Page 2 | I’m so angry! Dh grandparents

Indoorvoicesbluey · 2024-02-13T10:52:37+00:00

dh grandparents have always favoured his sister. No idea why because she’s never worked, has done drugs etc where as my DH has worked his arse off, has a good job and has taken on my 2 dc like his own. We have one dc. SIL moved back to our home town in December. Since then his grandparents have came down multiple times, but since weve been (8 years)here they came down 2ce to see us, we go upto there’s every 4-5 months. They live 4 hours away anyway, we haven’t heard from SIL in months until this morning she rang my husband to tell him that they are 10 mins away from hers and they have arranged to come down to hers and take her shopping for house stuff and they are going back at 5pm and mentioned dh should pop in to see them. they haven’t mentioned a thing to us. My guess is they didn’t want to see us. we are the only ones who really bother with them, dh sent grandad a care package last eeek as he’s been unwell. im actually so so so angry and upset that they couldn’t even take 30 mins out of their day to come and see at our youngest at least. She’s nearly 8 and loves them dearly but they don’t really know her. I feel like I need to finally say something on the group chat because I am constantly biting my tongue. my dh had abit of a mental health crisis 6 months ago and the last 6 months have been so difficult but none of them give a crap. im so bloody angry.

Xmastime2023 · 13/02/2024 11:34

Perhaps they feel closer so your SIL as she is female was FIL their only child?

Xmastime2023 · 13/02/2024 11:36

Or did their mother die young so they think she’s missing out on a mother?

Original poster

Indoorvoicesbluey · 13/02/2024 11:38

As I said my husband had a mental health crisis 6 months ago, he attempted suicide. so I’m pretty sure he could do with family support

OP posts:

Original poster

Indoorvoicesbluey · 13/02/2024 11:39

Xmastime2023 · 13/02/2024 11:36

Or did their mother die young so they think she’s missing out on a mother?

Their mother did a runner a few years ago but still has contact with SIL. She fell out with DH after calling her out on her awful narcissistic behaviour

OP posts:

Original poster

Indoorvoicesbluey · 13/02/2024 11:40

Xmastime2023 · 13/02/2024 11:34

Perhaps they feel closer so your SIL as she is female was FIL their only child?

No he’s not.

OP posts:

Tilleuil · 13/02/2024 11:44

From a different perspective my dm is like this. However the reason is that she knows she can count on us. She always had to buy her way in to see my db and his family.
A bit like single mums getting the brunt of a child’s bad behaviour and the dad getting to be the fun parent.

Your dh’s grandparents know that you won’t abandon them, they don’t need to curry favour by visiting or sending gifts.
It seems unfair I know but what it proves is that they are insecure with their relationship with dgd and feel they need to buy gifts as a bribe almost. Does your sil visit her dgp’s?

chiwwy · 13/02/2024 11:44

Indoorvoicesbluey · 13/02/2024 11:39

Their mother did a runner a few years ago but still has contact with SIL. She fell out with DH after calling her out on her awful narcissistic behaviour

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Your DH is on to these people it seems.

Take a step bacl and let him lead on how much contact he wants.

Mute the Whatsapp group if you don't want to leave it.

InterIgnis · 13/02/2024 12:06

You’ve invested in your idea as to what they should be, when it’s not what they are. You’re looking to them to meet those expectations, and they’re neither aware of them, nor trying to.

You’re hurting yourself.

MsSquiz · 13/02/2024 12:34

Learnt this a long time ago, you need to stop judging others behaviour by how you would behave yourself.

I get it to some degree, as not having parents or grandparents yourself, you will put a great emphasis on DH's grandparents playing a role in yours and your DC's lives.

Sometimes you just have to accept that the people you make a priority in your life, don't consider you a priority in theirs. Stop pushing the relationship and just get on with things

Namechangenamechange321 · 13/02/2024 12:46

OP I totally get how sad you are that your children’s extended family aren’t pre involved. I would give anything for an involved and local network of extended family. But the GPs clearly aren’t going to provide that. There’s some weird family dynamic gking on clearky, including the narcissistic mother, and you and your DH will never get what you are wanting from them. Best to back off and quietly mourn the loss of what you’d have wanted for your family

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 13/02/2024 13:00

Please don't post displeasure on Whats App. It won't get you anywhere. And will spark a lot of upset.

