Finding parenting 13 yr old DS is insanely hard work and full of conflict.

[Thebrutalstage]

Two DC, one is now 13.

He has always been wilful, smart, wilful, opinionated, lovely, wilful, demanding, empathetic, funny, wilful.

You get the giste. The issues:

1. He feels so fucking hard done by ALL THE TIME. Nothing is enough. Unless he's allowed to have as much screen and sugary crap as he wants, we are the world's worst parents.
2. He can't entertain himself unless he's on a device or playing his sport.
3. He wants to do less and less. He just wants to sit in his bedroom, blinds drawn and play games on computer.
4. Total pushback and arguing over everything unless things go completely his way
5. Just no space from him...unless he wants space... I've been trying to work today and he's just been relentless unless he's on a screen. He's had 3.5 hours games today, which I think is enough, asked him to do a few things e.g. hang up your towel! Have a shower, it's been a couple of days - and it's like he's been asked to donate a kidney. Everything he does 'for us', he does with resentment or else doesn't do.

All of this often ends in clashes. I am not proud of it but fuck, he pushes my buttons until I blow. And then inevitably, I hate myself and he feels rubbish. And then he starts telling us how we're always on at him, and it all becomes shit.

It is shit. I'm unhappy and feel such a failure. He feels put upon and Im sure he dislikes me a lot.

DH is brilliant, totally brilliant, and they generally have less room for conflict but even so, they've got into lots of similar scrapes recently.

I don't even know what I want from you all. NOT JUDGMENT. Some help. Some advice. I'm having a little cry as I write. i don't want him to hate me, but I hate myself so much over my parenting and short fuse, that I'm sure he does.

Really? No one and nothing? Is the post that boring?

Could have written this exactly, although mine is a bit older. You are not alone!

First, please don't hate yourself or feel like a failure. The teenage years can be so challenging, and if your child is wilful, it's even more of a challenge. Mine is the same in that he sees things as a battle of wills, so cooperating with me is seen as a defeat. Which of course is not the healthy way to look at it!

If you can ever get him talking, it helps to hear how he is interpreting things. Am looking into therapy, both for the sake of family life today, but also for the sake of his having a healthier mindset as an adult. Sorry I don't have more wisdom, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

That teenager boys for you

This too will pass - honestly!

A little suggestion - in the midst of this awful phase, make sure you tell him you love him at least once a day - he will shrug his shoulders at it, but it will sink in.

The important thing is not to be influenced by his judgement of you as the worst parents in the world - don't even begin to believe it!

Thinking of copying and pasting this to send to my 14 year old. Are you his secret mum? 😂

Remember Harry Enfield's
"Kevin the teenager"? Amusing because it's so well observed and true to life, sadly.
It's the way a teenage brain is wired 🫤

I'm giving you reasonable boundaries because I love you. And repeat.

And maybe ask him what he wants to do. A weekend away, just the two of you. Be honest with him that him comments have hurt you and you want to have a open engaged relationship with him and you're learning how to parent a teen too. And that it's something you are having to learn to navigate together.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/teenagers/4910229-just-a-friendly-hand-hold-for-any-other-mums-of-teens-part-2?page=21&reply=132991903

Come and join us op.

Talking in the car is often a good plan as you’re not having to look at each other. Explain that neither of you are happy and ask his opinion on what could make things better.

Agree on some simple ground rules, get him on board and don’t sweat the rest

So it could be something like shower every day and hang up your towel
All laundry to go in the laundry basket
Some sport / exercise every day
No screen time until homework is done.

We’ve agreed that if things like the above and music practice are done, we don’t worry too much about screen time, particularly during school holidays.

ours are a bit older now and it sorts itself out with going to the gym, more homework / revision, sports taking longer etc.

It will pass.. one of my Grandsons was the same.. but he's home educated.. he's now 15 and the most kindest caring helpful young lad.
Makes his Mum cups of tea.. helps clean up..they go out to museums/ cat cafe/ library/ swimming.. they are so close.. his screen time comes after he's done his home Ed.

These all sound like my DS. We can laugh about it now he’s older. All normal stuff!

I always told myself I don’t want him to have memories of me losing my shit over a dirty fork or trivial things like that. Make sure you pick your battles. This is my advice for everything but get yourself to a place where you’re rolling your eyes and laughing about “these awkward years” rather than thinking everything’s going wrong and getting upset. And when you do get upset have a cry in DP’s arms to let it out, remind yourselves this IS NORMAL AND WILL PASS, take a deep breath and go back to Mum mode.

This sounds like my son and he is 10 😩 it’s horrible upsetting and draining . Each day try and start a fresh but it goes rapidly down hill . Let’s hope it gets better

Sounds like my life op. But mine isn't even quite 13 yet. I'm at a loss!! I don't know what to do anymore either. I feel awful guilt for all the arguing when he's in bed or out but then face to face something will 'trigger another problem.

