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AIBU?

Valentines and friends partner

42 replies

HiHiHey · 12/02/2024 19:54

Me and my lovely best friend have a weekly(ish) lunch date, and this week we thought it would be cute to do it on Wednesday as a sort of 'galentines' brunch just for fun.

For background, She's in a relationship of less than a year, but pretty serious, with a guy who I know (we all used to work together) who I don't particularly get on with and have clashed with slightly in the past, he's made it clear that he doesn't like me either, but we're civil for her sake and it doesn't affect my friendship. My friend and I are also pretty good at communicating with each other and boundaries etc, and I take care not to comment on their relationship (apart from a few times when she's asked me directly what I think about an argument they've had for example).

Today she calls me and says she's sorry but her boyfriend doesn't want her to meet me because it's valentines and it should only be about them and their relationship. Now, bare in mind he would be at work during this time, and their plans aren't until the evening because of this.

I want to clarify that I wasn't especially attached to doing the galentines day thing, and we will meet another day, and my upset (for lack of a better word) isn't about her cancelling, but I can't help but feel that this is quite weird and controlling on his part.
I didn't want to stress my friend or taint her experience of valentines day, nor do I want to make her feel like i'm fighting for her affection, so on the phone when she asked if that was okay, all I said was that I don't think he really has the grounds to dictate that but if it'll save you an argument sure, and then moved on to chit chat.

AIBU for thinking that he is being unreasonable, and WIBU to tactfully bring up my concern that this seems pretty controlling and I'm concerned that he's trying to isolate her?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

251 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
10%
You are NOT being unreasonable
90%
HelloMiss · 12/02/2024 19:55

Based on that? Controlling and isolating??

KateLizAn · 12/02/2024 19:56

That’s ridiculous.

I probably wouldn’t raise it in a serious way as that could give him ammunition to see you off but I would in a joke incredulous light hearted way to see if she acknowledges that’s it’s strange behaviour.

Countedtoten · 12/02/2024 19:57

Do you know he hasn't booked the day off and booked surprise plans?

TheSlantedOwl · 12/02/2024 19:59

Yeah that’s controlling of him. More fool her for obeying the twat.

ColdButSunny · 12/02/2024 20:01

I kind of see his point actually. If I was going out for a lovely dinner with DH (whether that was for Valentine's or birthday or whatever) I wouldn't be that keen on him making plans to go out for lunch on the same day. I just feel like it wouldn't seem as special if he'd already had one nice meal out earlier that same day!

MiltonNorthern · 12/02/2024 20:06

HelloMiss · 12/02/2024 19:55

Based on that? Controlling and isolating??

What else do you call dictating to your partner who they can and can't see for lunch while you're at work?

MiltonNorthern · 12/02/2024 20:06

ColdButSunny · 12/02/2024 20:01

I kind of see his point actually. If I was going out for a lovely dinner with DH (whether that was for Valentine's or birthday or whatever) I wouldn't be that keen on him making plans to go out for lunch on the same day. I just feel like it wouldn't seem as special if he'd already had one nice meal out earlier that same day!

That's ridiculous

HelloMiss · 12/02/2024 20:09

We only have a version of what he's actually SAID, third hand!

Easy to make him look like the bad guy and condemn him as controlling and isolating her!

ColdButSunny · 12/02/2024 20:10

You can think it's ridiculous if you like. But that's how I'd feel - and I'm definitely not trying to control or isolate my DH. He meets up with friends without me quite often.

businesshelp · 12/02/2024 20:13

He sounds insecure and pathetic. I wouldn't be impressed with her for going with it

HiHiHey · 12/02/2024 20:45

businesshelp · 12/02/2024 20:13

He sounds insecure and pathetic. I wouldn't be impressed with her for going with it

Maybe I should have included this in the first place, but I didn't want to sound like I'm hating on him or counting his sins.
his reactions when he's upset in the past have been quite intense, he can be mean, not talk to her in a sulk and will not listen to her POV until she concedes.
While in theory she could have challenged him on this, I don't especially blame her as I know that the fallout could be not nice for her.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 12/02/2024 20:48

You don't like him and he is male nothing he does or says will be right

Sure I don't get the valentines thing but I would presune a new couple would want to be together I would just do something another day

HiHiHey · 12/02/2024 20:50

HelloMiss · 12/02/2024 20:09

We only have a version of what he's actually SAID, third hand!

