MIL wants to come visit on my last weekend of Mat leave

[Crazyymama]

Ok so I know I’m the kind of person who has ideals in my head which then sound crazy to others…so looking for some unbiased opinions here! I may be overreacting…

My Husband has parents who live in London and we’re in Scotland. We had a baby last year so they want to come more often. However, I feel they tend to choose what I would call inconvenient dates to come and visit us and we end up shifting our plans to accommodate - ie. Day of my 30th (we travelled home from a holiday and I didn’t even see my own parents) & came for 2 weeks over Christmas and NY (we hosted and I only saw my parents once).

The latest is that my MIL wants to come and visit for a long weekend Fri- Mon. She works for the NHS so it’s shift dependent. Initially she wanted to come over Mother’s Day weekend which, although a bit miffed, I thought that might be nice. I could invite my mum too and do something together. Now she’s switched to my last weekend of Mat Leave AND the Monday which is my first day back and my LOs first day at nursery. I feel a bit daunted by that but my husband and I can’t see eye to eye and says I’m always inflexible to when his parents want to visit us.

Thoughts please?

That would be a hard no. And you've got a DH problem.

Of course she shouldn't be coming on your last day of maternity leave / first day back at work! You have a DH problem. Say no.

Just say no. But offer up an alternative

I’m struggling to see why that is a problem?

Remind dh kindly who he made vows to.

It depends if she is actually useless or useful when she's there. My dm makes our life so much easier when she's around and it would ease the first day back at work and nursery with support from her. If your mil expects to be waited on and won't lift a finger with anything or dc then it's a hard NO.

Sounds helpful to me.

Sounds inconvenient to me! You don't need to fit in with her shifts, if it doesn't work it doesn't work. Just re arrange!

It's too disruptive for the baby. You'll want to stick to the routine as much as possible to ease the transition.

Transitions are HARD for small kids

Can you ask her to leave on Sunday as a compromise? YANBU at all to not want her there on the Monday morning.

You say they live in London and you in Scotland which means it’s difficult for them to pop in. However it would appear your parents are nearby, soon reality they see the grandchild far more

i would be accommodating to what they can do, particularly if shifts are involved, as it’s not often they can visit

However it’s obvious from your post you don’t actually want to see them at all, which is rude

Your problem here is starting LO at nursery on first day back at work - I would recommend quite strongly starting baby a week or so before so you can separate the challenge of settling from the challenge of going back to work.

Worst case scenario (but fairly likely) you come into work a big weepy mess because you had to leave baby crying, or you have to leave after an hour or so as baby won't settle.

Don't mean to stress you out! I learned the hard way...

MIL should propose visits a month or so ahead then agree with you. I think it's nice she wants to visit, dh should be primary one responsible for arrangements. Do not become the one who does everything in terms of hospitality.

Ps you really need to start LO at nursery at least a week before you return to work, if you can possibly afford it. You're dicing with disaster to have her first day when you're at work... sorry to be a doom monger but you really must bring her nursery start date forward

Me too.

Cross posted with the pp above me!

I would be more 0roactive in offering dates.

In this instance i wpuld speak directly say youd love to see them, you made some great mothers day plans for everyone and can that work at all.
You are a bit stressed about return to work and first day at nursery do youd prefer it was business as usual on those days.
Are there any other dates she can do?

I don't really get what is the issue about it being your last weekend of mat leave? Unless you work on weekends? Are you expected to properly host and if so can you make sure DH does most of the catering etc.

Unless she is actually really annoying and won't be helpful and stress you out for the return to work? If not I think you a being a tad precious but hard to know without more context!

First post nails it

Hi MIL, oh that’s a shame you can’t do the Mother’s Day weekend. I can’t do the one you suggested. Any dates in April you can do?

This x100
Misses point of the thread.

Agree with a pp - if MIL has vetoed one date, absolutely fine for you to veto one and suggest another

But for the love of everything in this world - do not make first day at nursery and first day back to work the same day!

You need at least 2 sessions before then

I wouldn’t want to spend my last few days of maternity leave hosting guests either.

I should add - the previous week my LO has 2 settling in days! And I’m going back part time! ☺️

For people who don't get the problem, I'm just imagining op being emotional on the Monday morning, going back to work and leaving baby for the first time. I'd want to get ready in peace, maybe have a little cry/moment to myself and not have to worry about entertaining in laws and giving them breakfast. So I think it's reasonable to say no to the Sunday night at least, so you can have Monday morning without guests.

The build up to the first day back at work and the day itself are going to be stressful enough without throwing house guests into the equation. You are trying get into a new routine and visitors will make that more difficult no matter how helpful they are in household chores.