To think present money should be returned if marriage lasts just a few weeks

[Friedchickenrocks]

Last June we were invited to a wedding... in India in August. Lad 3 doors down and we know family quite well. Declined the invitation but gave £50. Was looking forward to meeting the lass when she came. He got her visa and flight but since heard she's filing for divorce and doesn't want to come here as heard it gets cold in winter. She could have found that out easily online beforehand!! . So he's offered to live in India but no she wants a divorce. Lad, 25, is heartbroken. Arranged marriage.
Saw another neighbour who is closer than us to them and he says he gave £100 and thinks they should return all the money as they've made marriage like a joke.
What do you think? Hadn't thought of it until he said it.

Lad lives at home with his parents - doesn't he, and it was the family cat you were feeding.

Thanks! That makes more sense ... I just assumed the parents were in India arranging the marriage.

Huh? What does feeding the family cat have to do with insight into the mindset of the bride?

@4bangles well I would have wanted MY £500 back if they had split the next day. Bit weird splitting so soon. And quite honestly they should have OFFERED the money back. What did they do, just say 'let's split the multiple thousands of pounds we have been given 50-50 and go our separate ways?!'

Like, the NEXT DAY?!

So. Odd.

I’m not sure how long a marriage has to last before any gifts are non-refundable. A year, 2 years, 10? Do you get half back if it ends within 5 years and all back if it’s less than 3?
NO!!! It was given as a gift, not some kind of investment. Gifts don’t come with T&Cs. Poor guy is already completely down on his luck and been humiliated in front of everyone he’s ever met by the sounds of it. Neighbour who suggested it needs to have a good long look at themselves, and if he couldn’t afford the £100 he shouldn’t have given it in the first place. Honestly, some people!

He did offer, he called us all the next day. We said no. He kept what our side gifted to him. Yea it was pretty wild, people came to visit from abroad for it and they were fully split up before the guests returned home 😬 @EbonyRaven

I actually believe it could be possible. A friend had an arranged marriage, the wife lived quite rurally from a small village. After the marriage sorting visas she really didn’t want to leave India as she’d found out where he lived (not uk) got cold. She eventually moved but it was a year after originally agreed and she was sooo miserable for a long time. I met her a few times, even in summer she’d be wrapped up, eventually she started to enjoy herself. There was always a plan he’d move back to India but he wanted to make a success of himself first. This was about 15 years ago, and they are happily living in India with a young family now.

I’d want him to keep the £50 and do something nice for himself. He must be heartbroken and carry such a sense of rejection. No it would be pedantic and harsh to expect the cash back.

I suspect its not about the cold. It's an arranged marriage with a lad that lived in uk while she lived in India. Perhaps meeting him made her think twice but wasn't brave enough to say it while he was there. Or more likely something (possibly terrible) happened on wedding night that made her think this is not for her. She waited for him to return to uk (the visa process giving her the chance) then is filing for divorce. There are so many possibilities (if its a scam what does she gain. She's instigating divorce while in India so not a visa scam for sure). Or may be she fell madly in love with a guest or someone else after the wedding and realised an arranged marriage isn't for her.
It's often not easy for many women in India to instigate divorce (yes in some cases it can be) as it can be ostracised so something big caused her to do this.
Doesn't answer your question though

So on top of all the upset and unhappiness, you want your 50 quid back 🙄

A gift is supposed to be unconditional not based on the marriage lasting a certain amount of time.

He can keep it. Maybe use the collection of money to go on holiday or something to help him heal from the rejection. Poor bloke.

Well if it’s a matter of weeks then yes really they should return the money / gifts. I personally would. A friend of mine was married for 5wks, father of her 2 DC and went on a work trip and met someone. End of marriage. Other mutual friends kicked off a bit, spent money on a hotel, outfit and gift but I personally just supported her. No money was returned as it was all spent on a honeymoon that was happening in the next summer hols but the money was lost as the husband found out about the affair the night before due to go, so it was all lost to the holiday company. She’s actually married to the guy she left her husband for now, 12yrs or so on, two children with him.

No the marriage happened!!

A good friend called off her (small intimate, abroad, family only) wedding the week before it. I had sent out about 300 to her with her sister…..
It took months to get it back. It was eventually transferred electronically (she lives in Canada) and she made me take the hit on the cost of the transfer losing about 30 quid.

Sour taste.

I can see where your neighbour's coming from - morally they could think about returning money and gifts - but it's been given now, so needs to be written off, as with any gift given to a couple who later divorce.
I wouldn't ask for it back but you haven't said you're planning to - just posed the question to see what people think.

You're phrasing it almost as if the girl was being unreasonable to not want to stay married to a near stranger and move to a cold country where she knows no-one.
I would think if you do have sympathy for the lad then the last thing you should do is start hounding him for the return of your gift. Unless you literally think the whole thing was a ruse/scam to get loads of money off people?
I'd definitely not be asking for it back. I might not give a gift the 'next time' he has a wedding (Hopefully with someone who likes him this time?)

Nothing has changed. They got married and you gifted them. The fact that they are splitting is irrelevant

Good on the girl for realising it wasn't for her and being strong enough to put and end to her......that must take a lot of strength, she's done him a massive favour.

And no, I wouldn't be nagging him for the money back. That's weird.

No I wouldn’t. I’d say there is something behind it, everyone assumes people live in abject poverty in places like India and are desperate to come to England. More often than not these people’s standards of living are high and the thought of your education not being transferable, living in a smaller house with no house help, in a cold foreign country isn’t attractive.

Huh? You realise it was the OP who fed the cat, right? Not the girl the son was engaged to?

Gifts are gifts and should be no strings.. infortunately they are normally about the giver....not the reciever.

The ''form'' certainly used to be in these circumstances was that gifts were returned to sender - they were WEDDING gifts - so if marriage ended soon after - gifts were returned. This is known.

I'm surprised at the responses. I thought that the protocol was to return the gifts under such circumstances. Filing for divorce after a few weeks (if that is actually what happened - your information is second hand and the wedding was 6 months ago) is much the same as cancelling the wedding.

Arranged marriage doesn’t mean forced marriage.
We don’t know what happened but can’t assume it was like this.

How do I know. She's never been here before. Was in Qatar doing a degree than back to India to get married then apply for the visa. She'd only met him once before the wedding day as you must do to satisfy the rules. That's the excuse that his dad gave us but we know there has to be more to it.

YES. We have never met her. She was supposed to be here around Christmas and he said he'd bring her along to meet us.