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AIBU?

To report to social

40 replies

IcyPeachMaker · 12/02/2024 20:16

MIL was widowed five years ago and has not left the house since, she has given up on life. Many family member have tried countless times to get her out and seek help but she refuses. A year ago her physical health took a turn for the worse she's been diagnosed with a lung condition. She's been given medications to help which she refuses to take. Told to quit smoking and get excersise, she refuses. Her sons literally do everything for her which is now taking its toll on there health. I visited for the first time in years at xmas (she never allows visitors to the house) and I was shocked at what I saw. She can't make it upstairs to use toilet and shower. The house smelt and was a total mess, there was no warm running water (boiler broken) a ceiling that had fallen through because of a leak leaving exposed pipes and electric wires. I've tried telling her sons but they shut me down and say everythings fine 😳 aibu to try and report this to social, she clearly isn't capable of looking after herself and needs help or should I just turn a blind eye?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

135 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
7%
You are NOT being unreasonable
93%
TraumatisedatChristmas1986 · 12/02/2024 20:24

I think you need to do something, there is no way she should be living like that. I am glad she has you.

TheShellBeach · 12/02/2024 20:27

Where does she go to the toilet then?

Porageeater · 12/02/2024 20:27

I would be phoning social services if it was me because some of that sounds dangerous but you would need to be prepared for them knowing. It may also be difficult for anyone to do much about it if mil is not cognitively impaired and can make her own decisions. There is a lot of things they could do to make their lives easier though.

Ponoka7 · 12/02/2024 20:27

It does need a referral. They can get a free boiler, a bed set up and carers in etc. You need to make it clear that the house is dangerous. This is neglect on her son's part.

IcyPeachMaker · 12/02/2024 20:45

She has a chair toilet thing that was given to her after a hospital visit last year. She's recently been taken to hospital again and was taken by paramedics, was thinking if I could report anonymous and say it must of been paramedics that reported it. I'm not sure in the process though

OP posts:
ilovebreadsauce · 12/02/2024 20:52

Well if she won't accept help there is nothing anyone can do.she isn't a child!

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/02/2024 20:54

How heartbreaking. Report it then at least you’ll know you’ve done what you can.

PutMyFootIn · 12/02/2024 20:56

IcyPeachMaker · 12/02/2024 20:45

She has a chair toilet thing that was given to her after a hospital visit last year. She's recently been taken to hospital again and was taken by paramedics, was thinking if I could report anonymous and say it must of been paramedics that reported it. I'm not sure in the process though

How does she empty this though if she can't make it to the toilet upstairs.

But yes, report to adult social services.

Windydaysandwetnights · 12/02/2024 20:56

Her local council will have a vulnerable adults department.. Maybe ring them first.

Toddlerteaplease · 12/02/2024 20:57

You can't refer someone who has capacity, without their consent. I tried to do it with a friend of mine, whose house was similar.

IcyPeachMaker · 12/02/2024 21:10

PutMyFootIn · 12/02/2024 20:56

How does she empty this though if she can't make it to the toilet upstairs.

But yes, report to adult social services.

Her sons empty it twice a day

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 12/02/2024 21:41

IcyPeachMaker · 12/02/2024 21:10

Her sons empty it twice a day

Grim.

BobbyBiscuits · 13/02/2024 06:19

It sounds really bad. The sons should be paying for cleaners/ carers and she needs a boiler and other essential work done. Could you contact a couple of the age related charities? Age UK is one. Does she seem like she might be suffering dementia? The charity for her lung condition? They could give you advice about this and might point to some resources. If no good comes of that after you've spoken to the sons again with this info, then yes, call the social.
It could result in her being put in a care home, do you know what her financial situation is like?

ZekeZeke · 13/02/2024 06:39

You are married to one of her sons. What does he have to say about her living conditions?

