Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m so angry! Dh grandparents

52 replies

Indoorvoicesbluey · 13/02/2024 10:52

dh grandparents have always favoured his sister. No idea why because she’s never worked, has done drugs etc where as my DH has worked his arse off, has a good job and has taken on my 2 dc like his own. We have one dc.

SIL moved back to our home town in December. Since then his grandparents have came down multiple times, but since weve been (8 years)here they came down 2ce to see us, we go upto there’s every 4-5 months. They live 4 hours away

anyway, we haven’t heard from SIL in months until this morning she rang my husband to tell him that they are 10 mins away from hers and they have arranged to come down to hers and take her shopping for house stuff and they are going back at 5pm and mentioned dh should pop in to see them.

they haven’t mentioned a thing to us. My guess is they didn’t want to see us.

we are the only ones who really bother with them, dh sent grandad a care package last eeek as he’s been unwell.

im actually so so so angry and upset that they couldn’t even take 30 mins out of their day to come and see at our youngest at least. She’s nearly 8 and loves them dearly but they don’t really know her.

I feel like I need to finally say something on the group chat because I am constantly biting my tongue.

my dh had abit of a mental health crisis 6 months ago and the last 6 months have been so difficult but none of them give a crap.

im so bloody angry.

OP posts:
KreedKafer · 13/02/2024 10:55

Have you invited them?

Original poster
Indoorvoicesbluey · 13/02/2024 10:55

Multiple times.

OP posts:
Original poster
Indoorvoicesbluey · 13/02/2024 10:56

Plus they are
constantly going on about how they are too old to do the drive now which is why we go up There!

OP posts:
EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 13/02/2024 10:58

I wouldn’t be having a go at anyone over WhatsApp or similar. These people are your husband’s family and it’s up to him to tell any home truths.

I imagine their daughter being a mess makes them feel needed, hence why they go to her. I also imagine they sense you do not like them and you gate-keep their son (possibly unwittingly- I don’t know). So what you do is nothing and let him say something if he wants to.

okaythenright · 13/02/2024 10:58

Is this your DH Parents or his Grand-Parents?

If his parents - I can see why affected by this

If his GP - meh, can't get so worked up, they must see she needs more support

Windydaysandwetnights · 13/02/2024 11:00

Well now you know the road does go both ways stop visiting them. They sound ungrateful. Even old people can be cunts.

HappiestSleeping · 13/02/2024 11:00

Quite frankly, I'd just say that it's too short notice and that you are already committed today. If pressed, you could add that if they were that interested in seeing you, they'd have given you more notice.

I used to get this from my mother. She'd arrange months in advance with my sister to go and see family members who live a few hours away, but I would get a phone call the night before asking if I was going too. Needless to say, I didn't. I made my own arrangements and saw said relatives at alternate times.

Original poster
Indoorvoicesbluey · 13/02/2024 11:00

omg, I love them to pieces which is why it’s upsetting! I do not gate keep my dh which is why we go up so much!!
if anything I push for their relationship!!

OP posts:
JMSA · 13/02/2024 11:00

Many families have a lame duck, who is favourited and generally cosseted by the older family members. I don't understand it personally, but there we are.
That said, the fact that she's unemployed and has taken drugs doesn't make her unloveable!
It's unjust but it's up to your husband to say something, if indeed he wants to.
What do his parents have to say about it? That's the more important relationship to your family, in my opinion.

Original poster
Indoorvoicesbluey · 13/02/2024 11:01

They are his grandparents. I don’t have parents or grandparents and he only has a dad.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 13/02/2024 11:05

Unfortunately, it’s often the way that the needier, more demanding sibling receives the support and praise when they manage to do something completely normal. Latter day version of the fatted calf.

You can’t change their behaviour, only how you deal with it and anger will eat you up. You really need to try to accept it is what it is. Guessing they’re pretty elderly? They won’t change now. Resentment will only harm you.

Original poster
Indoorvoicesbluey · 13/02/2024 11:09

It’s so just upsetting. It’s like when dd was a younger her children are a little older. They would send a package every 2 weeks of chocolate, books, clothes and fun craft stuff to her dc but dd has never received a thing. Then SIL would put it on the group chat saying how amazing it is. Literally only us, her, grandparents and FIL are on the group.