Think about the logistics of what you are expecting.
They are OLD. They've repeatedly said they find driving hard, but you are not listening. Believe me, I've seen this with DH's parents the amount they can do has done down hill rapidily compred to what they did a few years ago. But they always said they didn't like driving in the dark for too long as their night eyesight wasn't as good. Your DH GPs live a 4 hours drive away and they are then traipsing around furniture shops and then starting a 4 hour drive back back at 5.pm.

That is a heck of a lot to fit into one day for an older person, please consider that they really do get more tired, more easily. Its absolutely unrealistic to expect them to squeeze in another visit, 30 mins away on that timetable, especially at the last moment. Unless you offer for them to stay the night and they drive home the next day. Have you considered that they are probably not that thrilled about this trip but have for one reason or another decided to make it? Im betting they won't want to repeat such a tall order 8 hours of driving in one day - again in a hurry.

You seem very put out at the idea of favoritism. Is it really favouritism or are they just trying to do something nice for their other granddaughter? What should they do instead in your opinion?

Forget about their relationship with her and focus on their relationship with your and Dh's family. If it's a good one but you want them to see your DC more, then work on facilitating that. And yes. It may mean you, as the younger, more flexible people have to do more of the running, particularly as they get older.

Cool down the "anger", Talk to them nicely arrange something that is convenient to both of you. It doesn't have to be a comparison with your DC v the SIL.

Iwant2beJessicaFletcher · 13/02/2024 13:01

I understand why you are hurt and have a similar situation at home.

DH's sister is clearly the favourite, is propped up with money constantly, always asking and being given things, his parents drop everything to support her etc etc.

DH gets nothing - its got so bad that he stopped telling them anything good that he had worked for, as they then felt the need to 'make it up' to his sister so that they could be considered equal - despite her not working or trying to improve her lot in life and him working his arse off for his achievements.

It was as if they couldnt cope with DH having anything better than his sister, despite him working for it and her doing nothing but lurching from 1 crisis to another (she doesnt have children so it wasnt born from a concern about grandchildren).

He used to get so angry about it, but has learnt over the years to just disengage with it. He cant change who they are or what they do, he can only change his response to it.

Another poster got it right - DHs parents do more for his sister as she is the 'lame duck' so to speak so they need to prop her up all the time. DH doesnt need this and gets on with this life with little involvement from his parents. Its not nice, or fair, but nor is life and he has got used to it.

I think its much more common for parents to favour the 'failing' child, especially when their siblings are doing well for themselves as they want them all to have equal footing int he world so spend all their time (& money) trying to achieve this, regardless of how shit it makes their other children as they see if as they just dont care/love them enough as their sibling.

You need to learn to accept how they are as they arent going to change. If it was me, I would reduce my contact with them and stop expecting them to be anything other than what they are. At least you'd stop being so angry at them as you will learn to accept that DH is at the bottom of their pile however hurtful and unfair that is.

Jook · 13/02/2024 13:05

If they’ve asked just your DH to go … is it possible they’re not so keen on your good self OP (sorry)?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 13/02/2024 13:06

OP. I've read some of your updates and it sounds like its been a difficult time for you. I am thinking about the logistics because we are currently dealing with aging relatives and seeing a change in what they can accomplish and how they don't think as clearly about things/plans/travel as they used to.

There's still every chance that you can build on your relationship with them, particularly as your DD really likes them. Just forget about SIL and let her get on with whatever.

DisforDarkChocolate · 13/02/2024 13:10

Stop making the effort, it really doesn't sound like it worth it.

What does it say to your daughter that you make all this effort but you're just an afterthought? It's one of those things that chip at your self-esteem.

ButterCrackers · 13/02/2024 13:10

Keep the WhatsApp nice. Reply have a good time with sil. Safe drive back. Keep it going fine. Don’t run after them. Let your sil help them when they need helping.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 13/02/2024 13:21