Easy to make him look like the bad guy and condemn him as controlling and isolating her!

I do know him quite well, so my conception of him and how he is as well as how he reacts to things isnt formed just of what she says about him

OP posts:
HiHiHey · 12/02/2024 20:51

Countedtoten · 12/02/2024 19:57

Do you know he hasn't booked the day off and booked surprise plans?

If that's the case fair does.

OP posts:
HiHiHey · 12/02/2024 20:54

WandaWonder · 12/02/2024 20:48

You don't like him and he is male nothing he does or says will be right

Sure I don't get the valentines thing but I would presune a new couple would want to be together I would just do something another day

This isn't about him being a man, I'd feel the same if it was one my lesbian friends.
Because I don't like him and he's a man, does that mean eveything he does is right?

OP posts:
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 12/02/2024 20:54

I wouldn't raise it to her. I don't think it's far enough to justify you saying that, you'll potentially cause conflict between the two of you, or she'll tell him and give him a more solid reason to dislike you and drive a wedge. Just keep an eye out for now.

CharmedCult · 12/02/2024 20:55

Countedtoten · 12/02/2024 19:57

Do you know he hasn't booked the day off and booked surprise plans?

If that was the case wouldn't he come up with something better than he doesn't want her to meet me because it's valentines and it should only be about them and their relationship.

chiwwy · 12/02/2024 21:18

ColdButSunny · 12/02/2024 20:01

I kind of see his point actually. If I was going out for a lovely dinner with DH (whether that was for Valentine's or birthday or whatever) I wouldn't be that keen on him making plans to go out for lunch on the same day. I just feel like it wouldn't seem as special if he'd already had one nice meal out earlier that same day!

You sound very enmeshed and insecure in your relationship.

chiwwy · 12/02/2024 21:18

WandaWonder · 12/02/2024 20:48

You don't like him and he is male nothing he does or says will be right

Sure I don't get the valentines thing but I would presune a new couple would want to be together I would just do something another day

They can’t have lunch together because he’s working! He’s a controlling twat.

laclochette · 12/02/2024 21:24

That's really not cool and very worrying. If it were the evening and clashed with plans he had already made that would be one thing, but it's very far from that.

It's so hard, because if you say something, she might feel she can't share similar incidents again if they come up, for fear of your disapproval - no matter how nicely you phrase it, you'll be telling her something she's emotionally invested in not wanting to hear or entertain.

I might say something like, "Valentine's can be a day to celebrate all kinds of love, it's up to you how you want to interpret and spend it..." and leave it there. Just a gentle reminder that how she spends her time and with whom is absolutely her decision, not his. And keep a close eye on things in future.

Itsacruelsummer · 12/02/2024 21:28

YANBU

This is bonkers. I would nicely call her out on it.

BobbyBiscuits · 13/02/2024 06:26

I guess she could have phrased it as "I'm so sorry, but I think he's made plans for the whole day the soppy git, lol. Lets do brunch tomorrow if that's OK?"

But she made it sound like he was pressuring her not to do it when in fact she really wanted to? I know it's a bit of a piss take to cancel things but I wouldn't let it cloud your judgement of her. It seems you don't really like him which is fair enough so I guess this just reinforces the fact he seems a bit of an arse. Just see her another day and she will probably tell you he's done something even worse in the meantime.

WhingeInTheWillows · 13/02/2024 06:35

That’s really childish and insecure. I might say to my husband ‘remember we’re eating together later so don’t have a massive lunch’ but no way would I stop him.

Happyinarcon · 13/02/2024 06:38

I think there’ll come a time where he won’t let her see you altogether. He won’t say she cant, but he’ll find something to pick a fight over whenever she wants to spend time with you and it will become too emotionally exhausting for her to argue about it.

TwylaSands · 13/02/2024 06:45

HiHiHey · 12/02/2024 20:45

Maybe I should have included this in the first place, but I didn't want to sound like I'm hating on him or counting his sins.
his reactions when he's upset in the past have been quite intense, he can be mean, not talk to her in a sulk and will not listen to her POV until she concedes.
While in theory she could have challenged him on this, I don't especially blame her as I know that the fallout could be not nice for her.

This should have been in your op. I read the op and thought this what abusers do, they isolate. But this would have made it absolutely clear for all those women on here who are obsessed that controlling men are the poor sweet misunderstood ones and anyone who disagrees is a ‘manhater’. There are so many of them recently.

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