Finding parenting 13 yr old DS is insanely hard work and full of conflict.

[Thebrutalstage]

Two DC, one is now 13.

He has always been wilful, smart, wilful, opinionated, lovely, wilful, demanding, empathetic, funny, wilful.

You get the giste. The issues:

1. He feels so fucking hard done by ALL THE TIME. Nothing is enough. Unless he's allowed to have as much screen and sugary crap as he wants, we are the world's worst parents.
2. He can't entertain himself unless he's on a device or playing his sport.
3. He wants to do less and less. He just wants to sit in his bedroom, blinds drawn and play games on computer.
4. Total pushback and arguing over everything unless things go completely his way
5. Just no space from him...unless he wants space... I've been trying to work today and he's just been relentless unless he's on a screen. He's had 3.5 hours games today, which I think is enough, asked him to do a few things e.g. hang up your towel! Have a shower, it's been a couple of days - and it's like he's been asked to donate a kidney. Everything he does 'for us', he does with resentment or else doesn't do.

All of this often ends in clashes. I am not proud of it but fuck, he pushes my buttons until I blow. And then inevitably, I hate myself and he feels rubbish. And then he starts telling us how we're always on at him, and it all becomes shit.

It is shit. I'm unhappy and feel such a failure. He feels put upon and Im sure he dislikes me a lot.

DH is brilliant, totally brilliant, and they generally have less room for conflict but even so, they've got into lots of similar scrapes recently.

I don't even know what I want from you all. NOT JUDGMENT. Some help. Some advice. I'm having a little cry as I write. i don't want him to hate me, but I hate myself so much over my parenting and short fuse, that I'm sure he does.

Being an adult with disruptive hormones is entirely different to a being child with these issues.13 is just at the beginning of teenage life.
Why would anyone want to totally alienate their DC?
Patronisingly, I would say in our experience age 15 is far worse than 13.

The saying ‘Pick your Battles’ was not invented without experience.The extreme authoritarian approach with teenagers doesn’t work. They will only rebel as they get older & can become impossible when/if they leave home for Uni.
Sometimes you just have to allow some lea way.

Very similar to our son - I find humour works well to disarm him…

Make him laugh - tell him he will smile in 5 seconds and count down. It’s surprisingly hard not to and can definitely diffuse tension pretty quickly. Good luck!

I can’t imagine why anyone would want to totally alienate their DC Demelza ..
Luckily that’s not what I’m advocating. I’m just pointing out that sticking calmly to boundaries, and allowing natural consequences to unfold ( natural consequences are not authoritarian methods generally, it means not jumping in to save them every time when their actions lead to them not getting what they want).
And maybe a bit less angst over potentially screwing them up permanently by sometimes saying no.And I also agree that humour is key, even if just to stay sane.

This too shall pass. Friends 17/18 year old lads are all delightful - polite and talk to their mums friends 😀

Teens clash with parents as much as toddlers do.

And a bit like toddlers telling them they can't do stuff or must do stuff doesn't always get you very far.

Offering the blue or the red cup doesn't distract your teen like it distracted your toddler, but a lot of the same principles apply.

Pick your battles, ignore shouting and screaming, if you have decided on consequences stick to them.

They need to pull away from us I guess

Oh God, I'm feeling you. Teenage girls here.
Much, much empathy

Seriously? Don't limit screen time?

Please don't listen to this advise OP!

You can be authoritative without being authoritarian.

I make no apologies for having reasonable expectations of my teens.

I tell them that they need to contribute to the household (eg hang up some laundry, make a round of tea) and they need do something positive for themselves (sport, homework, art) every day - not just lie around whatsapping.

If they’re finding it hard to motivate I try to help with suggestions - shall we go for a swim, will you make a macaroni cheese for tea.

I grey rock the moaning and laziness and just be cheerful and positive. It’s really hard a lot of the time but I think an example of “just get on with it” is important to show them life requires you to get shit done. Teens will work the fun stuff out for themselves but that’s a lesson they need from us.

I could have written this myself. Some days I feel a complete failure and like you worry about how this will pan out when she’s an adult. My friend recently told me he’s glad his mum made him do things like eat properly and get an education, it sounds like your giving a balance of love and boundaries, also these rules things tell them they are loved.
your post has sure helped me to remember this is all normal too

This is lovely and as the mother of a just - turned - thirteen year old, it is hugely appreciated 💙

That teenager boys for you NATBALT

This is 100% my son! You're not alone.

Could have wrote this myself. I know the post is older but please tell me it gets better.... I am struggling with my soon to be 14 year old. This is hard!