AIBU to not disclose mental health issue?

[Mustardforest]

First time posting.

I've had five wildly successful dates with someone, and a sixth this Friday. Am smitten as anything and feel really excited by this new spark. We've kissed every date and they've been out in public.

The chap has been very open about struggling with depression being on anti-depressants until recently, and other elements of family trauma. It all came out naturally in conversation, nothing forced, and didn't feel like any element of trauma dumping etc. He joked after the couple times it happened that our dates were accidentally featuring speedy therapy from his side and it became a bit of a joke.

Thing is - I particularly haven't reciprocated this openness.

I have anorexia and psychosis - with meds for the latter and am under ED services for the former after I was sectioned last year. I'm classed as a 'SEED' case - severe, enduring eating disorder due to the fact it started at 18.

All of my relationships have crumbled because of this disorder. Every single one. I'm in my early thirties, I'm tired, and desperate to not go through another ending of a relationship because of this. So I feel I should be open sooner rather than later so the gentleman can make a fair decision of whether he'd like to continue or not.

But I'm scared of the outcome, if history is anything to go by, or scaring him off too early.

AIBU to keep hiding the extent of my mental health issues, especially as he has been so open?

I feel it would be unreasonable of you not to tell him, but I also understand why you wouldn't want to.

I am all for having boundaries and not telling people anything you don’t want to. However, I think it is probably best to tell him sooner otherwise it could just end up niggling at you for a long time.

You could just say that you have struggled with mental health in the past and do still struggle, that you aren’t ready to talk about it now but will do when you are ready.

If telling him scares him off then he's likely not someone you'd want a long term relationship with, and I'm sure you know that but don't want to risk what you currently have.

It must be really hard to open up though, especially if you have had bad experiences following opening up before.

I wonder if the next time he opens up you could say you've had your own struggles - not disclosing the full extent until you feel more comfortable?

Hasn't be noticed though?
Or haven't you been out for dinner?

I think you have to tell him soonish. If it scares him off, better to know now.

No, the only food there's been was when I surprised him with popcorn at the cinema and didn't have any. We generally meet 6-10/11 and he has been eating before meeting.

Appreciate the responses :)

Oh love, what a beautiful situation you find yourself in with this person. I also agree about the need for boundaries with what you share, however he has opened the door for a discussion on mental health. In this situation I think you should have some sort of communication with him about your own experiences because if he is judgemental or backs off, would you not prefer to know now, before you are head over heels in love, with a bigger potential for heartbreak.

Could you just move a step towards openness, rather than feeling that you have to open up completely? I mean, when he is talking about his mental health problems, you could say something like "I have some difficulties, too. We have that in common. I don't really feel like talking about them right now ..."
If you don't say something of that sort it could seem unintentionally dishonest, when the conversation is centring on mental health.

You can't form a relationship based on a lie about who you are. As tough as it is you need to tell him, he's been open and honest with you and let you decide whether you accept his flaws, time to reciprocate that level of trust.

If you are struggling with your eating disorder now OP it's still an issue isn't it OP? Are you underweight now?

I'll be honest I'm on a dating site and if someone didn't declare phyohyscosis that would be the end for me. Its cruel to let someone get involved and deliberately mislead that person.

DO NOT tell him about any mental health issues. It would alter all perspectives of your relationship and certainly not for the better.
It happened to me. I wish I could have taken my words back.

I’d be careful telling him just now, but I’d guess you’d be better telling him
on the next few days/ weeks if you think the relationship is a go-er.

It works both ways women are told not to trust men who are not totally honest with them so I would be honest

I would find it controlling not to be open

Why? Both her conditions are exceptionally serious and if she becomes unwell/goes into crisis again he needs to be able to recognise this and take appropriate steps to support her care before she becomes dangerously ill

Seriously? When he disclosed to op?

I fucking hate the stigma attached to MH. And yes I have MH too- severe , so fully understand this thread .

Of course op should tell. Absolutely.

I think you should only share what you are comfortable sharing, I’ve been married for nearly twenty years and my husband doesn’t know every nuance of my mental health, no one has the right to know, it’s your business and your right to share or not

You have to tell him. If he doesnt hang around he's not the one.

These responses are really helpful and I value each person taking the time to input!

Yes I am notably underweight, I am told this by BMI but say it through gritted teeth. I work in a pub and have had customers ask if I have AN. Even my mum said he may already have picked up on it.

That might be why your conversation veered into discussing mental health.

Tell him

One thing I will say is that people who have struggled with mental health themselves are usually much more open minded. I do think you have to tell him soon.

Tell him, he deserves to know so he can make the choice if he wants to stay or not. I wouldn't trust someone I dated if they didn't disclose something like that to begin with.

I mean this kindly, OP. Do you think you are able to have a relationship beyond your illness? Would you say that, as regards the ED, you are in recovery? My experience is similar to yours: eating disorders are not compatible with relationships with other people. So whether you tell this one or not, how do you want to move forward: in health or in illness?

I agree with pp that he will probably have noticed that you're underweight and have avoided eating etc so I dont think you need to feel nervous about dropping a big bombshell. I like the suggestion a pp made ie think of it as moving towards greater openness, ie revealing a bit more on each date. You can start by just saying something a bit vague eg that you have issues with food that you struggle with on an ongoing basis.
Good luck OP, it sounds like you've suffered a lot, you deserve a lovely relationship and I hope he is the one for you.

I would tell him something especially as he has been open with you but it's up to you and how you feel whether you do it slowly or as a brain dump

The eating disorder is more likely to come up as at some point he might want to see you at a meal time but if you wanted you wouldn't have to give the details about being severe and ensuring. I would wait to see how he responds to that before mentioning the psychosis.

I have bipolar but usually tell people about the depression side of it first to guage how they respond to that before bringing up mania/psychosis as the depression is something people can relate to more and it's an easier conversation to start compared to things that fewer people have direct experience of.