IcyPeachMaker · 13/02/2024 07:32

BobbyBiscuits · 13/02/2024 06:19

It sounds really bad. The sons should be paying for cleaners/ carers and she needs a boiler and other essential work done. Could you contact a couple of the age related charities? Age UK is one. Does she seem like she might be suffering dementia? The charity for her lung condition? They could give you advice about this and might point to some resources. If no good comes of that after you've spoken to the sons again with this info, then yes, call the social.
It could result in her being put in a care home, do you know what her financial situation is like?

Unfortunately I think she is too young for age UK as she is 64, financial situation is terrible she relies solely on pip payments her sons are providing financially which is now causing a strain.

OP posts:
IcyPeachMaker · 13/02/2024 07:37

ZekeZeke · 13/02/2024 06:39

You are married to one of her sons. What does he have to say about her living conditions?

I think he's in total denial and seems to bury his head in the sand. We've had many arguments over the situation as I don't think the way she's living is safe. It's now got to the point where he doesn't want to discuss it with me and I'm told its his mother so he'll handle it his way 😬 other brother is exactly the same with his partner

OP posts:
dollymixedup · 13/02/2024 07:44

Age UK work with people over 60 (in my area) so definitely worth contacting them.

If she has been in hospital recently it's quite likely that her home situation has been flagged by ambulance staff. I work on a geriatric work and see lots of safeguarding cases opened by ambulance staff. Unfortunately if she has been deemed to have capacity then she can live how she chooses.

dollymixedup · 13/02/2024 07:48

I would be tempted to contact her GP, they can't discuss her with you, but you can tell them about your concerns. Be clear that you don't want them to tell you anything, just that you want to explain your concerns.

She may be eligible for a grant to get a new boiler.

ThePure · 13/02/2024 07:52

You can report it to social care as a safeguarding issue under the category of neglect as self neglect counts in extreme cases which this seems like. I would actually do that. Call the main switchboard and say you want to make a safeguarding referral of a vulnerable adult. In our area you can also report via an online form now including members of the public and professionals.

BigDogEnergy · 13/02/2024 07:54

You can report anonymously to your local safeguarding team. Just Google "your county/area" adult safeguarding.

You can say what you said here, you've been in the property and seen XYZ and are concerned for her mental and physical wellbeing, as well as her living situation.

jeaux90 · 13/02/2024 07:59

I think your DH and BIL are being utterly ridiculous.

A social worker can assess the situation, as she has very little money she will qualify for free care. My mum has carers in 3 times a day.

And the neglect in the property is also farcical. Your DH is being quite the arsehole about this isn't he!

ThePure · 13/02/2024 08:01

She does not have to lack capacity for you to make a report she only has to be 'vulnerable' and have care needs which clearly she does but if she has capacity and she declines any input you may not get much further in the end. I would still do it to be sure I had done all I can.

It's a crying shame as a lot could be done
She might well be entitled to additional benefits as well as PIP if she is too unwell to work
A grant for the boiler and proper adaptations
A means tested care package (although carers can refuse to work in really poor conditions)

I assume it's her own house?

BobbyBiscuits · 13/02/2024 08:31

@IcyPeachMaker as @dollymixedup says Age UK covers over 60s, so you can try them. Even if it's just general guidance about what you've seen on an anonymous basis.

BobbyBiscuits · 13/02/2024 08:36

@IcyPeachMaker You mentioned she was soley on PIP. I think she could get ESA as well, That stops at pension age so she can get that for a couple of years if she applies. You could help her do the forms, or ask one of the charities to do it? That would give her another hundred or 2 a week.
But your husband/ his siblings really needs to put his hand in their pocket, can you as a family afford to contribute to her care? Obviously if not then fair enough.

NewMumSendHelp · 13/02/2024 13:41

You can try to talk to adult social care for your area about her or you can also try to get one or both of the sons to register with whoever offers Carers support in your area. You say their health is being affected and your local authority will have a responsibility to provide support, this could be in the form of advice, helping with payments (if eligible) and other things that will really help everyone in this situation. I would advise looking for Carers support offered by your local authority, they will help put some kind of plan in place.

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