Hideous. Been there. Try:
Love bombing
Set tiny tasks like please buy milk/hoover stairs. Reward with gratitude. Make him feel useful
Decide what you won't sweat and ignore it. Focus on minimal number of issues eg basic respect.
Good luck!

Agree with lots of PP that you have to set a minimum standard and then let everything else wash over you. Pick your battles.

Teenagers are such a funny bunch. I’d not let a child/adult/vegetable or mineral talk to me like my teens do sometimes but they’re a big soup of hormones and frustration and pressure and it spills out onto the only person they can trust not to push them away.

Tell them you love them often even if they roll their eyes. Talking in the car or over a sneaky maccies is often helpful and they’re more likely to let their guard down. Try and praise any good behaviour (bit like the toddler phase). Sometimes I find texting them takes the emotion out of whatever needs saying too.

They come back in the end I promise.

Thanks all. I've teared up a bit.

We do tell each other we love each other all the time. But I worry he's going to feel awful as an adult, only have memories of us 'telling him what he's doing wrong.'

But if he's not doing ANYTHING he's meant to be doing, by the way of being a family member, or the boundaries we've set, then what route do we have?

Having the same with DS12 so you aren't alone! Mine currently has had online gaming privileges removed (still allowed single player games/TV/phone etc) and I've ruined his life apparently.
He sent me a tiktok of a "psychologist" explaining why children shouldn't have online/phones taken away. Nice try little man 😅

My son sent me the same Tik Tok pyschologist snippet...😂

You poor soul. Been there and got the t-shirt. What you need is the company of other mothers of the same aged boys. You'll then see you're not alone - completely par for the course.
I remember standing in a group of mums when my son was a similar age after dropping him at swimming practice. A couple of them commented that I was quiet and I confessed ruefully to a similar situation. They all confided similar blowups , so trivial sounding in retrospect but so grindingly depressing at the time and as they build up. Realised it wasn't me - I wasn't the worst mum in the world.
In hindsight, I'd agree with the comments above to choose your battles carefully. Decide on your lines but be flexible outside them. Try to find common ground. Use humour where at all possible. Otherwise they're like toddlers - distraction techniques patience and needing their sleep and regalar food jntake.

The approach I take with my 13 year old is he can have as much screen time as he likes once he has:
Done his homework
Music practice
Chores (we have quite high expectations on this eg washing up, hanging out laundry, hoovering)
Had a shower

So he has to manage it himself, up to him if he gets everything done in an hour and can game for 4 hours solid.
Or he can drag his feet and take ages and get less gaming time.

Buying crap from the shop with his pocket money is a battle we've chosen not to have though!

sounds like a 13yo boy to me

FWIW, don't limit his online time, it is his social life and if you do this you will keep getting push back until you inevitably have to give up

Hormones, hormones, hormones.
His mind is so jumbled. We’re all unique & deal with huge changes to mind & body in different ways.
Some people sail through the menopause, others struggle dreadfully, for example.
He will, definitely become a lovely DS again. Who knows when! You’re going to have to try & avoid conflict as much as possible. As another poster said, love bombing is good! Sport is a good way of getting rid of extra testosterone. It’s a bit like having a 13 yr old toddler. Good Luck!

Totally disagree with not limiting screen time. My boys are a bit older OP and I managed to limit screen time until COVID… oh hello no school work and a full time job..😫
I lost the control then and screens/ PlayStation/ Snapchat/ Insta just fucked my kids brains to a large extent. And caused endless moods, arguments and refusal to do ANYTHING. It’s been utterly draining and soul destroying living with it tbh.
Im focusing on positive reinforcement (Agee with try and make them feel useful and be genuinely appreciative) BUT my main advice now ( and to myself if I could start teen years again) would be this:
In my opinion there is an absolute crisis of indulgent parenting of teen boys which is not doing them, or society any favours. My kids say none of their friends are expected to lift a finger at home, and speaking to their friends I think that’s true.
Hardly any of them have part time jobs, most are ferried about and never expected to get in a bus etc. I live in a bog standard suburb so I don’t think it’s an unusual area.
Basically, yes, they need to know you love them, but they can probably figure that out based on the fact you are still feeding them and haven’t strangled them with their dirty socks yet.
What teen boys actually NEED is responsibility, tough natural consequences and shit loads of excercise. And to really really be made to understand that if they talk to their mother like she is shit on their trainers there will be no Nice Things for a very very long time.
I think it’s too late for me. Save yourself OP!

And don’t bloody blame hormones and let them off! Christ my hormones are all over the place and I manage to cook, clean and work! < peri rage face>