MIL wants to come visit on my last weekend of Mat leave

[Crazyymama]

Ok so I know I’m the kind of person who has ideals in my head which then sound crazy to others…so looking for some unbiased opinions here! I may be overreacting…

My Husband has parents who live in London and we’re in Scotland. We had a baby last year so they want to come more often. However, I feel they tend to choose what I would call inconvenient dates to come and visit us and we end up shifting our plans to accommodate - ie. Day of my 30th (we travelled home from a holiday and I didn’t even see my own parents) & came for 2 weeks over Christmas and NY (we hosted and I only saw my parents once).

The latest is that my MIL wants to come and visit for a long weekend Fri- Mon. She works for the NHS so it’s shift dependent. Initially she wanted to come over Mother’s Day weekend which, although a bit miffed, I thought that might be nice. I could invite my mum too and do something together. Now she’s switched to my last weekend of Mat Leave AND the Monday which is my first day back and my LOs first day at nursery. I feel a bit daunted by that but my husband and I can’t see eye to eye and says I’m always inflexible to when his parents want to visit us.

Thoughts please?

Hmm. Why on earth would you be entertaining anyone and making breakfast? Surely that’s not expected?

Good the wee one ( and you!!) are havibng a couple of practice days before you go back to work. Moving forward can you take control of visits by suggesting dates for visits, hiving options atound any shifts?

For those who can’t see the problem, I was a wibbly mess before going back to work after maternity leave. I didn’t want to leave DS at nursery, but had to go back to work. Could not have coped with additional people in the house, even close family. I needed to settle myself into the new routine, and more importantly settle DS into his new routine.

MIL also suggested staying with us the week I went back to work and I put my foot down. It was important that we got into a routine first (and I could settle my emotions)

Hard no. Just say that it is not convenient - you need the last weekend to get ready for a return to work. Also please put your little one in nursery a week or two before - you don’t want to spend your first morning back at work thinking about getting baby into nursery for the first time.

When I went back to work, DH took a day off on my first day, so he looked after DS at home, so I could just concentrate on me being at work, then we did the nursery run together the following day. Then a week later DS was ill and had to take time off to look after him, then we got ill, then DS got ill again!

If MIL is healthy might be useful to have them around a few weeks in so they can look after DC when they catch the inevitable bugs from nursery.

Why does your husband, and some posters on this thread, think you should host your in-laws any time they feel like it? Fucking hell, we are allowed to want certain times in our lives to be just for ourselves and our spouse and children.

As someone who's been married a long time, I would not be impressed at all at the way your husband is laying this all on your feet and chastising you for wanting certain boundaries. That needs nipping in the bud right now.

Agreed. I think the Monday should definitely be private time. I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else there on that first day back.

If that weekend doesn't work for you just say so and ask for alternative dates that fit with her shifts. I don't think you're being unreasonable and your DH is being unfair to criticise you when you've obviously made accommodations for them in the past!

Same

So what if she works shifts?
They can be swapped!

Because my husband has parents who are entitled to visit as much as my parents, I don't get to dictate what happens with his parents sure I don't have to be a slave to anyone but this 'I am woman what I says go' is getting old

So agree with this. I hate the mentality that the man's parents don't really matter and the woman is a gatekeeper to how much they get to visit/ be involved with grandkids.

Also on the other hand hate it when women are expected to organise everything with their inlaws and do all the emotional labour.

Not commenting on OPs particular situation here. Just think there is a double standard and it would be all LTB if a husband said his wife's parents couldn't visit.

DH and I always check with each other if it is convenient for people (including family) to stay. DH agreed with me that it wasn’t the right time for MIL to say with us the week I went back to work after maternity leave

I think that’s fair enough to say no, that will be tough enough without visitors. Hard though I guess if she’s got to consider shifts etc but I wouldn’t want them to come that weekend and I think your DH needs to consider how inconvenient that will be but also how emotional it is returning to work, you don’t need house guests and that would include my own family.

It’s a no from me. She’s being selfish and not thinking. I’m sure there were lots of other times over your maternity leave she could visit. It also sounds like you have a DH problem as well

I never said that what the op says goes, did I? Having guests stay at your home, even parents, needs to be a mutual agreement. Her husband's parents visit frequently, the op just doesn't want them staying that particular weekend. How is that so terrible?

With the distances involved you need to get into a routine of looking at dates together and agreeing what works for all rather than be dictated to. Also need to learn to say no if it’s inconvenient - dh should be stepping up here too.

i have older teens now but I still wouldn’t want mil here at such a time when you need to focus on you and family getting prepared for such a big change.

That would be a non-issue for me.

Actually I went to visit MIL for my last week of mat leave. It seemed practical to do it before I needed to use annual leave.

That would be a no from me. I've been back at work 4 months. The weekend before was incredibly stressful, as was the first morning. Some mums are totally fine about it all. I was not and couldn't have hosted anyone while trying to get organised and psyche myself up etc.

I would hate that.

You have a right to decide when it is not convenient. Sounds like it is always you juggling things. Put your foot down and tell your husband no. He should be backing you up.