. What an odd way to behave.

There's flapping and there is just staring at someone asking for medical aid. Help your beloved when they are asking for help, that seems pretty basic relationship advice. It sounds as though you have shut off all empathy to adult suffering (a protective thing relating to past trauma?) But you probably want to look into that since you're in a partnership.

You've 'only' seen 2 people get murdered in front of you? That would be incredibly traumatic to go though. The brain can do things to protect you. No wonder you didnt fuss over a cut if you've been desensitised.

The question is, does it bother you? It could be buried trauma. You don't have to dig it up if you don't want to.

I don't think people are less worthy of concern when they are hurt / ill once they are over the age of 18. I would absolutely be concerned if my DH, sister, friend etc etc was hurt, regardless of their age.

Yes, it was 'just' a cut finger but that can be very painful and he did need to get it seen to so yes, absolutely, I would have shown concern for my DH and would expect him to show similar concern for me.

I hardly know what to say about you "only" having seen 2 people murdered in front of you. This is highly unusual and I cannot imagine the trauma this has caused you.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. An adult is capable of dealing with a cut finger/hand. Yes I would help if I could and give sympathy but I don't know what else they would expect. They're an adult.

However, seeing a lot of people hurt, dying and two people murdered I think has probably desensitised you a bit more. Was this in the line of work that you do/have done? Either way, it might be helpful to get some therapy for that if you haven't already.

Dr Serencwtch diagnosing people on the internet since 2024... Please form an orderly queue.

What am I doc, am I a psychopath? A sociopath? Or just a cheeky cow on Mumsnet 🤣

But seriously, it's not helpful to comment on what the OP might have or be. Maybe leave that to the experts 😊

You've only ever soon two people murdered in front of you????

And you're saying that like it's a low number. Do you realize that most of us have never witnessed a single murder, and if we had we certainly wouldn't minimize it!

If my husband hurt himself badly enough that he felt like he needed to go to urgent care (even if I suspected it wasn't as bad as he thought it might be), I would certainly express concern and help him in whatever way I could.

I have concern over adults getting hurt. But your DH's injury sounds really, really minor, the kind of thing that happens all the time and probably needs nothing more than a wash and a plaster.

So no, once I'd helped him clean it up and so on, I wouldn't be 'concerned' and I wouldn't feel the need to accompany him, a grown man with a small cut on his hand, to hospital/urgent care/wherever.

Before anyone accuses me of having a personality disorder as they seem to have done with the OP, I do not, and I am kind and sympathetic to anyone who is physically injured, but in proportion to the actual injury. My mum, who is in her 70s, had an accident recently and broke her arm very badly, and I looked after her for a week and and generally fussed over her and cared for her the entire time and was certainly concerned about her. I would not, however, have dished out the same level of care for a cut the size of a 5p piece.

@Serencwtch

How 🤔 can you diagnosis @SilentSteps12 as having a potential personality disorder just by her post 📫 then?

Are you medically minded proffession in anyway then?

It's more like @SilentSteps12 has undiagnosed PSTD trauma from witnessing something as nasty as murders,

The mind protects itself by numbing feelings and dissociation type of behaviours ect,

I am the same way if its an injury where I know they'll be okay. I see to the practicalities like helping to bandage etc but I don't make comments beyond that.
For context though I am autistic and I do have trauma (beaten & neglected by a parent growing up) so I guess that might feed into that cut off of feelings and the practical response.

I'd have a hard time understanding fuss over a cut hand unless like a finger came off or something...

From your comments about deaths you've witnessed, I would expect they have all had profound effects upon you. It could be part of it I guess but I think this is a separate issue.

Absolutely agree with this. If it can be sorted with a plaster then it’s not even remotely serious and doesn’t require any assistance or empathy. If a plaster stemmed the bleeding, it wasn’t bleeding very much at all and likely didn’t need stitches. I’d be rolling my eyes at my partner if he was behaving like this.
OP how would you react if an adult was seriously ill? Injured? An animal was hurt? You show concern and empathy for children so clearly you’re capable of it. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through, it must have been traumatic. If you’ve never had counselling then I would consider it, as it’s making you second guess yourself.