OP posts:
JMSA · 13/02/2024 11:18

Indoorvoicesbluey · 13/02/2024 11:09

It’s so just upsetting. It’s like when dd was a younger her children are a little older. They would send a package every 2 weeks of chocolate, books, clothes and fun craft stuff to her dc but dd has never received a thing. Then SIL would put it on the group chat saying how amazing it is. Literally only us, her, grandparents and FIL are on the group.

Is she a single mother?

Original poster
Indoorvoicesbluey · 13/02/2024 11:22

No. She’s married and her dh works.

OP posts:
Original poster
Indoorvoicesbluey · 13/02/2024 11:22

And when I say she does drugs, it’s via raving etc

OP posts:
HallieBam · 13/02/2024 11:23

But SIL has called to tell you, why did they need to? As long as you know. I think this is up to your DH, I definitely wouldn't be storming in to any what's app groups and kicking off.

chiwwy · 13/02/2024 11:24

I can see why you're upset. I think you need to love them less and take a massive step back from them.

No more pushing yourself and DH to visit twice a year. If DH wants to see them, he can go and see them and take dc.

For your own peace of mind, stop being the facilitator here.

chiwwy · 13/02/2024 11:25

Indoorvoicesbluey · 13/02/2024 11:09

It’s so just upsetting. It’s like when dd was a younger her children are a little older. They would send a package every 2 weeks of chocolate, books, clothes and fun craft stuff to her dc but dd has never received a thing. Then SIL would put it on the group chat saying how amazing it is. Literally only us, her, grandparents and FIL are on the group.

This is awful behaviour, they should treat all great-grand children the same.

How are they with your sole dc? Is it possible they don't want to treat your sole dc with gifts as they don't see them as great grandchildren?

chiwwy · 13/02/2024 11:26

MrsSkylerWhite · 13/02/2024 11:05

Unfortunately, it’s often the way that the needier, more demanding sibling receives the support and praise when they manage to do something completely normal. Latter day version of the fatted calf.

You can’t change their behaviour, only how you deal with it and anger will eat you up. You really need to try to accept it is what it is. Guessing they’re pretty elderly? They won’t change now. Resentment will only harm you.

But she can stop visiting them.

chiwwy · 13/02/2024 11:27

Indoorvoicesbluey · 13/02/2024 11:00

omg, I love them to pieces which is why it’s upsetting! I do not gate keep my dh which is why we go up so much!!
if anything I push for their relationship!!

What is there to love? They sound disengaged and practice favouritism.

Picklestop · 13/02/2024 11:29

I honestly cannot imagine being so worked up about my husband's grandparents taking more interest in a sibling than in him! Aside from the fact it seems that his sister could be in greater need for their care and support anyway.

EVHead · 13/02/2024 11:31

I think you need to manage your expectations.

They’re not going to change. But you can change your expectations of them and your reaction to them.

Leave the WhatsApp. It’s not doing you any good.

It sounds like they feel their granddaughter needs them in ways their grandson doesn’t. You can’t do anything about that.

Let your DH deal with them. It’s not your place to take all of that on.

Original poster
Indoorvoicesbluey · 13/02/2024 11:32

chiwwy · 13/02/2024 11:25

This is awful behaviour, they should treat all great-grand children the same.

How are they with your sole dc? Is it possible they don't want to treat your sole dc with gifts as they don't see them as great grandchildren?

Edited
Show quote history

They are fab with “my” dc when we are up there. Me and dh have been together 14 years so it’s not like dc haven’t been around a while.

OP posts:
TheSnowyOwl · 13/02/2024 11:33

I think you need to stay away from any group chat and follow your DH’s lead on how he sees things. If he is happy to see them today, then so be it.

I would also be very angry on his behalf but I wouldn’t let this show.

Original poster
Indoorvoicesbluey · 13/02/2024 11:34

Maybe i am just being mental then.

maybe its the fact that both my parents have died and i feel bad for my dc not having much family on my side and then his family don’t really bother.

OP posts: